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Inspired by a post from u/valoriane a month or so ago, about player ‘trademark goals’, it got me thinking about the other actions that players do on the pitch that makes them so unique, memorable and appealing to us as fans.
There are many facets to any players game, but there are things that have become synonymous with specific characters of the sport, where signature moves or a play-style that will live long in the memory.
On that note, I’ve compiled a list of players who have their own unique traits and what they’ve brought to the game that we love so much. They may have done it once, or in almost every game, but they are synonymous with it and for better or worse, they’ll be remembered for it.
As I was researching the list, it was amazing to see so many that I’ve never heard of and even surprised that many of these actually have their own names. So here’s hoping it’s an education for more than just me.
Also, some are here for comedy value, so don’t get offended if you can’t handle the magic of Phil Neville’s stepovers.
I’m sure there’s many, many others I’ve missed, so please feel free to add anything you feel worth sharing below. Also, apologies if some of the videos aren’t the best quality, they were the best I could find.
*Apologies for the repost - i had some issues with some of the links previously

Goalkeepers

René Higuita - There’s a lot about ol’ Rene that sticks in the mind, the hair, that facelift, but more famously the Scorpion Kick https://youtu.be/yCxe4r6SjH0 (Random fact; I was actually at that game and I swear to this day the whistle had already been blown and Redknapp just hoofed the ball towards goal)

Peter Schmeichel - The ‘Great Dane’ was one of the catalysts for the beginning of Utd’s dominance in the 90’s. Known for being commanding and also having a unique ‘star jump’ approach to attackers bearing down on his goal. Also nice to see Kasper using that for Leicester on the regular. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pplROgaUbEw

Rogério Ceni - With 191 goals, Ceni ended his career as the highest-scoring keeper in history, mostly through wonderous free-kicks https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsQdR0eQvH0

José Luis Chilavert - Also a free-kick specialist goalkeeper, Chilavert was a whisker away from being the first ever GK to score in the World Cup in 1998 and ended his career with more international goals that Emile Heskey https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FllNZKkMd4g

Jorge Campos - The diminutive keeper was known mostly for his outlandish jerseys probably more than his goalkeeping ability. Another goalscoring GK, he was often used as a striker in times of need throughout his career https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJSexf1lc_o

Hans-Jörg Butt - Highest scoring goalkeeper in European football history, but not without the odd mishap https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sAhzBAWCNE

Lev Yashin - ‘The Black Spider’ was known for his distinctive all-black outfit and is widely credited for being the father of ‘modern’ goalkeeping https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Crdat6VM2HA

Defenders

Phil Neville – Not only did the slightly less polarising of the Neville brothers have a very impressive career, he also had the stepovers in his locker to beat the best https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3JEwovvzzA

Sergio Ramos - When he’s not getting sent off or looking eerily like peak Joseph Stalin, Sergio loves nothing better than breaking hearts, scoring so many last-minute winners it has become almost inevitable https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGzFRJ_6d6w

Roberto Carlos - thighs of a Greek god, foot like a traction engine. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MOZ0sroz_E

Pepe) – Signature move is basically being known for being a nob of the highest order https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeKAtlJByAk

Ron ‘Chopper’ Harris) – Ex-Chelsea captain and crippler of many, if you’re known as ‘chopper’, you can get an idea what his signature move was. Also rumoured to put iodine on his studs before a game. Also see: Norman Hunter, Tommy Smith (According to Bill Shankly, Smith was so intimidating he was capable of ‘starting a riot in a graveyard’), Johnny Giles or Peter Story. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwFrynodsQ4

Paolo Maldini – Famously stated that “If I have to make a tackle then I have already made a mistake” Paolo’s ability to read a game and intercept a pass was probably his most obvious attribute in a game (apart from his face) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nw7dfRAa5sk

Midfielders

David Beckham – famous for 3 things. His freekicks https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axNHsOC5h1k, crosses https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6QyPrwDwko and ability to look good in anything he’s paid to. Ok, almost anything

Radja Nainggolan – Il Ninja's speciality, apart from missing international callups, is sliding past an attacking player and using his heel to tackle them. (That was harder to put that action into words than I thought). https://streamable.com/1c059

Toni Kroos – The German serial winner has the instep control down to an art https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhiSQZ16ySE

Sergio Busquets – When not kicking ankles, being a bit stampy, or being the part of the backbone for an amazing Barcelona side, Sergio has players in a spin with his patented drag-back move to buy space in a crowded midfield https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EH3VCGSbDt4 or disguising the pass https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVsbUJgBL_s

Andrei Kanchelskis – Everyone’s 2nd favourite Russian player had some of the less-conventional moves in his locker https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJmLZLTaMjQ spin and ball stand https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mL60-vWqG0M

Garrincha– One of the lesser known legends of the Brazilian game, Garrincha's ‘Will-I-Won't-I’ move had players very much on the back-foot. Born with a crooked spine, ‘The angel with bent legs’ had warped knees and a left leg a couple of inches shorter than his right https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeSresfduCY

Thomas Gravesen – One of the stranger player purchases during the Galactico era, Graveson used to use ‘la gravesinha’, where he would pretend to go in for the ball, his opponent would stop, and he'd pull out of the tackle https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jt9xfQRq2lE. Either that or he’d go in full-bore taking no prisoners, on the pitch or even in training

Andres Iniesta – Spain’s loss was Japan’s gain when he took La Croqueta to the J-League https://youtu.be/TbT3m4w4AL0 (see also Michael Laudrup) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TbT3m4w4AL0

Angel Di Maria – Frik the Gnome has quite the rabona in his locker https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2cv278

Xavi – Rumour has it, stocks in wet-look gel went down by 80% when Xavi left for Qatar. He took his La Pelopina signature move with him, buying time and space in the most simple, but effective of ways https://youtu.be/QdANkZRxOaQ

Mesut Özil - When not sulking on the bench, having questionable friends or being incredibly generous, Mesut is a wizard on the ball with a bounce finish that I've not seen anywhere else. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkL9mzF2nYk

Antonin Panenka - A man with certified balls of reinforced steel, he was the originator of The Panenka penalty…with the winning penalty in the 1976 European Championship final. Honestly, when you think about it now, how insane was that?? https://youtu.be/Tp2HZNheCZ8

Rodrigo Taddei - Probably one of the lesser-known players in this list (outside of Italy), Roma's Brazilian winger-cum-fullback had an insane Aurelio in his locker https://youtu.be/UmM5dVedSSI

Paul Scholes – You see that tree over there? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6o8h__7ypVY

Johan Djourou – Unfortunately for Johan and Arsenal, his potential was hampered by his injury record. But when he was fit and healthy, he was capable of some slick moves https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeUmJMfHvyA

Arjen Robben - Le cut inside man; as predictable as the tides, but also as utterly unstoppable https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PowbsCNHGdI

Juninho Pernambucano – Owner of probably the most incredible free-kick seen in the game, the Lyon stalwart scored 44 of his 100 goals in France from a dead-ball situation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cu79Lpabhkk

Marouane Fellaini – Big Fella is not only deadly to have when playing prime Pulisball, he also has the greatest chest control since Christina Hendrick's brassiere https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CG_TtQfKQ1U

Steven Gerrard – Scourge of defences and DJ's alike, the Liverpool legend had the knack for scoring some of the most insane long range efforts, many at the most vital times https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2g8a10

Ryan Giggs - all-time leading appearance holder for Manchester United, current Wales manager and one of the worst proponents of the 'Streisand Effect' in recent memory; Giggs' earlier career was synonymous in terrorising defences with his incredible pace with the ball at his feet. He still had it in his locker aged 39 https://youtu.be/ZSX8hhGuhWQ?t=12

Johan Cruyff – the Ajax and Barca legend, often cited as the archetype of the Dutch playing style seen for the last 40 years and the creator of the ‘Cruyff turn’ https://youtu.be/CYtzf7YD8oY

David Dunn - I couldn’t not put this in, as unfortunately for him it’s the first thing most think of when hearing the name (when not thinking of the Unbreakable character). Nothing against DaveD, but it’s just too funny not to share https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4fsLeCjB4s

Ander Herrera – PSG’s new shithouser-in-chief makes space for himself using a touch away from body https://streamable.com/4nai

Zinedine Zidane – What a player, just an all-round folically-challenged genius. His most famous move is probably the roulette https://youtu.be/u0cusxYv2Lw?t=40

Ricardo Quaresma – The Tumultuously Talented Tattooed Trivela...guy https://youtu.be/ioeZfYRR3uc

Attackers

Wayne Rooney– Although Utd and England’s all-time leading scorer, one of his famous moves was his penchant for coming deep and providing a peach of a long range pass. This being probably the most extreme example https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWDwYSkQj5g

Alessandro Del Piero – Getting into or around the edge of the left-hand side of the box, 'Gol alla Del Piero' from the 'Del Piero zone' (even has it's own Wikipedia section) were a common sight for Bianconeri https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaHkW5vCCP4

Mark Hughes - In a glittering career for Manchester United, Barcelona & Bayern Munich, Sparky was renowned for some insane volleys. Awesome fact, in 1987, Hughes played matches for both Bayern Munich and Wales in the same day https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqhpPScmijU

Francesco Totti OMRI – Roman to the core, Cucchiaio King https://youtu.be/FX9HvoQM6aM

Miroslav Klose - Known for his fearless or flying headers, Salto-Klose is also the highest scorer in World Cup history (5 of them headers, also a record) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ns0oyH1x8fs

Luis Suarez – There's obviously some other aspects of Luis' on-field activities that he's known for, but I'm going to use that time he shinmegged David Luiz's soul into the netherworld https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5hyQY8M_NI

Ronaldinho – The immensely talented party-animal (and Pepsi fan) had the elastico down pat. Ronaldinho was the kind of player that had you off your seat or smiling due to his infectiously positive approach to the game https://youtu.be/LXqPEpeokCg

Cristiano Ronaldo – Before turning into football's equivalent to Ivan Drago and an unflappable, goal-scoring robot, one of Ronaldo's earliest signature moves was the chop https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJljCOvslOQ. (others not mentioned; the towering headers, the long range bangers, and that time he took his shirt off to celebrate a penalty for his documentary crew in the 2014 CL final when the game was already long-won)

Thierry Henry – An all-round maverick and just an absolute joy to watch in his prime, one of the most memorable parts of Henry's game was his 'fake pass' https://youtu.be/3iW_YQLCIS8

Kerlon - The one-trickiest of one-trick-ponies; Kerlon was famous for 5 minutes due to his daft Seal Dribble, or 'drible da foquinha'. Whatever you call it, it was rubbish, as was most of his subsequent career https://youtu.be/LYlqql38XkY

Jean-Pierre Papin - not only is his name just lovely to say, Jean-Pierre was a monster in the mid-80s to early 90s with his fantastic goal-scoring record and La Papinade in his arsenal https://youtu.be/sGxsjcdXfr0

Robinho- Unfortunately, Robinho failed to live up to his early promise when he burst onto the scene with Santos. Despite starting his career in amazing fashion and having moves to big clubs in his career, he never quite got to the heights many expected and is currently avoiding extradition to Italy. His pedalada was something else though https://youtu.be/LBsfnXCvy3g

Dimitar Berbatov – Looks like the first-born of Dracula and Paul Newman, touch of a $1000 hooker https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29czY142IpQ. Seriously, that man is smoother than a quantum stabilized atom mirror.

Sandro Silva - He sure likes to lob the ball over the opposition https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Jtpj_civWU#t=232

Cuauhtémoc Blanco - Now a politician in his native Mexico, Blanco made every World Cup 98 promo video when he sandwiched the ball between his feet and jumped past defenders http://c3.thejournal.ie/media/2014/06/blanco-3.gif

Hugo Almeida – Another man with a vary varied, journeyman career, but he can't half hit a ball https://youtu.be/-5ihIMKh0E0

Chicharito - Like a Mexican Filippo Inzaghi, the little pea is the very definition of a poacher; always in the right place at the right time, but also has some more unconventional finishes to his name. But they all count! https://youtu.be/I3vWMEwZMQE

Lionel Messi - I could have listed so many things here for La Pulga; the chipped goals, the insane freekicks, the mazey runs, his unerring accuracy in front of goal. But one of the most consistent and standout things in his game is his low centre of gravity and the ability to change direction on a dime https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bc0SMu6W7JA

Zlatan Ibrahimovic- is there anything about this Lion's game that he's not said himself at this point? He uses his martial arts experience to the fullest, scoring some of the most spectacular and unexpected goals https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjKvNUzpuME

Romário – Another player who has gone into politics after retirement, Romário de Souza Faria was a phenomenal forward, voted one of the greatest players of all time and came 5th in the FIFA 'Player of the Century' poll. Scoring 929 official goals, but claims over 1,000. Many of these were using his patented 'toe poke' https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrvOo08OeWc

Henrik Larsson – The Swedish legend scored every type of goal during his career, but his diving headers were probably his most distinctive attribute, especially as he had loads of hair in the way most of the time https://www.facebook.com/UEFAEURO/videos/338928210107537/

Roberto Baggio - the 'Divine Ponytail' was a nightmare running at goalkeepers, often leaving them on their backside and finishing into an empty net https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBwpHKxW7dI

Sergio Agüero - A finisher of all types, he's also got a quite unique style of hitting it high and hard into the roof of the net. Also father to Maradona's grandson, there's some serious genetics going on, no pressure lil one https://youtu.be/s-XPDRTptJk?t=246

Pelé - When not selling his soul to anyone who can afford it, or single-handedly defeating Nazi Germany, Edson Arantes do Nascimento was the first worldwide football phenom and often cited as the King of Football; with 1,281 goals in 1,363 games. Part of this was down to his sheer athleticism and some innovative bicycle kicks https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVCbHjeA2I0.

Robin van Persie – First time finishes were his forte, no matter what part of the body, just an incredibly accomplished striker of the ball https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdB8By1wUBE

Danny Welbeck - the wiffle goal/assist. Honestly, the amount of fortuitous goals/assists in his collection is just astounding, like watching Bambi on ice https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKgnPGK_IRc

Dennis Bergkamp - Another silky, technical player, his first touch was also something to behold. He also had a foot like a sand-wedge https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlKgCYalLIY

Part 368 - Inversion

"They're tenacious." Nufaris thumbed his nose uneasily as he watched the battle unfolding. For over an hour, they had been trading blows and things were stalemating quickly.
"We still can't pierce their shields with the Ryden cannons, Executor Nufaris. Every time we hit them, the shields weaken momentarily, then surge back to full power. We're taking more losses than they are, but occasionally we get lucky and find a ship that doesn't have these strange shields."
The scanning officer was tight lipped and intent on his job, but Nufaris raised an eyebrow at him nonetheless. "I don't believe in luck. They must be reinforcing their front line with these altered ships somehow. What changed? Why are these new ships so much better at deflecting the Ryden cannon? Think, crewman."
The other Volgrim lowered his head for a moment before raising it again. "Perhaps he's... perhaps the Commander is using Wordsmithing to reinforce their shields?"
"Unlikely. We would pierce right through if that were the case. It must be something else."
The scanning officer quickly glanced at Nufaris before looking back to his display. "You know what the cause is then, Executor?"
"Of course I do. It's important for you to figure it out though. Combat is not simply about winning, it is about understanding your enemy."
A different officer spoke up, her voice tinged with doubt. "Might he be... boosting the performance of the shield reactors themselves?"
"Exactly. Impressive as always, Elder Zasra. If he boosts the abilities of the reactor itself, then the shields will be able to resist without allowing our anti-energy cannon to pierce through. However, another question remains. What do you suppose that is?"
A flash of light shot past the viewscreen, missing their ship by just a few meters. "If he is boosting the performance of their shields, why are only some of the ships boosted?"
"Correct. The method he is using must be imperfect and require someone with specialized talents to keep an eye on the situation, correcting the shields as they falter. This means there must be a portion of the fleet that is unprotected."
Elder Zasra breathed lightly as she looked out at the battle before them. "The rear guard."
"Now you understand. He wants us to keep focusing on the front lines, because those ships are invulnerable from a practical standpoint. But this must mean that the rear of the fleet is quite easy prey for our Intrepid-class fighters."
Nufaris took a step back and smoothed his hair, even as he felt his hands shaking. Not from fear of course, for there was no reason to fear an enemy you understood. No, this was due to a different emotion... excitement. At long last, those who laid waste to the legacy of his people would soon be a memory among the universe, one to later be purged by the memory scrubbing machines.
The humans didn't deserve to be left even as a blip marker in a holo-bank.
Still, it is an interesting story, that of our time fighting the humans. I was too soft when we first began, assuming that we might be able to resolve things diplomatically. The humans are a species that adores war, and so they will live by the blaster, only to die by the blaster.
He smirked to himself. Fitting. Unfortunate that our temporary allies will have to pay the price as well, but their intelligence on the human leader was quite useful. We will be sure to revere them as true warriors once this conflict is finally put behind us.
"I want all ships to begin targeting the enhanced enemy vessels at a fifty to one ratio. Aim at any specific spot on a given ship, and hammer it with everything we've got until the shields fail, then destroy that ship methodically. Following this, deploy the Intrepid fighters and have them so a short range warp-jump behind enemy lines and smash the unenhanced ships while their attention is on our forward barrage."
Zasra sent a questioning look his way. "I thought you said their enhanced shields were impenetrable?"
"They aren't. I was being facetious. The shields have a clear pattern of dipping and rebuilding themselves, so if we focus fire, we will cause the humans much headache. Besides, this is all just a distraction anyway."
"Understood, Executor."
The crew members on the bridge swiftly relayed his commands to the rest of the ships, even as his scanning officer looked rather sullen at not figuring out the answer to Nufaris' question sooner.
Soon... the humans will know the taste of fear and humiliation. There will be no refuge for their kind.
....................................................
Sensei's eyes watered as he yelled again. "Rebuild! Regenerate!" Every time the shield dipped below 75%, he would yell again and again, and his voice was getting hoarse now. Even though he was wearing a Hypersuit and none of the nearby crew could hear him yelling, he still felt like they were staring at him angrily for standing around and doing nothing. If only they knew the toll this was taking on him.
He coughed suddenly, as his voice caught in his throat. "Heal. His throat repaired itself and he felt better again, but he knew by his mental calculations and the ability to feel the energy in his body that his reserves were going down quickly and he was already nearing the half-empty threshold. There were still hundreds of canisters filled with type 3 energy that Original had been storing for years, but in a prolonged battle, those surely wouldn't last forever.
Worse, he was a first generation clone. The other clones from second generation and on were probably already running on fumes and dipping into the energy reserves. This was at best a band-aid.
He grimaced as the ship shuddered slightly and the shields dropped to 90%. "Back to the grind."
Before he could wordsmith, the ship violently lurched, tossing him backwards and making him fall flat on his ass. He activated his speakers as quickly as possible. "Status report!"
"They're concentrating fire on us! Almost fifty ships at once!" A nearby engineer yelled out, his calm from a few moments ago totally gone. Sensei stood back up only to gawk at the shield indicators. They had plummeted from 90% all the way to 25%. Alerts covered the screen as he quickly wordsmithing again. "Rebuild! Regenerate! Enhance!"
The shields lurched back up to 50% but quickly dropped again as the viewscreen showed him a wall of enemy fire concentrating his ship down.
I was worried about this. Can't just create a shield either, not with wordsmithing. If it's made of heroic energy it'll probably be dissipated instantly.
He activated the comm in his suit. "Original! Are the Dartfighters launched yet?! What's taking so long?!"
"No good." Original's voice had a tinge of sadness in it. "The Dartfighters lose the hull enhancements once they get within range of the Volgrim ship. At this point, I don't think we're just dealing with energy nullification, this must be.... something else. Maybe energy inversion. I didn't think it was possible."
His voice was unnaturally calm, given the situation. "Redirect some asteroids into their ships, then! Do something!"
"I don't know what to do. I'm talking with Harold though, we'll figure something out."
"I hope so." Sensei started to say something else but the ship shook again and the shield generator behind him exploded violently, the cascade of power blasting him forwards until he smashed against a wall.
He was totally uninjured and quickly jumped back to his feet, but he was surprised to see the entire bulkhead where the generator had been was gone. It had been totally blown away and sent out into the blackness of space, the emergency force fields initializing in its wake to seal the breach.
An alarm light blared, but no noise was audible. Sensei quickly realized the oxygen in the room had been vacuumed out into space.
"I have to go. Ship just took a bad hit." He clicked the line off without waiting for confirmation, as he pushed himself through the air towards the hull breach. The gravity generators had gone offline in his room, so he would have to move quickly in order to seal up the hole in time to save the ship.
What happened?! How did they manage to punch through the shields so fast? They weren't even close before!
....................................................
Three cherubs held together in a tight formation as they swung their swords to the right and the left, hacking down demons by the dozens.
"Hold the line! Don't let them through!" Zeus howled at the top of his lungs as he aimed his rod towards a group of clustered demons. A second later, a blast of lightning shot out at the speed of light, screaming forwards like an angry maelstrom as it devoured all of the demons in sight.
Zeus took a step back and gasped for breath. The demons were relentless. This would be called the Second Battle for Heaven, if they managed to win again. His energy was drained quickly by using his lightning though, and there was simply no way to keep it up for extended periods of time without draining his life force.
Behind him, Gabriel sat on the ground with his legs crossed as he meditated. It had been a long time since he had fought in battle, and condensing his energy together would be necessary to maintain Cosmic status, a form that temporarily gave him access to unlimited energy.
Zeus cursed himself for not taking the time to give another Archangel Cosmic status. "Brother! How much longer before you're ready?!" A Scyther leaped towards Zeus and he deftly swung his blunt rod at the demon, hitting it with enough force to splatter it into pieces all over the grass.
"Just another few minutes. Hold out." Gabriel's eyebrow twitched even as he kept his eyes locked shut.
"Make it fast!" Zeus looked from side to side, using his special vision to hunt for great sources of demonic energy. From a distance, he spotted a massive brutish demon with a huge flail tearing through hordes of angels with ease.
I can't leave my brother behind, as he is defenseless while he gathers his energy. But neither can I let that behemoth crush my comrades!
Zeus raised his thumb to his mouth and bit into it hard, feeling the taste of blood fill his mouth. An instant later, time began to slow down around him. Soon, it crawled and he could move normally.
Running forwards, he smashed his rod into several demons along the way, sending their heads flying from the tops of their bodies and far off into the distance. The foul beasts would never know to what deity they owned the honor of meeting their end.
Quickly he appeared before the demon with the flail and smashed the demon with his fists, buffeting and pummeling him with every ounce of power he had. This was no ordinary demon, but a demon emperor, if his energy level was to be gauged correctly.
Zeus battered him, smashed him, pounded him with every ounce of power he had, then finished by beating the fat one with the bodies of other demons.
His heart pulsed in agony and he realized his minute of light-time was nearly up. Faster than even he thought possible, he rushed back to his brother only to collapse in exhaustion at the feet of Gabriel.
Gabriel didn't open his eyes. "Foolish. Don't waste Temporal Manipulation on small fry."
Zeus spit blood on the ground as he raised his head to search for the massive demon he had just savagely tore into. "You're one to talk. Hurry up with the transformation!"
"Almost done."
Finally, Zeus spotted the demon and a chill went down his arms. The demon was limping now, but otherwise was nowhere close to dead. What was he made of?!
"Done." Gabriel leaped to his feet as his eyes glowed yellow. He slapped his chest and wrenched his wrist in a circle and began to grow enormously. Soon, he was bigger than Kronos had been when Zeus fought the old demon, all those centuries ago.
Gabriel didn't smile as he aimed his hand forwards and blasted out a colossal amount of energy towards the demons.
We can win this. Zeus climbed to he feet shakily and charged back into battle. We will destroy the demons today!
....................................................
I can't believe it. The readouts in front of me indicate Sensei's ship just exploded. I mean, he's not dead. Not a chance. The hypersuits are just too ridiculous for that to happen. But, still... this isn't good. Now they're punching right through our shields. Sustained focus fire can make even the strongest defense crumble.
"Kid, got bad news." Harold tightly speaks in my mind. "Bunch o' aliens just jumped behind the fleet. They're takin' out the ships that ain't reinforced."
"What? Damn." Reflexively, I grip Excalibur at my side. "Try... I don't know." I hesitate, unsure of what to do. Nufaris is being so vicious, and is unwilling to listen. I thought this battle would be easy, but I was totally wrong. That's on me. I can't let humanity suffer for my cockiness."Do you think if I got aboard the flagship I could take Nufaris out?"
"Not a chance. That ship is surrounded by their weird anti-energy aura. More likely, you'd prolly die if you stepped in it. It wreaks havoc on our ships you powered up."
His words spark my imagination. "That's it! They're not nullifying my wordsmithing, they're inverting it! That means our ships are being weakened by having my magic on it! So..." I tap the comms to speak to all of my clones via their Hypersuits at once. "Listen up! I want all of you to use 'Dispel' on your ships and other nearby ships! Dispel all of our enhancements to their hulls. The Volgrim weapons are using our own energy against us!"
Nobody responds, but they don't need to. A quick readout on my tactical display indicates that nearly every ship in the fleet simultaneously is losing 50% of their hull integrity. The real question is if this will work out in the end or not. If it does, then it was a wise maneuver. If it doesn't... I've just hastened our demise.
...Minutes pass. I'm stunned to see that the enemy changes their attack strategy again, no longer relying on brute-forcing their way past our shields. In fact, we're starting to take the offensive. My plan was a success.
"Nice work, Original. Quick thinking. I should have thought of that." Sensei's voice sounds off in my ear. "Maybe you're smarter than I expected."
Um, thanks I guess? I ignore the left handed compliment. "I have my moments. Let's push back against them!"
"You got it!" Sensei snickers quietly as he disconnects again.
At least the conversation was positive. After this is all over, I need to have a talk with my clones. I need to figure out what's going on. I'm obviously doing a terrible job and they seem to have no respect for me, so I'll need to take care of that.
Harold suddenly speaks to me in my mind. "Oh... oh god, kid. Oh god."
"Harold? What's wrong? What's going on?"
He sounds absolutely crushed, as if he just found out a secret that will change the fabric of reality. "The Volgrim are pullin' back, kid."
"Really? That's good! Uh, right? Am I missing something?"
"Yeah, it's good. Too good to be true. But I finally realized why they's been playin' this long game. They had something else with 'em. Look."
My viewscreen lights up with an image that chills me to the bone.
"What the hell... what is that thing? It's... is that what was giving us the reading from... before?"
"Yeah. It... it went around the battle. It warped further into the solar system. It's just now gone past Mars."
My heart skips a beat. "What?! We have to intercept it! We have to get back to Earth!"
"I'm on it." The old man seems to choke back emotions as the flight path on the ship changes suddenly. "Let's just hope we make it in time, boy."
....................................................
Jorge clicked the revolver's hammer, then pulled the trigger as the gun made an empty sound. He continued staring ahead blankly, as he clicked the hammer down again, pulling the trigger once more.
Sitting on a bench just outside his house, he stared across the street blankly at the wall of his neighbor's building. The sun was warmer than usual, just warm enough to start melting the snow in the area, but not warm enough to go for a jog in. Still, he wore no coat, ignoring the cold temperatures and chilly winds that whistled around him.
I don't have anything left to live for.
He clicked the hammer on the revolver again, as he wondered to himself what it would feel like... what it would feel like to slide a bullet inside the chamber.
I'll just put one bullet in there. Spin the cylinder around... pull the trigger. Fun little game of Russian Roulette. Yeah... fun little game.
His wife was taken by the demons, his daughter killed, his career over. The last one didn't even matter to him, but it added salt to the wound.
God hates me. That's what it is. I cheated and he took them from me. What's the point of going on like this anymore?
He lifted his head up to stare at the sun. A cloud somewhat blocked it, but the sky was mostly clear. The moon was visible above, an odd sight to see in the middle of the day on a January morning.
A smell of bacon drifted on the wind, but Jorge ignored it. Food is for people who deserve good things. Food isn't for me.
His stomach growled angrily, but he just rubbed it and closed his eyes. It had been three days since he last ate, and he had decided not to eat again unless his wife returned from the lair of the demons. Fasting was the least he could do, considering she was likely suffering unimaginable torture under their hands.
I'm weak. I don't even know where the bastards took her. If they did, would I go and rescue her? My mind says yes, but my heart says no.
He pulled the trigger again and the gun clicked loudly in his hand.
What's the point of living without them? They were everything to me.
He leaned his head back and stared at the moon, in all of its glory. It was bigger than usual, a sight he would normally be glad to have seen. Now, he just didn't care.
Still, he stared at the moon in the sky, blinking slowly as he noticed something odd. To the right of the moon, a strange sphere had appeared. It was about a quarter the size of the moon, but unless his eyes were deceiving him, it appeared to be growing in size... very slowly.
Very slowly, indeed.
"I wonder if I'm hallucinating." Jorge mumbled to nobody in particular, as he pulled back the hammer on the revolver again.
....................................................
Pst don't forget guys, if you like the story, there's always my Patreon!
Or, failing that, the upvote button :)

Kickstarter Roundup: June 11, 2017 | 32 Ending Soon (incl: Roll Player Expansion, Manhattan Project 2: Minutes to Midnight, & Legendary Showdown: Presidential Ed) & 54 New This Week (incl: Lords of Hellas, Rise of Tribes, & Archmage)

What this is:

This is a weekly, curated listing of Kickstarter tabletop games projects that are either:

newly posted in the past 7 days, or
ending in the next 7 days (starting tomorrow) and have at least a fighting chance of being funded.

All board game projects meeting those criteria will automatically be included, no need to ask. (But the occasional non-board game project may also sneak in!)
Expect new lists each Sunday sometime between 12:00am and 12:00pm PST.

Ending Soon

Project Info	Status	Backers	Avg Pledge	Ending	Comments
Saloon Tycoon: The Ranch Expansion Yee-Haw! Introducing The Ranch Expansion for Saloon Tycoon, the 3D tile laying game set in the old west. Base game also available. (Has currently earned $57,849 of $10,000)	578%	1139	$51	06-12	kicktraq #expansion base game
The Veil: Cascade, a post-cyberpunk roleplaying game Embody characters in a Cyberpunk future while playing to unravel the mysteries of your own making and your very sense of self. (Has currently earned $24,691 CAD of $5,500 CAD)	448%	602	$41 CAD	06-12	kicktraq #rpg
TAG - 28mm Dwarf Empire Bear Knight Miniatures 28mm sized, Dwarf Bear Knights on foot, for RPGs, and Old-School Fantasy battle games. (Has currently earned £1,820 of £500)	364%	60	£30	06-12	kicktraq
> ANTAGONISM < Learn it in 180 seconds, play it everywhere! A thematic and portable pure strategy game. In competitive or semi-cooperative mode, dominate or destroy your opponents! ONLY~$22/€21 (Has currently earned $877 of $100)	877%	44	$20	06-12	kicktraq
32mm and 28mm Modern Wargame Modern wargame designed for 28mm and 32mm miniatures. (Has currently earned €6,437 of €8,500)	75%	62	€104	06-13	kicktraq #take3
Hardwood Dice Towers / Dice Storage & Rollers /D&D Coasters This time the theme for my items is Cylinders. There are solutions to fit any/all of your dice storage or rolling needs, check it out! (Has currently earned $5,831 of $2,000)	291%	92	$63	06-13	kicktraq #bling
Star Smores - May the Fourth Course Be with You! Battle with Obi Wan Cannoli & Flan Solo against Darth Wafer & Filo Ren in this expansion for Gingerdead House. (Has currently earned $7,066 of $1,000)	706%	428	$17	06-13	kicktraq #expansion base game
Manhattan Project 2: Minutes to Midnight - board game The sequel to the The Manhattan Project by the original designer. Control your nation's nuclear weapons program during the cold war. (Has currently earned $104,328 of $40,000)	260%	1680	$62	06-13	kicktraq
Ghosts of Gaia TWO: Reinforcements - 28mm Scifi Female Minis 28mm Female Minis for Post Apoc Wargaming. Dressed to kill. Also Rocket Propelled Bunnies. What? (Has currently earned £13,673 of £3,500)	390%	260	£53	06-14	kicktraq #minis
Rise of the Necromancers A strategy boardgame for 2-5 players, where each player controls a Necromancer struggling for absolute dominance. (Has currently earned $52,178 of $42,000)	124%	729	$72	06-14	kicktraq
The 'Roc' Dropship - Designed for Infinity High-quality resin Dropship, "Designed for Infinity" - but also suitable for any 28mm-32mm tabletop Sci-fi gaming. (Has currently earned £12,393 of £3,700)	334%	99	£125	06-14	kicktraq #minis
Le Neckbeard: A Casual Card Game for Casuals A casual card game for casuals. Use your Skills, Ego, Intellect, Appearance and Sustenance to save as many Waifus as possible! (Has currently earned $8,705 of $10,000)	87%	193	$45	06-14	kicktraq
Zucati EleMetal™ dice for tabletop and roleplaying games Tabletop gaming dice made from pure elements and refined alloys. Designed for the best rolling experience possible. (Has currently earned $33,499 of $10,000)	334%	403	$83	06-14	kicktraq #dice
Legendary Showdown: Presidential Edition Legendary Showdown: Presidential Edition pits the most eccentric minds of history against one another in bizarre, comedic battles. (Has currently earned $78,307 of $75,000)	104%	1531	$51	06-15	kicktraq
Schneeble A super slick trick-taking game featuring art by Don Maitz and Keith Parkinson! You should back it. Seriously, you'll like it. (Has currently earned $3,028 of $500)	605%	198	$15	06-15	kicktraq
ROLL PLAYER - Monsters & Minions Expansion (+ Reprint) The King has raised a call to arms! Create your character. Earn experience and confront the vile monster terrorizing the village! (Has currently earned $274,977 of $65,000)	423%	3692	$74	06-15	kicktraq #expansion base game
Printable Tabletop Terrain Cold War Germany Print your own tabletop/modeling buildings. You will get files for German buildings useful for Cold War Settings (some also for WW2) (Has currently earned €3,607 of €300)	1202%	93	€39	06-16	kicktraq
It's Just A Theory - The Conspiracy Themed Card Game Players work against each-other to create entertaining conspiracy theories drawing from the propaganda perpetuated in the modern world. (Has currently earned £5,047 of £6,500)	77%	210	£24	06-16	kicktraq
OXO - the mandala card game OXO is a card game with a wonderful mandala look that will delight you. Learn it in 5 minutes and you're ready to play! (Has currently earned €2,729 of €2,500)	109%	186	€15	06-16	kicktraq
Lorecraft Greek Tactics The military tactics of Ancient Greece are unleashed in this 2 player turn-based strategy game. (Has currently earned $2,519 CAD of $2,500 CAD)	100%	19	$133 CAD	06-16	kicktraq
Drinkagon - Strategic Drinking Game Board game for up to 6 players that combines drinking vs. truth or dare and strategic thinking. (Has currently earned $12,761 of $5,000)	255%	370	$34	06-16	kicktraq
The Hab Block - Phase II 28mm modular Wargaming Terrain The Hab Block - phase II is a large up-grade and builds on the original Hab Block Kickstarter that we successfully launched last year. (Has currently earned £27,380 of £2,500)	1095%	231	£119	06-16	kicktraq #bling
Dome Crushers - A Tiny Card Game of Titanic Arena Battles A two-player card game that plays in under 10 minutes. Brute strength may win the round, but cleverness will lead to victory! (Has currently earned $6,059 of $4,000)	151%	434	$14	06-17	kicktraq
Double Negative - The Uncard Game. Our unique scoring system takes you where no card game has gone before: the negative numbers. (Has currently earned $369 of $325)	113%	5	$74	06-17	kicktraq
Ravage - Dungeons of Plunder - Ain't no Heroes Here A dungeon delving board game where you play Orcs, featuring 3 game modes Solo, Co-Op and Treachery for 1-5 players. (Has currently earned £20,850 of £18,000)	115%	607	£34	06-17	kicktraq
butt wasted. the party game for party people. A party game for 4+ people that's so ridiculous and fun you'll wonder how parties ever existed before it. (Has currently earned $23,221 of $20,000)	116%	184	$126	06-17	kicktraq #lolwut
CARTHAGE - Easy to Learn... Easy to Die! Face the horde, outwit your opponents, and deliver pain in this vicious, fun, and raw Gladiator DECKBUILDING BOARD GAME for 2-5 Players (Has currently earned $29,980 CAD of $19,500 CAD)	153%	423	$71 CAD	06-17	kicktraq
A party game for inappropriate people Artzing is a card game that combines art & being completely inappropriate! This game is totally unsophisticated and tons of fun! (Has currently earned $4,345 of $9,950)	43%	128	$34	06-17	kicktraq
Debatable A seriously silly party game for people who love to argue. Lots of content, lots of fun - and it's just $19 with FREE shipping! (Has currently earned $8,975 of $3,500)	256%	366	$25	06-17	kicktraq
Village of Legends - fantasy deck-building game Combine your hero's skill set strategically with weapons, spells, scrolls and other market items. Fast-paced 2-4 player game. (Has currently earned €14,864 of €2,500)	594%	323	€46	06-18	kicktraq #take2
War of the Nine Realms The final Clash of the Norse Realms, Ragnarok. An epic fight with the winner deciding the Fate of the Universe. (Has currently earned £5,353 of £5,000)	107%	118	£45	06-18	kicktraq #take2
CHESSPLUS - An Amazing Board Game. The Evolution of Chess. A compelling and beautifully designed game. Create dynamic new merged pieces and then split them for fast attacks and quick promotions. (Has currently earned $27,132 AUD of $38,500 AUD)	70%	285	$95 AUD	06-18	kicktraq
Unlabeled - The Blind Beer Tasting Game Unlabeled is the blind beer tasting board game that tests your ability to identify different beers. Designed for all beer drinkers! (Has currently earned $5,655 of $6,500)	87%	108	$52	06-18	kicktraq

New This Week

Project Info	Status	Backers	Avg Pledge	Ending	Comments
"Zero Gravity" Crowd Review - MAGNETIC MINIATURES game Get early access for €1 to the rules of the most innovative miniatures game ever: contribute to its review and fund its play-testing! (Has currently earned €100 of €150)	66%	15	€7	07-06
American Car Quartet! American Car Quartet (Zolse) is a fun to play card game that is based on the Dutch game quartet! With beautiful card photos! (Has currently earned €0 of €200)	0%	0	€0	07-10	#lolwut
Archmage Travel the lands, build an Order of Mages, and become the Archmage - weaving all forms of magic into one - in this exciting board game. (Has currently earned $34,136 of $30,000)	113%	528	$65	06-22
Arthur's Realm - A Game of King Arthur Legends Each game tells a unique tale of romance and war in King Arthur's Court. (Has currently earned $215 of $2,500)	8%	5	$43	07-05
BASH! BASH! is a deckbuilding card game with crazy characters and chaotic battles! (Has currently earned $675 of $5,500)	12%	8	$84	07-07
Bio-logic: Microscopic Domination ~ Inside the Human Body Compete as a uniquely engineered Super-bug. Explore, cultivate and fight to survive and dominate this inner body micro-universe. (Has currently earned $2,746 of $35,000)	7%	51	$54	07-10
Blueshift: The Game of Galactic Conquest for 2-6 Players Take command of a unique alien civilization to explore the depths of space, expand your empire, and conquer the galaxy! (Has currently earned $7,691 of $20,000)	38%	138	$56	07-07
BroUp the Open Card Game The hand drawn card game packed with total silliness and crazy fun, laughter, combos, trickery, tweaking and teamwork! (Has currently earned £51 of £14,000)	0%	3	£17	07-08
Build the Wall - The Politically Incorrect Board Game © It’s a race to the finish as Illegal Immigrants rush to fill Sanctuary Cities before the Nation can “Build the Wall”! (Has currently earned $433 of $60,000)	0%	4	$108	07-08	#hmm
Click Click Boom A tension-filled card game of bluffing, deception, and Russian roulette. Compete in 3 Shootouts to claim Pots, Steal Coins, and WIN! (Has currently earned $3,764 of $7,000)	53%	122	$31	07-05
Covil: The Dark Overlords An area control game for 1 to 4 players. Unleash your minions and struggle for supremacy over the regions! (Has currently earned $9,751 of $15,000)	65%	192	$51	07-03
Critters Below - Survival has never been so much fun! Outlive the bombings - and your friends! Look for supplies in the dark and make it to the end of the war in this fast paced card game. (Has currently earned €7,780 of €15,000)	51%	223	€35	07-05	#take2
Deception: Undercover Allies An all new expansion to the hit game, Deception: Murder in Hong Kong (Has currently earned $112,732 of $25,000)	450%	1841	$61	07-03	#expansion base game
Diabolical! Tabletop Game A lighthearted, tactical and chaotic game of secrets, backstabbery, and world domination! 3–6 players, ages 14+, 45-60 mins. (Has currently earned $4,619 of $18,000)	25%	91	$51	07-12
Distinct Gaming 2.0 Organised Play Store A community driven Organised Play Store in Belper. A place to meet, compete and play for fun all whilst enjoying a coffee! (Has currently earned £148 of £2,000)	7%	5	£30	07-15	#cafe
Dome Crushers - A Tiny Card Game of Titanic Arena Battles A two-player card game that plays in under 10 minutes. Brute strength may win the round, but cleverness will lead to victory! (Has currently earned $6,059 of $4,000)	151%	434	$14	06-17
F-Life - A Card Game About Adulthood A dark humored party card game about life and the terrible things that happen to us all. (Has currently earned $3,825 of $10,000)	38%	66	$58	07-13	#take3 #hmm
FLOCKED! A Shepherd's strategy card game with board game elements to spice up the fun factor, with resource management and dice chucking battle. (Has currently earned $2,663 of $10,000)	26%	56	$48	07-07
Furious Ascent - A cooperative card game for 2 to 4 players. The object of the game is for all players to progress as a team through four ascents to reach the mountain summit. (Has currently earned $720 of $5,000)	14%	55	$13	07-07
Gomorraland Be the best Boss in this deep, intense strategy game full of choices, multiple endings and cruel betrayals. Limited Production. (Has currently earned €2,122 of €3,000)	70%	43	€49	06-23	#take2
Groves Build beautiful groves, manage your elemental spirits and earn the most dominion in this board game for 1-4 players, ~60 minutes. (Has currently earned $14,592 of $8,800)	165%	410	$36	07-06
Hanami Hanafuda & Poker Playing Cards and Rulebook Relaunch 54 uniquely illustrated playing cards. Printed by LPCC. In-depth 250 page 31-game hanafuda rulebook. (Has currently earned $7,452 of $11,500)	64%	143	$52	07-11	#take2
Hasa Diga Eebowai - A musical theatre game for rude people Cards Against Humanity meets the surprisingly rude world of musical theatre in this new game (Has currently earned £132 of £1,500)	8%	6	£22	07-07	#lolwut
Kommands Board Game - Gather, Build, Battle! Epic board game where you gather or steal resources, level up your civilization, command armies, and destroy your enemies (Has currently earned $61 CAD of $1,000 CAD)	6%	3	$20 CAD	07-04
Lords of Hellas Fresh miniature territory control game with adventure elements from creators of This War of Mine: The Board Game (Has currently earned £776,943 of £50,000)	1553%	7143	£109	06-27
Loyalty: Friends & Enemies - a tabletop strategy game A 3-6 player strategy game that immerses you in a world of high intrigue and risk. Two players win together as they defeat the others. (Has currently earned $1,017 of $13,000)	7%	20	$51	08-07
Melee: Stones of War - Worldwide, Hidden, With 3D Printer A board game hidden all over the world that comes with a 3D printer to print pieces as you achieve them & progress through the game. (Has currently earned $700 of $150,000)	0%	4	$175	08-05
METAL DICE - INFINITE SPACE: ENDLESS The most unique metal dice, New design and special accessory items for SciFi Board Games. (Has currently earned $2,911 of $10,000)	29%	107	$27	07-09	#dice
Monsters, Beer and Booty A 2-5 player drinking card game about battling monsters, drinking beer, gaining treasures and punishing your opponents. (Has currently earned $706 AUD of $15,000 AUD)	4%	13	$54 AUD	07-08
Moonshine Run, A game by a Madman or Two. Moonshine Run is a game set during the Prohibition. It puts rival runners up against each other to see who can make the most money. (Has currently earned $989 of $5,500)	17%	43	$23	07-11	#take2
Odyssey: THE FURIES Help me fund the Furies! Sculpted by Dave Kidd, based on concept art from Roberto Cirillo, created by Fet Milner and myself! (Has currently earned £2,211 of £1,200)	184%	77	£29	06-23	#minis
Pantheon of Chaos - Chapter two Classic style chaos themed metal miniatures! (Has currently earned €8,300 of €5,000)	166%	133	€62	07-03	#minis
Pitch, Please! The game of the sixty second screenplay. Pitch, Please! is THE fully illustrated card-based improvisational party in your pocket for any occasion! (Has currently earned $2,352 of $1,500)	156%	51	$46	07-05
Pocket Ops - Deduction and Area Control Move your Spies to infiltrate a secret military Facility & secure a Doomsday Device. Outthink your opponent & dominate the battlefield! (Has currently earned $8,506 of $5,000)	170%	364	$23	06-26
Pull Your Card Hip Hop Trivia So, you think you know Hip Hop music, old and new? Prove it by challenging your friends to this fun, new trivia game! (Has currently earned $509 of $3,000)	16%	14	$36	07-07
Radiant - Board Game A war in three ages. Activate assassins, command knights, and claim mystical temples in this beautifully designed board game. (Has currently earned $4,672 of $16,500)	28%	134	$35	07-07	#take2
Rank of Hands Card Game Rank of Hands is a quick paced fast thinking card game, that takes elements from several different card games and infuses them into one (Has currently earned $107 of $18,000)	0%	4	$27	07-10
Right Or Racist The Party Card Game About Stereotypes (Has currently earned $770 of $16,000)	4%	30	$26	07-19
Rise of Tribes Lead your prehistoric Tribe to victory through discovery, achievements, civilization and overcoming the odds. Choose how you Rise. (Has currently earned $111,050 of $10,000)	1110%	1753	$63	07-06
RONE (2nd Edition) + RONE: New Forces expansion (Relaunch) RONE 2nd edition and the new expansion "New Forces". Improved graphics, box, rulebook, and a lot of new features in the new expansion. (Has currently earned $6,853 of $14,000)	48%	143	$48	07-06	#take2 #2.0 1st ed
Russian & Roulette - The edge of your seat dice game! Play roulette with friends and family with this new intensely fun dice game. But beware, only one person will make it to the end (Has currently earned $1,308 AUD of $1,400 AUD)	93%	34	$38 AUD	07-06
Savage Planet: The Fate of Fantos Fight for the Fate of Fantos in this beautifully illustrated, dark fantasy card game inspired by comics and cartoons from the 80s! (Has currently earned $11,034 of $12,500)	88%	323	$34	07-07
Scenarios - The Decision Making Card Game Scenarios is the new decision-based card game, designed to stretch your persuasive and imaginative skills to their limits. (Has currently earned £75 of £6,000)	1%	4	£19	07-05
Schneeble A super slick trick-taking game featuring art by Don Maitz and Keith Parkinson! You should back it. Seriously, you'll like it. (Has currently earned $3,028 of $500)	605%	198	$15	06-15
Scream or Die - A 2-4 player game for monsters of all ages! Win on anyone's turn in this family-friendly dice game with light strategy and a cute Halloween theme. 2-4 Players. 10-15 Minutes. (Has currently earned $2,361 of $7,000)	33%	66	$36	07-08
Sixty Mile Sky: A Sci-Fi Table Top RPG A game ruleset designed to run a Sci-Fi roleplaying game in a variety of worlds. This game uses a d10 system powered by the apocalpse. (Has currently earned $1,135 of $6,500)	17%	28	$41	07-06	#rpg
Skyline Chess - New York City Edition Bringing the iconic architecture of New York City to your chess board (Has currently earned £2,229 of £10,000)	22%	24	£93	07-14
TAG - 28mm Dwarf Empire Bear Knight Miniatures 28mm sized, Dwarf Bear Knights on foot, for RPGs, and Old-School Fantasy battle games. (Has currently earned £1,820 of £500)	364%	60	£30	06-12	#minis
The Android Collective White metal Androids for SciFi RPG's and Tabletop Gaming. 32mm to the top of the head, making them suitable for many scales and genres. (Has currently earned £969 of £600)	161%	33	£29	06-18	#minis
The Open Road The Original Bicycle Touring Board Game. Pack your bags, hop in the saddle, and enjoy the freedom and adventure of The Open Road. (Has currently earned $10,057 of $25,000)	40%	122	$82	07-04
The Tablebreaker: The Ultimate d20 The Tablebreaker is a beautiful, modern display piece that's perfect for any gamer. (Has currently earned $6,323 of $4,500)	140%	47	$135	07-11	#bling
Tiny Wastelands: Post-Apocalyptic Minimalist Roleplaying The minimalist TinyD6 roleplaying system hits the roads in this post-apocalyptic ruleset! You ready scavengers? (Has currently earned $7,437 of $6,000)	123%	175	$42	07-07	#rpg
Twisted Tower (An 80's Themed Jenga Style Strategy Game) We used card and video game aspects to make a Jenga style strategy game with an 80's retro theme. (Has currently earned $210 of $25,000)	0%	6	$35	07-08
World's Most Adventurous Game ~ Your World "Your World," is an adventurous game that sharpens the mind. It is designed by James who had the idea of the board when he was four. (Has currently earned $119 of $13,000)	0%	3	$40	07-09	#lolwut
You've got problems. The hilarious new party game from Jack Dire, the creator of Superfight, Red Flags, and Blank Marry Kill. (Has currently earned $11,031 of $10,000)	110%	339	$33	07-18

Looking for more comprehensive Kickstarter gaming information? Check out the meta listings on BGG, explore Kicktraq's data-driven views, or, of course, Kickstater's Tabletop Category.

Footnotes

#hmm means that something about the project seems a little off. Buyer beware kinda thing.
#lolwut is reserved for projects that seem like trainwrecks. Check 'em out for amusement.
#take tags are for projects that have been restarted for some reason, with the number indicating what iteration we're currently on.
Did I miss something? Particularly stuff that might go in the Comments column? Let me know and I'll add it in.

Kickstarter Roundup: July 2, 2017 | 29 Ending Soon (incl: Rise of Tribes, Helionox Deluxe, & Oaxaca) & 46 New This Week (incl: Action News, The Stonebound Saga, & Coin & Crown)

What this is:

This is a weekly, curated listing of Kickstarter tabletop games projects that are either:

newly posted in the past 7 days, or
ending in the next 7 days (starting tomorrow) and have at least a fighting chance of being funded.

Ending Soon

Project Info	Status	Backers	Avg Pledge	Ending	Comments
The Royal Game Of Ur: 3d Printed Playable Replica The oldest boardgame we know of, dating back 4,500 years, recreated with space technology so you can play it today. (Has currently earned $1,981 of $1,000)	198%	40	$50	07-03	kicktraq
Deception: Undercover Allies An all new expansion to the hit game, Deception: Murder in Hong Kong (Has currently earned $233,671 of $25,000)	934%	3779	$62	07-03	kicktraq #take2 #expansion base game
Helionox: Deluxe Edition Helionox is a movement based deck building board game for 1-4 players that can be played in competitive, cooperative, or solo modes. (Has currently earned $66,335 of $12,000)	552%	1111	$60	07-03	kicktraq #reprint bgg
Oaxaca: A Dice-Rolling, Engine-Building Card Game A Dice-rolling, Engine-Building Tabletop Game of Handicrafts for 1-4 players set in beautiful Oaxaca, Mexico. (Has currently earned $31,212 of $12,500)	249%	646	$48	07-03	kicktraq
GORE BALL Ogres 28mm Scale Resin Fantasy Football Ogre Miniatures (Has currently earned £4,321 of £250)	1728%	92	£47	07-03	kicktraq #minis
Covil: The Dark Overlords An area control game for 1 to 4 players. Unleash your minions and struggle for supremacy over the regions! (Has currently earned $55,592 of $15,000)	370%	843	$66	07-03	kicktraq
Pantheon of Chaos - Chapter two Classic style chaos themed metal miniatures! (Has currently earned €15,470 of €5,000)	309%	203	€76	07-03	kicktraq #minis
Ill-Tempered Tikis Be the first player to collect a complete Tiki family and bring peace and harmony back to the South Pacific. (Has currently earned $1,092 of $100)	1092%	54	$20	07-04	kicktraq
The Open Road The Original Bicycle Touring Board Game. Pack your bags, hop in the saddle, and enjoy the freedom and adventure of The Open Road. (Has currently earned $27,268 of $25,000)	109%	266	$103	07-04	kicktraq
ReFloristation An economic strategy Floristry game for 1 to 5 players - can you earn more money than your rivals and have your Florist Blossom? (Has currently earned £5,008 of £9,000)	55%	174	£29	07-05	kicktraq
Scenarios - The Decision Making Card Game Scenarios is the new decision-based card game, designed to stretch your persuasive and imaginative skills to their limits. (Has currently earned £4,250 of £6,000)	70%	54	£79	07-05	kicktraq
Pitch, Please! The game of the sixty second screenplay. Pitch, Please! is THE fully illustrated card-based improvisational party in your pocket for any occasion! (Has currently earned $3,733 of $1,500)	248%	82	$46	07-05	kicktraq
Settlers for Satan Settle satanic churches and cathedrals for Satan with these stone hexes. Limited Collectors Edition. (Has currently earned $4,943 of $666)	742%	55	$90	07-05	kicktraq #bling
Critters Below - Survival has never been so much fun! Outlive the bombings - and your friends! Look for supplies in the dark and make it to the end of the war in this fast paced card game. (Has currently earned €11,462 of €15,000)	76%	326	€35	07-05	kicktraq
Click Click Boom A tension-filled card game of bluffing, deception, and Russian roulette. Compete in 3 Shootouts to claim Pots, Steal Coins, and WIN! (Has currently earned $5,428 of $7,000)	77%	173	$31	07-05	kicktraq
Dead Throne - Board Game + App Open world, RPG, adventure game, introducing unique gameplay and components. Battle, trap, deceive, tackle side quests and use magic. (Has currently earned £8,821 of £96,000)	9%	122	£72	07-06	kicktraq
"Zero Gravity" Crowd Review - MAGNETIC MINIATURES game Get early access for €1 to the rules of the most innovative miniatures game ever: contribute to its review and fund its play-testing! (Has currently earned €174 of €150)	115%	23	€8	07-06	kicktraq
RONE (2nd Edition) + RONE: New Forces expansion (Relaunch) RONE 2nd edition and the new expansion "New Forces". Improved graphics, box, rulebook, and a lot of new features in the new expansion. (Has currently earned $11,713 of $14,000)	83%	211	$56	07-06	kicktraq #2.0 1st ed
The Lost Age RPG Heroes build their legend and ascend to godhood in a mythic bronze age tactical RPG. Back as a creator to become a part of the world! (Has currently earned $5,655 of $5,000)	113%	105	$54	07-06	kicktraq #rpg
Russian & Roulette - The edge of your seat dice game! Play roulette with friends and family with this new intensely fun dice game. But beware, only one person will make it to the end (Has currently earned $1,626 AUD of $1,400 AUD)	116%	44	$37 AUD	07-06	kicktraq
Rise of Tribes Lead your prehistoric Tribe to victory through discovery, achievements, civilization and overcoming the odds. Choose how you Rise. (Has currently earned $257,654 of $10,000)	2576%	3853	$67	07-06	kicktraq
Groves Build beautiful groves, manage your elemental spirits and earn the most dominion in this board game for 1-4 players, ~60 minutes. (Has currently earned $25,388 of $8,800)	288%	660	$38	07-06	kicktraq
Savage Planet: The Fate of Fantos Fight for the Fate of Fantos in this beautifully illustrated, dark fantasy card game inspired by comics and cartoons from the 80s! (Has currently earned $32,500 of $12,500)	260%	888	$37	07-07	kicktraq
Pull Your Card Hip Hop Trivia So, you think you know Hip Hop music, old and new? Prove it by challenging your friends to this fun, new trivia game! (Has currently earned $3,182 of $3,000)	106%	37	$86	07-07	kicktraq
Blueshift: The Game of Galactic Conquest for 2-6 Players Take command of a unique alien civilization to explore the depths of space, expand your empire, and conquer the galaxy! (Has currently earned $14,247 of $20,000)	71%	264	$54	07-07	kicktraq
MADCAP: Screwball Cartoon Role-Play for Tabletop A tabletop role-playing game about cartoon mischief, madness, and mayhem, from the creators of FARFLUNG and IRONCLAW. (Has currently earned $5,763 of $1,465)	393%	175	$33	07-07	kicktraq #rpg
Scream or Die - A 2-4 player game for monsters of all ages! Win on anyone's turn in this family-friendly dice game with light strategy and a cute Halloween theme. 2-4 Players. 10-15 Minutes. (Has currently earned $4,532 of $7,000)	64%	122	$37	07-08	kicktraq
DeepWars - Hunters of the Abyss AntiMatter Games is producing a new resin submersible model for DeepWars as well as new characters and deadly sea creatures. (Has currently earned $11,482 of $8,000)	143%	75	$153	07-08	kicktraq #bling
Light Speed Dice - d6s that roll at the speed of light! These d6s are 19mm and full of space-travel theme! You can engage your hyperdrive and hunt up scum & villainy wherever it's hiding! (Has currently earned $3,573 of $2,000)	178%	150	$24	07-09	kicktraq #dice
ElemenZ - the duelling dice game of alien shamans Prove your mastery of wild cosmic energy in this devious alien dice dueling board game for 2-4 players. (Has currently earned £6,591 of £3,500)	188%	246	£27	07-09	kicktraq

New This Week

Project Info	Status	Backers	Avg Pledge	Ending	Comments
"Dark Future" - 28mm Resin Sci-Fi & Fantasy Scatter Terrain Resin cast 28mm scatter terrain, perfect for Sci-Fi and Fantasy Tabletop games. Great for Warhammer 40k or Mantic's Warpath. (Has currently earned £521 of £500)	104%	10	£52	07-10	#bling
1-48TACTIC fast-paced cinematic WW2 miniature skirmish game! Welcome to the most exciting skirmish game around! Take command of your squad and lead your men in an epic battle for their very life! (Has currently earned €5,804 of €12,400)	46%	73	€80	08-18
10mm Ogre Mammoth Riders from Black Gate Miniatures Great looking old school 10mm Ogre sculpts, cast in the Lead free Pewter. In this phase two release wave, meet the Ogre Mammoth Riders. (Has currently earned £2,893 of £500)	578%	60	£48	07-17	#minis
A "PAY WHAT YOU WANT"- party game: Spy vs Spy vs Spy vs ... In Spy vs Spy vs ... you and 9 of your friends each play a secret agent from a foreign country trying to get the "secret formula". (Has currently earned €62 of €10)	620%	12	€5	07-18
A Place in the Sun “A Place in the Sun” is a PvP/Coop, dial-driven, asymmetric, deck based game about space domination. (Has currently earned €7,062 of €15,000)	47%	176	€40	08-10	#take2
Action News: The Game of Television News Following in the footsteps of history's iconic journalists comes a game inspired by the bombastic showmanship of television news. (Has currently earned $26,614 of $15,000)	177%	530	$50	08-02
Ad Urbem The first tabletop game in history to incorperate a real ancient Roman artifact coin into gameplay! (Has currently earned $444 of $5,000)	8%	16	$28	07-31
Ages of Pirates Printable Tabletop Terrain Print your own terrain for your tabletop Pirate game (Has currently earned €5,883 of €300)	1961%	149	€39	07-25	#bling
Be a super-powered assassin - Era: Hitman, now in Paperback! The much-loved super-powered assassin RPG returns to Kickstarter to bring you a printed Rulebook for the first time! (Has currently earned £713 of £100)	713%	48	£15	07-16
Big Bang 13.7 Create your own universe and line up celestial bodies but watch out! Black holes, Supernovas & others can always distort Space & Time! (Has currently earned €2,302 of €2,000)	115%	72	€32	07-27
Body Builder A card game that is all about that Mass! And your favourite foods locked in an eternal fight against the evil oppressors. Also Mass! (Has currently earned £114 of £10,000)	1%	5	£23	07-30
Boxing King: A card game to play alongside televised boxing Friends over to watch the boxing... Play for the ultimate title and become the Boxing King Champ!! (Has currently earned £20 of £28,000)	0%	1		07-22	#lolwut
Broadsword: A Game of Legendary Heroes and Epic Adventure A high fantasy adventure game of Heroes on an epic Quest, infused with modern design principles and a shiny new veneer. (Has currently earned $1,438 of $1,900)	75%	36	$40	07-26	#rpg?
Coin & Crown An empire-building card game for conquerors and builders from an award-winning designer. 2-4 players, 30-60 minutes, tons of fun. (Has currently earned $10,326 of $9,000)	114%	288	$36	07-18
Dangerous Piggies A very dangerous card game. Not for everyone. (Has currently earned $1,202 of $10,000)	12%	25	$48	07-18
Diabolical Decisions The Game Designed to Destroy Friendship! (Has currently earned $502 of $12,000)	4%	25	$20	07-31	#lolwut
Dice Eater Madness! Need unique boxes for your favorite dice? Need unique fun drink coasters? Then this is the campaign to back!! (Has currently earned MX$4,950 of MX$5,400)	91%	7	MX$707	08-14	#bling
Dice of Rolling A set of 29 color-coded dice, system optimized for the 5th edition of the world's greatest roleplaying game. (Has currently earned $15,555 of $5,000)	311%	638	$24	07-27	#dice
Dimensions: The Arena - An RPG skill-based Card Game Dimensions: The Arena is a collectible card game that you only need to collect one to three cards to play the game. (Has currently earned $560 of $500)	112%	34	$16	07-27
Dragon’s Hoard Comic and Game Café A community focused Comic and Game Cafe poised to be a hub for people to hang out, play games, and enjoy some fantastic drinks. (Has currently earned $53 of $10,000)	0%	4	$13	07-26	#cafe
Ducklings - A Game About Parenting! A heart wrenching co-op game where you must work with a partner to waddle your three fragile ducklings to safety. (Has currently earned $10,614 of $8,000)	132%	177	$60	07-29
Eat Dust: The World's Hottest Card Game - Literally! We have created the world's hottest pepper dust card game that allows you and your friends to feel the burn...if you dare! (Has currently earned $144 of $12,500)	1%	4	$36	07-26	#lolwut
Fly My Hawkmen A new range of Wargames Minis inspired by classic Pulp and Sci-Fi serials (Has currently earned £1,528 of £2,000)	76%	23	£66	07-30	#minis
Four A strategic pocket dual card game.Choose your character and create elements by chain to reach your objective. (Has currently earned €104 of €5,000)	2%	11	€9	07-26
Game Train- Board Game Getaway! Game Train is your board game getaway. Discover the ultimate destination for connecting with friends and family! (Has currently earned $31 of $25,000)	0%	2	$16	07-26	#cafe
GhostWriter London Noir 1800 Edition. Invent your story. The secret of the writing of writers and scriptwriters enclosed in a fun and intriguing game. Ghostwriter. Invent your story. (Has currently earned €109 of €100)	109%	8	€14	07-30
Graphic RPG A modern fantasy roleplaying game emphasizing gritty realism and danger. Hit points are tallied in ounces of blood. (Has currently earned $341 of $8,888)	3%	8	$43	07-27
Harem: An Exotic Card Game A 30 minute card game for 2-4 players. (Has currently earned $166 of $12,000)	1%	7	$24	07-31	#nsfw
Kingdoms of Erden: King of the Mountain Collect faction members and dominate the mountain in this set collection strategy fantasy card game. Ages 10+ 2-4 players 15-45 min (Has currently earned $734 of $1,000)	73%	52	$14	07-27
Legal Cannabis The era of black gold is over. An alternative to oil has existed for centuries: CANNABIS. (Has currently earned $2,112 CAD of $20,000 CAD)	10%	32	$66 CAD	07-27
Love Formula Organize the perfect date for your couple! But matchmakers beware, these blooming relationships are vulnerable to sabotage... (Has currently earned $13,164 of $5,000)	263%	185	$71	07-20
Magic of Legends A co-operative adventure game for 1-4 players with amazingly detailed miniatures, fight for your team in the magic world. (Has currently earned $8,033 of $30,000)	26%	75	$107	08-30
Monkey Spank! The slightly naughty card game. Condoms?! Dildos?! & One Eyed Monsters?! Monkey Spank is the slightly naughty card game...do you Monkey Spank!? (Has currently earned $7,494 of $8,000)	93%	57	$131	08-01	#nsfw
Nebulus - A Space Exploration Board Game A unique space exploration board game wherein players will gather elements, conquer planets, and combat their opponents. (Has currently earned $475 of $26,000)	1%	5	$95	08-01
Politics - Trumpland Expansion Pack (Expansion #3) Introducing the Trumpland Expansion Pack for the game of Politics! Eighteen all-new Action Cards based on the Trump presidency. (Has currently earned $261 of $500)	52%	20	$13	08-01	#expansion base game
Project X: Plutotype Project X: Plutotype is our first design tabletop game, we are so excited to launch on Kickstarter. Let us know if you like it or not. (Has currently earned HK$17,064 of HK$117,000)	14%	32	HK$533	07-30
Short Order Hero Compete as a Short Order Cook to create the most valuable dish in this 2-5 player card game for players 8+! (Has currently earned $1,511 of $4,000)	37%	56	$27	07-26
Sicaliptic Give a boost to your relationship or break the ice with a new lover, Sicaliptic is a fun and erotic card game for two players. (Has currently earned €1,092 of €3,500)	31%	45	€24	07-26	#nsfw
Stone Daze - strategy board game to watch (your head) for Lead a clan of extraordinary cave(wo)men in this 2-4 player co-op game of tactics, raw guts and a little luck. Action packed primal fun (Has currently earned $3,389 of $10,000)	33%	76	$45	07-31
Swords Swords is a fast-paced simultaneous action card game that feels like a multi-person sword fight! (Has currently earned $9,444 of $20,000)	47%	277	$34	07-27
TEDDY X : The Great Bear Returns Strategic space racing board game about bringing TEDDY X on Earth again. Each 8 Teddy X characters has a special skill for traveling. (Has currently earned $1,369 of $38,000)	3%	14	$98	07-26
The Legends Of Fabled Realms The Legends Of Fabled Realms is a tabletop skirmish game set in the fantasy world of The Fabled Realms (Has currently earned £48,153 of £30,000)	160%	276	£174	07-16
The Stonebound Saga A high fantasy themed strategic card game with unit positioning, resource management, and high replay value for 2-6 players. (Has currently earned $31,937 of $35,000)	91%	517	$62	07-28	#take3
Top Secret: New World Order - the espionage roleplaying game Top Secret: New World Order is the all-new tabletop RPG by Merle M. Rasmussen, creator of the first espionage role-playing game in 1980 (Has currently earned $73,179 of $12,000)	609%	1067	$69	07-27	#rpg
Wendake Native American themed strategy game of resource management and land control, with an innovative and unique action building system. (Has currently earned €19,566 of €12,000)	163%	277	€71	07-20
WoundWang A super simple gaming aid. Track wounds and damage on models/units/characters for tabletop and roleplay games. (Has currently earned £1,706 of £1,750)	97%	66	£26	07-30	#bling #lolwut

Looking for more comprehensive Kickstarter gaming information? Check out the meta listings on BGG, explore Kicktraq's data-driven views, or, of course, Kickstater's Tabletop Category.

Footnotes

#hmm means that something about the project seems a little off. Buyer beware kinda thing.
#lolwut is reserved for projects that seem like trainwrecks. Check 'em out for amusement.
#take tags are for projects that have been restarted for some reason, with the number indicating what iteration we're currently on.
Did I miss something? Particularly stuff that might go in the Comments column? Let me know and I'll add it in.

Pariah of the Little People

Important note: This is part three of a trilogy. Part one is here. Part two is here.
The first big lie I discovered was “it gets better”. They tell you that so you’ll keep going, like a carrot dangled in front of a crippled mule. Mom and Dad thought it’d be different at the new school. All new kids, nobody knew me, a chance to start over with a clean slate.
“Don’t worry, they’re all Christians here.” I might’ve figured that out for myself, because as we approached I spied a sizable cross protruding from the top of the building. I felt some amount of guarded optimism then.
I was never exposed to much church type stuff until Mom found religion in a big way upon becoming pregnant with what will soon be my baby brother. So far, all I really know about Christianity is that Mom says it turns bad people into good ones. Sounds like what the world needs more of if you ask me.
When Dad found out there’d be a new mouth to feed, he said he wanted to turn a new page in our lives. That meant moving us all into a new, larger house. One I learned by eavesdropping on their occasional fights that he can’t really afford on top of the baby. He keeps saying he’ll make it work. I don’t see how, but Dad’s a smart guy. He must have some plan I don’t know about.
The next big lie, really just a variant of the first one, is “time heals all wounds”. It doesn’t. There’s a point of diminishing returns past which the pain does not continue to measurably shrink, but it’s small enough that you’re functional. Like a toothache or a splinter, but in your heart.
There are brief, precious periods during which something else distracts me enough that I truly forget it’s there for a while. But when it’s over, it trickles back to the forefront of my mind. Jennifer. “It’s just a crush, you’re too young to really love anybody” Dad told me, imagining that would somehow help. But reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, does not go away.
I still love Jennifer. I’m not supposed to. I know enough about how this sort of thing works to recognize that I should’ve moved on by now. It’s not healthy to linger, but I am powerless to forget. She’s there whenever I close my eyes, in searing detail. Every last strand of golden hair, every little freckle.
She’s there when I dream too. That’s what really hurts. Because there, she loves me. I have no defense against this, as of course I don’t realize I’m dreaming. I would be content to stay there forever, but of course I must eventually awaken. Oblivious, in those first few seconds, to who I am and what’s happened.
But the memories return soon enough. I rocket through the five stages of loss in a matter of seconds. In a very real sense, she leaves me every day. And the pain is as fresh and visceral each morning as it was when it actually happened. If only she’d stay out of my dreams! I am haunted by the living, and see no prospect of escape.
I hang onto things. It’s in my diverse portfolio of character flaws. Uncle Michael once told me a riddle and made me swear not to look up the answer. I was at it for several weeks, thoughts consumed with the matter day in, day out. I finally blurted out the answer one night at the dinner table, having suddenly figured it out while eating.
We pulled into a parking space and I piled out of the car, fully laden book bag straining uncomfortably at my shoulders. “Be on your best behavior” Mom whispered. “When am I not?” In answer, she scowled. Then licked her thumb and used it to wipe some unseen dirt from my face.
How easy to just go and do something to somebody else like that. I’ve never been able to make it clear to her how much of an ordeal even small interactions with another person are for me by comparison. Dad would tell me I’m whining, and that whiners get nothing, quitters get even less. So I endure it quietly as she herds me into the little office.
As I shed my pack, I envision little people easing it to the ground with great complex scaffoldings and cranes. Then moving it along on rollers, teams of twenty or so pulling on each carefully woven miniature rope. “I’ve heard a lot about you from your mother and father, young man!” The grownup addressing me is tall, bespectacled and balding. His every movement, however subtle, is uncannily rigid.
I reluctantly extend my hand towards his. Imagining it is a false wooden hand the little fellows built, extended on my behalf by crank driven scissor jack mechanism. That I might be spared the discomfort.
“Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself and why you’d like to attend our fine school.” I realized he was prompting me and froze. When free to formulate my thoughts, I can readily explain them. But when put in the spotlight… “I...suppose...I’m hoping there will be nice kids here I can make friends with.”
He seemed delighted, though it proved difficult to discern his true feelings as the more I spoke to him, the more I realized he always looks like that. Big smile, immaculate white teeth, eyes wide as though excited about everything. So long as he’s not frowning, I must be doing well.
It’s Russian roulette to try and guess what they want to hear. I used to think it was easier just to speak my mind. I owe many of my worst days to that naive decision, but at the time felt I’d rather be rejected for who I am and what I think than embraced for some carefully cultivated false impression. I didn’t realize then that being able to tell the truth is a luxury I wouldn’t always be able to afford.
“That’s as good a reason as any. And indeed, our students live their lives by the teachings of Jesus Christ, our lord and savior. Whatever troubles you may have had at...secular institutions….” His voice dripped with disdain for a moment. “...Will be but a distant memory, like a half remembered nightmare once you’re settled in here.” Just what I wanted to hear. Which troubled me, as I know what that usually means.
But, not wanting to sour the occasion nor to make enemies before I even started my first class, I mustered as much cheer as I’ve ever been able to. Not really a lie so much as an exaggeration, I told myself. It really did sound like an improvement to hear him tell it. The prospect of a school free of ogres powerfully enticed me.
“There’s just the matter of the statement of faith”. He slid a paper across the desk to me along with a fountain pen. I carefully read it all, then scratched my head. “I dunno if I believe most of this.” His formerly bright, immaculate smile now faded as the corners of his mouth crept downwards. Looking over at my mother, I discovered she too did not expect such a reply. I must’ve really put my foot in it somehow as there were tears in her eyes.
It began to dawn on me then that all of this, the school, the move and so on, was being done to me rather than for me. Nobody ever asked what I wanted, rather the plan had long since been finalized and now I was being wedged into it whether or not I fit. I must’ve appeared lost in thought as the suited fellow once again asked me to explain, in my own words, why it is I want to attend this school.
Deceit is a practical life skill they really ought to teach you early on. It turns out lies make for a powerful social lubricant. I’ve also learned recently that honesty is worse than useless when you’re dealing with people who all but demand that you lie to them. Who often will punish you if you don’t. So I carefully formulated my next sentence, balancing what they wanted to hear with what I could stomach saying.
“I don’t really know what I believe, never thought about that much. All I know is that for most of my life, with only a few exceptions, the world around me and everybody in it has seemed hostile and poisonous. I don’t know where my home is but I’m not a native of this place, I’ve never felt like I belong here. When I seek out people with the power to help, I instead find them aligned against me. I often wish I had an ally, stronger than any of them.”
No reaction was apparent for several seconds, save for his inscrutable, news anchor style empty grin. He simply studied my face, hands arched on the desk before him. Then at once his tone of voice changed. As best I could tell, he was sincerely pleased with my answer.
“That’s good enough for me! Young man, I think you’re in exactly the right place. I’ll save this form for you. If I’m right, before long you will sign it wholeheartedly and with as complete an understanding of why as we can give you.”
With that he folded up the form, tucked it into a manilla folder, then stashed it in his desk. It was a tense ride home, though I couldn’t figure out why. I’d apparently said the right words. Perhaps they knew that’s what I did and were upset? Mom turned back once, eyes still a bit puffy, to remind me that I’d promised to be on my best behavior. Hadn’t I been?
I spent the afternoon as I often do as of late, searching the field and charred remains of the forest for miniature settlements. Finding none, I’d begun to fashion my own. Breaking up twigs to the appropriate size, painstakingly building little chairs, beds, cabins and the like. Hoping I might persuade them to return. Couldn’t imagine what someone might think if they should happen upon me during the act. Probably that I’ve lost it.
The third big lie is “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Like how a broken bone heals to become sturdier than before. Not so with the heart or mind! Asylums and cemetaries are filled with evidence to the contrary.
As I put the finishing touches on another little cabin, my mind helplessly dwelled on memories of Jennifer. Of that single, cherished Summer for which life loaned her to me, only to then snatch her away for good. I am past those desperate, pathetic fantasies that she will somehow return to me one day. If I wait ten, twenty, fifty years for her heart to miraculously change. But I still hurt.
I was never a strong person. Like a damaged spiderweb, a sandcastle or ship in a bottle, even the most skillful repair attempts can’t restore it to exactly how it was. With no option to start over, I could only feebly set about rebuilding the collapsed parts of myself as best I could. A rickety patchwork, barely functional, and liable to be destroyed by a stiff breeze.
My fault of course. Many things are. I’d come out of my shell and finally begun to connect with another human being. To grow around her like a tree grows around a boulder, such that it becomes a critical structural element. A load bearing pillar that, once removed, leaves the tree irreparably weakened and not long for the world.
That hollow space has a very particular shape that nothing else will fit into. However my parents insisted I would heal, I just never improved. What little confidence I’d accumulated until then blew away like the ashes of the burning forest. Maybe that’s why they won’t appear to me now.
Their settlement is still in the lake. When I bike over there at night I can see lights down there, so somebody’s home. The pier is intact, there are occasionally boats or submarines docked, but they don’t come out. I sometimes catch a glimpse of their faces through the submarine portholes or the window of the adjacent shack, waiting patiently for me to leave before resuming work.
During my last visit I found something new next to the pier. A three inch tall statue of me holding aloft the baseball bat, Winston at my side. When I visited Winston’s grave in the remains of the woods, a similar statue stood atop it. So they remember! Perhaps as a legend now? I don’t blame them if they don’t believe in me anymore. Neither do I.
As we pulled into the driveway, Dad told me he wanted help unloading some stuff from the back. I peered over the seat and sure enough there were three crates of what the logo identified as motor oil stacked behind me. “That’s a lot of oil. Do we really need that much?” He lightened up a little, laughing at my apparently foolish question.
“It’s not for us. I’m going to sell it. With your baby brother on the way I took on a second job to pay for all the stuff we’ll need.” Mom beamed at him and cooed about what a hairy chested breadwinner he is. It was terribly heavy and even a single crate was about my limit. Nonetheless I managed to move two out of the three from the garage to the master bedroom without help.
He explained it all to us over dinner. “It was a heck of a bargain, only fifty bucks plus the cost of the oil to get started. I bought a lot because they said to make the big bucks you’ve got to go all in. Dave recruited me, so he gets a small cut of my sales. But I also get a cut from the sales of anybody I recruit. The more people you bring in the more money you make, and everybody gets to be their own boss.”
Mom’s eyes sparkled as she listened. She said it sounded too good to be true, but was plainly already sold on the idea. I wondered aloud why, if it was so ideal, everybody didn’t do it. They both became quiet and Dad frowned at me. “Wait and see, Mr. Negative. They warned me about naysayers, I can deal with that. I don’t wanna have to in my own home though.”
He had me there. I’m hardly an optimist, anyway. Mom told me to head upstairs and load all the additional school supplies she’d recently bought into my already overloaded backpack. I had a lot of fun with it, thinking about the prospect of starting at a whole new school the next day. All too soon! A tornado of butterflies twisted up my stomach. Equal parts excited and apprehensive.
Somehow the butterflies only multiplied overnight. It was tough to keep my cereal down on the drive over. I resolved to have fun, first and foremost. Whatever was different or unfamiliar, I would embrace it. Do as the Romans do! Even try to be the best at it and make some friends along the way. “I learned so much from my old school” I thought, “All I have to do is not make the same mistakes here.”
The principal met me in the parking lot and stiffly escorted me to the cafeteria, where I’d just missed breakfast. No big tragedy to me as I was far too nauseous to eat. He introduced me, the familiar agony gripping my body as all eyes in the room studied me for any flaw however small. I’ve long since learned to always be vigilant for attacks that can come at any time and from any direction.
Then some of them smiled. Briefly, it occurred to me that I might be misreading their intentions. It was only a room full of other students, after all. They looked either friendly or indifferent, none of them menacing as of yet. So I scolded myself for assuming the worst and picked a table to sit down at.
Naturally I picked the one with the prettiest girl. It happened as though on autopilot and I regretted it even as I began to sit, remembering what sort of trouble I’d invited. It turns out I’d gotten well ahead of myself though, as she initially wouldn’t even let me sit there. “Ew” she muttered. “Go sit over there.” She gestured dismissively to a table with no obvious open seats.
“It’s...It’s full up” I whispered. “I don’t mean any disrespect. I’d just like to sit.” She heaved out a disgusted sigh. “Fine, whatever. But don’t look at me.” So I didn’t. It proved difficult, as she really was intensely lovely. A shocking sensation to feel after all this time, in spite of my conviction that I was no longer capable of it.
Scandalous how little control we have over that. The body just picks someone out of the crowd and decides that’s who it wants, wrestling the uncooperative brain into submission using hormones. However you consciously know that it’s a poor choice, the body just indifferently plows ahead until it tumbles over a cliff.
“Don’t mind Heather. She’s like that to everybody. My name’s Tyler.” A very sharply dressed, distressingly skinny boy next to her extended his hand. I took it and shook vigorously, relieved to be welcomed by anyone.
Though he had a crooked nose, his hair was immaculately combed, his teeth sparkled when he smiled and I glimpsed a pink plastic barrette behind one of his ears. “That’s a nice hair clip. Is that a butterfly on it?” He froze and looked panicked. The principle turned to look at us, then came over.
“We talked about this Tyler. You know I’ll have to tell your father.” He plucked the hair clip from the boy’s head and pocketed it. “If you have any more, tell me now.” Tyler’s lip quivered. I couldn’t understand why a piece of plastic was such a big deal. When the principal left, Tyler appeared resentful until I apologized and insisted I didn’t remotely understand what just happened.
“It’s alright, I believe you. That was my favorite though.” He got up looking morose, and took his empty tray up to the counter for washing. Heather snickered. Here for five minutes and I’d already upset someone. A personal record. Keen to make friendly conversation that the incident might be forgotten, I looked around for some clue as to what the popular fads were at this school.
“There’s no Pocket Creatures” I said absentmindedly. The boy next to me, spotty faced and with a patchy mustache beginning to come in, explained that Pocket Creatures are based on evolution. I pretended that explanation made perfect sense to me and, with some sense of what they didn’t like, moved on to ascertaining what they did. Every other student had a Bible open on the table before them.
That was someplace to start. “So, the Bible huh. There’s a lot of stuff about the concept of God that makes me wonder. Like, what is God made out of?” Mustache kid looked at me like I had two heads.
“That’s a silly question” he asserted. Oh, so it’s common knowledge? But when I pressed him for the answer, he clarified that the question itself wasn’t valid. “God’s not made out of anything. God is just God, don’t overthink it.”
How could something not made out of anything exist? It didn’t line up for me. “So wait, how does God receive our prayers if he’s not made out of anything but we are? A prayer is brain activity, our brains are made out of atoms, so-” Mustache kid cut me short, informed me that you simply pray and God hears it, then called me a weirdo.
That seemed to settle the matter for him, but I’d never actually gotten an answer. So it excited me to learn that the next class would involve Bible reading followed by writing a short essay about what we read. Finally, some real answers! We filed into a classroom that a sign on the wall informed me was “core”, the general purpose room most of our classes would be held in.
Before I sat down, the teacher informed me there was “assigned seating”. That explained why everybody paused to study a wall chart on the way in. The concept delighted me as I could see how it would break up the disruptive cliques that otherwise form. But it also meant that should I make any friends, I’d not be able to sit next to them consistently. Fair trade, I concluded.
Once seated according to the chart, I and the other students were instructed to open our Bibles to Genesis. As it was the start of a new school year, she explained for the new students, we’d start with the first book of the Bible and progress through it at the rate of one full reading per year.
I love to read. It’s one of my precious few escapes from monster world. A good book is a kind of nourishment, so the prospect of immersing myself in what looked to be the thickest one I’d read to date tantalized me. At school, no less! We were to remain silent during this period too, a nice respite after the relative bustle of the cafeteria.
However, right away I spotted problems. The narrative laid out an order of the creation of the universe which even I knew to be wrong. The Earth was created before the sun and all other stars in this story, birds before land animals, plants before sea creatures as well a number of other, smaller errors. I raised my hand to ask the teacher about it, but when she came over she just told me to include the questions in my essay.
So I did. Anticipating eventual clarification, not the trip to the principal’s office that I got. I’d turned in my essay nearly an hour ago and was enjoying an interesting history lesson when a teacher’s aid appeared in the doorway and beckoned to me, frowning. Some of the other students looked at me the way they tend to when they know you’re in trouble.
“Would you care to explain what led you to write this?” The principal peered at me over his bifocals as I fidgeted nervously, dwarfed by the swiveling leather chair I sat in. “I dunno. We were told to read as much of the Bible as we could in an hour and write down our thoughts, so I did.” He sighed, then stared expectantly as if I’d been obtuse.
“I agreed to give you a chance here under the assumption that you’d make a sincere effort to grow, spiritually. These answers come from a place of rebellion. A boy your age is in no position to say that the inspired word of God is wrong about anything. I fear your thinking may be backwards.”
I explained that the sun could not have originated after the Earth as planets form by gravity building up discs of captured debris and dust around them which gradually amass into planets. “And has anybody seen this happen?” he pried. I said that in fact they have, and photographs of distant accretion discs taken by space probes could be easily found online. This only further incensed him for some reason.
“What you’re doing is looking at the world through a secular lens which assumes no creator exists. That’s the starting point of the atheistic false scientists who’ve made such a mess of our country.” To me, that seemed to be the conclusion which observation led them to rather than their initial assumption, but I bit my tongue as he continued.
“Instead, use the Bible as your starting point. Look at the world through a Biblical lens, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.” I asked if he meant I should first assume the contents of the Bible are true, then fit everything else I encounter into that framework. He perked up. “Yes, that’s it exactly. But it is not an assumption, it is a fact.” I asked how he knew this, and was instructed to have faith. It was a frustrating non-answer, like the one I’d gotten from that kid in the cafeteria.
When I returned to class I found I’d completely missed the rest of the section on the Roman aqueduct and other crude technologies. It really put me out as the topic fascinates me. I recalled building similar contraptions for the Homunculi settlement. The smile that it brought to my face was swiftly erased by resurgent memories of the forest fire. I suppose sometimes you can’t have the good without the bad.
As I studied the textbook before me, I imagined teams of little fellows swarming all over it, taking notes before cooperating to laboriously turn each page. Some cried out as the falling page draped over them and despite myself, I chuckled. It elicited a strange look from the girl next to me. When I returned my gaze to the book, they were gone.
So instead I peered out the windows. A whole wall was comprised of them, inviting distraction. The field of tall, dry grass waved as a gentle wind tossed it about. On one side, the parking lot. On the other, a playground with a small forest immediately next to it. The only divider was a modest wall of stone blocks perhaps up to my waist, easy enough to surmount.
Something jumped out at me from the corner of my vision. A detail of the field I’d overlooked at first. I looked over it again and again. Until I noticed some strange tangled mass near the center, laying atop the grass. Somebody’s kite? A model airplane, maybe. The teacher’s shrill command to return my attention to the front of the room interrupted my speculation. Oh well, it can wait until recess.
The textbook cover read “A.C.E: Accelerated Christian Education”. Sounds good to me I thought, seeing no downside to learning more quickly than usual. The font looked larger than I’m accustomed to, and each page was replete with cartoon illustrations.
Some took the form of two or three panel comic strips stressing the virtue of obedience. “You cleaned your room so well!” a mother says to her daughter. She replies “Yes, I am glad I obeyed. Obedience makes everyone happy. Can we go to Bible study now?”
A few were pretty abstract by comparison. The one that caught my eye depicted some sort of laughable amalgam of animal parts with a caption that read “The missing link???” What did the artist mean by it? I knew of no such creature proposed by science and couldn’t see how anything remotely like it could fit into established taxonomy.
Other strips depicted conversations between eerily wide eyed children in old fashioned clothing with a sort of forced quality to the dialogue. Not the sort of conversation anybody would ever actually have, but the one the artist wanted to portray for whatever reason.
“Tommy, may I introduce you to my best friend, Jesus?” The other boy excitedly welcomed it without question, though Jesus was not physically present to meet with anybody. There was no punchline and I wondered if the author had forgotten partway through that comics are supposed to be funny.
Another below featured a woman holding a bundle of several protest signs, hair frazzled. Her infant daughter sat at her feet, asking “Mommy, now that you’re liberated, who's going to feed me?” I didn’t get any of ‘em so far, so I gave up on it. The relentless focus on total obedience unsettled me for reasons I could not yet articulate.
“Now at the time”, the teacher explained, “it was falsely believed that the Earth was flat. This is just what the scientists of the day believed. They keep getting it wrong, but still want us to believe them. It was also widely believed by scientists that flies and maggots are spontaneously generated from within meat. This was their theory of how life began, later renamed the theory of evolution.”
None of that seemed right. To my knowledge, science didn’t exist until relatively recently in history unless very loosely defined as “attempts to figure things out”. On top of which I’d recently read a detailed description of a flat Earth covered by the vault of the sky, within which the sun and the moon move about...in the book of Genesis. Somehow I doubted science was to blame for that particular error. But she pressed on.
“Today we are meant to believe that all life originated from rocks. Rocks! That one day, nothing exploded, then pieces of it started circling around each other for no reason. Then lightning struck a slimy puddle on the early Earth and some rocks in it came to life, turning into fish, then frogs, then lizards, then mice, then monkeys. And then us! From goo to you, by way of the zoo!”
Everyone else laughed at the last part but I only sat there staring, intensely disturbed by the spectacle. Either the blind leading the blind, or willful deceit. “This belief that we’re only animals, that man can be his own God and nothing matters, is responsible for every ill in the world today. Before long, if we’re to save this sin cursed nation, Godly men will have to rise up and take control of it back from the secular humanists.”
I’d never heard of secular humanism before then, but based on the tone she took while talking about it, I assumed it must be something like a mixture of leprosy, acid and angry bees. “Besides which, it doesn’t even stand up to the simplest questioning! Like for example, if human beings came from monkeys...then why are there still monkeys?”
More laughing followed. The discontent percolating within me until then finally boiled over. I simply couldn’t sit there listening to lies forever without saying something. “It was apes”. The teacher was the only one to hear me over the laughter.
“Could you speak up?” I hesitated. I don’t do well when under the spotlight. But standing there, wondering whether to continue, I recalled something I once read in a book given to me by my father: “Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes”.
So I did, firmly asserting that humans descended from apes and in fact taxonomically still are apes. Also that we did not come from modern monkeys but rather share a common ancestor with them. “Other primates still exist for the same reason that wolves still exist even though we have dogs now”, I concluded.
Several awkward seconds of silence passed. Basic science was always something Dad made sure I knew alot about, as his Dad also made it a focus when he was my age. It’s why my birthday and Christmas gifts have always tended to be educational. Little model steam engines, telescopes, crystal radio kits, stuff like that. I wondered now if it’d been a mistake.
That’s when I first heard it. A low, experimental chant at first. As if she was testing the water. Heather from lunch, I think. “Monkey boy” she said. “Monkey boy. Monkey boy. Monkey boy.” Other students near her began chanting as well, and it took on a rhythmic quality. “Mon-key-boy! Mon-key-boy! Mon-key-boy! Mon-key-boy!”
I looked around in horror as it spread. Tears welling up despite every effort to hold them back, my worst fear now realized. “MON-KEY-BOY! MON-KEY-BOY! MON-KEY-BOY! MON-KEY-BOY!” Everyone was doing it. Jeering, pointing, laughing at me for being so foolish as to suggest that humans descended from apes.
A sort of mania took hold. Maximum possible humiliation, the likes of which I thought I’d finally escaped by coming here. The frail shadow of confidence I’d painstakingly rebuilt until now burst into a cloud of splinters and dust, as though struck by the shockwave from a nuclear blast. Unable to endure any more of it, I ran from the room, their chant growing fainter behind me with every frantic stride.
Why run? There’s no escape. I should know that by now. Where could I go? I’d eventually grow hungry and have to return home. Mom and Dad would then make me return to school. Anywhere else and the police would be sent to find me, with the same result. My instincts now firmly in the driver’s seat, I went someplace familiar and comfortable.
The woods proved denser and more vast than they appeared from the classroom earlier. Easy enough to get lost in, but that’s exactly what I meant to do. I nearly missed the little hole in the stone wall as I began to climb it. But even in that state, my eye for detail demanded that I look more closely. So, wiping my tears away, I knelt before the wall and scrutinized what I discovered to be a tiny door.
It was of superb craftsmanship that I’d recognize anywhere. And as I looked, I caught a brief glimpse of a worried, suspicious face peering back at me through the inset window. Anybody else would overlook it. Indeed they must’ve, but the question remained how any little people wound up here.
Behind me I saw stirring near the front office, adults talking to one another excitedly and gesturing towards the woods. I could guess what it was about, and wasn’t in the least bit ready to return to that room. To their piercing laughter and chants. So I vaulted over the wall, and was soon deep enough in the woods that I could no longer see the school or the field.
The terror gripping me until then began to subside, replaced by a feeling of relief and momentary safety. I knew anxiety would eventually set in as I contemplated the punishment awaiting me, but just then I felt enveloped by a temporary pocket of protection and calm.
I took the opportunity to survey the damage inside, rifling through the shattered pieces, overwhelmed by the task of fitting them back together. I would never be ready to return, I decided. But I knew I’d have to.
That’s when I saw it dangling between the treetops. An odd little multi-story birdhouse, or something like it, suspended by fishing line strung between the trees. As I searched for more signs of their presence I also noticed finely crafted little doors in the bases of the trees, tucked in among their roots. Falling back on the places they knew to be relatively safe, either above or below the human eyeline.
“I knew you’d come here.” I whirled around ready to fight. But it was only Tyler, so I reluctantly lowered my fists. “Wanna know how?” He didn’t wait for me to guess. “This is also where I used to come to cry until they figured it out. They don’t let you get away. That’s rebellion. They’re not far. If you don’t want to be found yet, follow me.”
I reflected soberly on the fact that I’d just met Tyler that morning. I had very little reason to trust him. But I did hear adult voices approaching and as he extended his hand, smiling warmly, something in his eyes disarmed me. So I took a chance. Scolding myself for it even as we ran through the trees towards the field, wondering at what point he’d suddenly turn on me. But he never did.
The tall grass, which I discovered on the way is replete with praying mantises, concealed our passage into the field where we soon came upon a weeping willow. Its dangling branches proved thick enough to obscure the hollow space behind them, and the tall grass around it compounded this effect such that it made a serviceable hideout.
We parted the willow branches, ducked inside, then shot one another a conspiratorial grin as we listened to the distant sound of adults searching fruitlessly in the woods. I thanked him. “It’s okay. I thought this might happen after the stuff you said at breakfast. But you’ve really gotta be stronger than that if you’re gonna make it here.”
I told him I’d been led to believe this place would be different. He seemed astonished. “Isn’t it much worse at secular schools?” I shook my head. “About the same. This is exactly the sort of thing I used to deal with every day.”
He gave me a knowing look, then took my hand in his as if to comfort me. “It was pretty awful for me early on, until I learned to say what they want and act how I’m supposed to.” The two of us sat there for a while in silent contemplation.
“Hey, I’m gonna duck out for a second.” He advised against it, but I insisted. “Don’t worry, I won’t let them see me. There’s something I have to check.” With that I emerged from the willow tree, surveyed the field and chose the route with the tallest grass. It was circuitous and I had to sweep clinging mantises off my pant legs a few times, but I eventually arrived at the strange wreckage I spotted earlier.
I won’t say I suspected it. But I hoped. And there it lay, the busted up remains of a sky house. Very much like the ones I saw the little folk escape the forest fire with, but with noticeable improvements. For one thing it had a set of four small, flexible solar panels of the sort campers sometimes use radiating from the main body on long, spindly wooden arms.
Now hopelessly broken of course. As I picked through the wreckage I found that they at least salvaged the batteries. The immense deflated remains of the balloon which once held it aloft lay crumpled up to one side. Fire damage to the house itself suggested it was an emergency landing, they must’ve headed for the wall and the woods from here.
That explained why they didn’t bother to bring the surviving solar panels as they’re of no use in a forest anyway. I wished I knew more but didn’t have the time to pick through the remains more thoroughly, so I dragged as much of it as I could carry back to the willow tree.
“Woah! Where’d you find that?” I told him I found it in the middle of the field. While he inspected it and muttered something about craftsmanship, I peered out through the branches to check on the progress of our pursuers. Instead it seemed recess had begun. The other students were playing football in the parking lot, swinging on the swingset, gossiping by the water fountain and so forth.
Surely the adults wouldn’t just give up? Maybe they figured we’d show ourselves eventually if it seemed safe. At any rate, we could hardly live out the rest of our lives under that tree, so after some negotiation we settled on trying to mix in with the other students. At least that way we’d elude punishment until the end of recess.
However, a different sort of punishment awaited us. The chant started back up even before I arrived on the playground, growing louder as I drew near and more of them joined in. “Look who he’s with!” a tall, thin boy with curly red hair called out. “What were you two doing out in the field?” Heather grinned. “I bet I know what they were doing. Tyler, you perv.” Baffling. What could she mean?
“They were doing it in the tree, like monkeys! Monkey boy and Tyler, monkey boy and Tyler, monkey boy and Tyler!” The redheaded boy chimed in. “That’s why they call it faggot-tree.” The playground erupted in raucous laughter and my legs began to weaken. It never takes much. My first day and I’d already ruined things somehow. Through hot, bitter tears I struggled to pinpoint where I’d taken the first wrong turn.
Then something strange happened. Something new. Tyler boldly stood between me and the rest of them, like the lone telephone pole which is not toppled by a hurricane. “Look at yourselves. Are you Christlike? Isn’t it the meek who will inherit the Earth? You’re casting many stones, but are any of you without sin?”
Heather asked how Tyler could lecture them about sin when he likes boys. That’s when I put it together for the first time. Nobody ever explained what fag meant, I’d always taken it for a general purpose insult.
I’m ashamed to say that it sent my mind back to when he held my hand under the willow tree, and I felt mildly uncomfortable. The unfamiliar tends to. But to see Tyler throw himself to the lions for my sake quickly banished that feeling, replaced by tearful gratitude.
“You should let him speak” Heather suggested. “Don’t let a homo fight all his battles. I wanna hear him explain how human beings can come from rocks.” That got my attention, as I’m sure she knew it would. I could never leave that sort of thing alone.
“Nobody ever said we come from rocks. He might be talking about the hypothesis that precursors to organic molecules originated by mineral chemistry. But abiogenesis isn’t the same thing as evolution in the first place.”
Heather looked mildly impressed but the rest just became irritated. “That’s a lot of five dollar words. You think you know everything, don’t you. You think you’re better than everybody else.” I protested that it wasn’t rare knowledge but something anybody could look up on the internet, and advised them to do it when they got home.
“That teacher was lying to you” I insisted. “Saying crazy things and calling it evolution. I don’t know why. There’s a lot I don’t understand about this place. They told me everyone would be kinder here. So far the only one like that is Tyler. I don’t care if he likes boys. I’d trade a thousand of you for one of him.”
Heather laughed. "Would you look at that" she remarked, "the monkey boy has evolved into a monkey man". The rest didn't take it so well, swiftly closing in around us. Tyler put up his fists, likely for the millionth time since he started here. I wonder if that’s how his nose got crooked.
Before it could get any worse, the adults found us. I was seized by the neck and frog marched to the principal’s office, where I had a feeling I’d be spending a lot of time from now on. I didn’t see where they took Tyler.
“Twice in one day. Not promising.” Once again I sank into the swiveling leather chair as the balding, bespectacled principal stared me down with that unflinching smile of his. “I’m told that you defended evolutionism to the other students, and claimed that our faculty is a pack of liars. That’s quite serious, you realize.” I didn’t actually. Searching my memory, I couldn’t see how I’d been in the wrong, so I said as much.
The rest can be read here (Ctrl+F the last sentence to find your place)

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TIL that thanks to gravity, the loaded chamber in Russian roulette is more likely to end up at the bottom. This ends up altering the odds in favor of the player.

[OC] Football's Famous Signature Moves

Part 368 - Inversion

Kickstarter Roundup: June 11, 2017 | 32 Ending Soon (incl: Roll Player Expansion, Manhattan Project 2: Minutes to Midnight, & Legendary Showdown: Presidential Ed) & 54 New This Week (incl: Lords of Hellas, Rise of Tribes, & Archmage)

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Ending Soon

New This Week

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Kickstarter Roundup: July 2, 2017 | 29 Ending Soon (incl: Rise of Tribes, Helionox Deluxe, & Oaxaca) & 46 New This Week (incl: Action News, The Stonebound Saga, & Coin & Crown)

What this is:

Ending Soon

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Pariah of the Little People

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