Casino Dealer Jobs, Employment in Las Vegas, NV

Depressed and anxious
I am new to reddit — I’ve been browsing around for a while now, but I’ve lacked the courage to post anything. I can relate to a lot of what has been posted, and I now feel like it’s time that I share my story:
I grew up in a chaotic household (like I’m sure a lot of you have): my mother was mentally unstable given my father lacked a steady income and was constantly finding and experimenting with entrepreneurial projects that failed to provide our family with any steady source of income. My most vivid memories (when I can actually remember, which is difficult when you have MDD) are my parents fighting constantly about mortgage payments, infidelity on business trips, and lack of extended family support. My parents divorced when I was 12 — I I lived in multiple houses growing up with my mom, and my dad has been in and out of my life ever since, though he’s been more involved these past couple of years (I actually lived on his couch from 25 to 26).
However, fortunately, I was able to push through (or ignore)a lot of these family problems growing up, though I was still considered weird by a lot of people my age. I was an excellent high school student: I graduated with a 4.2 gpa and played two sports in which I was a captain for one them senior year. I went on to an elite private college on the east coast in which I played a varsity sport for 4 years. I had an amazing gf who I loved very much (we were together for 4 years in college, and one year after). I was confident and genuinely believed in myself: I didn’t have a fake belief in myself, but a deep love and care for myself. I graduated with a solid gpa as well as a couple of awards for both sports and academics.
After I graduated, my life spiraled out of control: I became deeply, deeply depressed and started to hate my self, a hatred so deep words cannot describe how I felt. I was stuck at a job that meant nothing to me, and spent my weekends indulging in alcohol and marijuana (my brain doesn’t react well to either of those substances). Each day I started to feel more and more “out of it”, emotionally numb, and dysphoric: I felt nothing, there was nothing to live for, and I stopped enjoying everything that used to bring me meaning and joy. I quit my job after 7 months, and I moved back home, leaving behind everything that I worked hard for: a job, friends that respected me, and a loving gf.
After moving back, I was EXTREMELY heart broken after leaving my ex: I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to be the rock and support system for her anymore, I couldn’t understand why I felt so emotionally numb, and I couldn’t understand why there wasn’t any intimacy or passion in the sex or relationship anymore. I started to question my entire existence and identity, and I fell into the darkest depression a person could fall into: I literally questioned everything — I didn’t know my name, my gender, where I was born, my sexual orientation. Nothing felt real — I couldn’t tell real memories from fake memories. I had no sense of self which was slowly destroying me.
Fast forward a year - I was living at home, unemployed and miserable. I ended up taking the GRE and applied to a graduate program at an Ivy League school. Got in, did that, but I still hated my self the whole time (depression, dysphoria, anxiety) it was just that I was able to hide it and distract myself in academics.
After getting my grad degree, I moved home, and I failed to keep in contact with everyone I met in school. Again, the cycle continued: depressed, dysphoric, unemployed, anxious, living at home, and lonely. I couldn’t figure out how to hold on to a job or even find one; I just wanted to go back to school again for the third time, take out more loans, and become further in debt. I stopped caring completely, about everything.
I started to watch porn, have sex with random girls to boost my self esteem (it never did) and drink heavily, and I also got into COCAINE, which completely destroyed me: I felt worthless and lost before, oh boy did cocaine just absolutely fuck me up. My delusions and dysphoria started to worsen: my life goal was to become a cocaine dealer in Mexico (started looking at plane tickets) or a lady boy in Thailand. My entire sex drive was in ruins: I had nothing solid to hold onto, again, a very fragile self image around who I was as human being with very intense dysphoria. For example, I would have repeated videos in my brain of being raped over and over again: I genuinely believed I was a victim of childhood rape, but there is no evidence of that. I went on a cocaine and alcohol binge one night, and the only thing I remember is the next morning being driven to the emergency room: I had gotten the shit beat out of me at the bar, been handcuffed by the cops, driven home by them, and started threatening to kill myself as well as my entire family. At the emergency room, I had an insanely high blood alcohol content as well as cocaine in my system (even the day after). I talked to the social workepsychologist there, and he determined that I was suicidal and delusional, so he put me in the schizophrenic unit of the psych ward for three days, but after the first day I was moved to the major depression and anxiety unit as they believed that was a better fit.
I got out after 4 or 5 days, and I went to see a mental health professional voluntarily for the first time since I was a child: I saw a psychologist when I was young, but that was it. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features, and I was prescribed Abilify and Lexapro. I had been taking both for about a year and a half; however, I went cold turkey on the Lexapro two or three weeks ago and tapered off the Abilify myself a month and a half ago: I just couldn’t stand the weight gain ( I probably gained 50 lbs) and it really didn’t make me feel at peace with myself, it was a bandaid, and I genuinely knew that from the bottom of my heart.
Moved back to the Ivy League town where I graduated from, and I was able to find a job doing consulting work (think about one of those jobs that only rich connected people get); but I quit after 8 months because I wanted to become a professional poker player. I moved to Las Vegas, got an apartment, and started playing at the casinos. Covid happened, I lost my money, and moved back home again. Again, cycle repeats itself.
I recently found a job in another state doing bullshit office work: think Dilbert or Office Space. But, I have come to terms with it, and I’m doing my best to find joy in the little things. I have completely quit alcohol: it’s not even an option. I’m done with it, forever. Drugs and alcohol absolutely crush me.
I still have intense bouts of crippling depression and anxiety attacks which I’ve come to realize are fueled by my inability to understand who I am or hold onto any sort of solid self image of myself at the deepest level: this prevents me from seeking out genuine relationships with other people, whether that be friends or a significant other. I am still questioning all aspects of my self: Am I straight or gay? Am I male or female? Where am I from? What is my name? Who are my family members? Memories don’t seem real, nothing seems real anymore. It’s wearing me down, and I can’t imagine that a person could go through so much pain and still exist. It’s a miracle.
I’m seeing a new psychiatrist, and I am hopeful he will help. I’ve been stable before, relatively content and at peace with myself; I am hoping to get back to that place again. I can’t give up.
Thanks for reading.
I left some stuff out, but that’s pretty much the gist of it. Would love to hear some feedback or stories you have. Let me know if you can relate to any parts of my experience.

Depressed and anxious
I am new to reddit — I’ve been browsing around for a while now, but I’ve lacked the courage to post anything. I can relate to a lot of what has been posted, and I now feel like it’s time that I share my story:
I grew up in a chaotic household (like I’m sure a lot of you have): my mother was mentally unstable given my father lacked a steady income and was constantly finding and experimenting with entrepreneurial projects that failed to provide our family with any steady source of income. My most vivid memories (when I can actually remember, which is difficult when you have MDD) are my parents fighting constantly about mortgage payments, infidelity on business trips, and lack of extended family support. My parents divorced when I was 12 — I I lived in multiple houses growing up with my mom, and my dad has been in and out of my life ever since, though he’s been more involved these past couple of years (I actually lived on his couch from 25 to 26).
However, fortunately, I was able to push through (or ignore)a lot of these family problems growing up, though I was still considered weird by a lot of people my age. I was an excellent high school student: I graduated with a 4.2 gpa and played two sports in which I was a captain for one them senior year. I went on to an elite private college on the east coast in which I played a varsity sport for 4 years. I had an amazing gf who I loved very much (we were together for 4 years in college, and one year after). I was confident and genuinely believed in myself: I didn’t have a fake belief in myself, but a deep love and care for myself. I graduated with a solid gpa as well as a couple of awards for both sports and academics.
After I graduated, my life spiraled out of control: I became deeply, deeply depressed and started to hate my self, a hatred so deep words cannot describe how I felt. I was stuck at a job that meant nothing to me, and spent my weekends indulging in alcohol and marijuana (my brain doesn’t react well to either of those substances). Each day I started to feel more and more “out of it”, emotionally numb, and dysphoric: I felt nothing, there was nothing to live for, and I stopped enjoying everything that used to bring me meaning and joy. I quit my job after 7 months, and I moved back home, leaving behind everything that I worked hard for: a job, friends that respected me, and a loving gf.
After moving back, I was EXTREMELY heart broken after leaving my ex: I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to be the rock and support system for her anymore, I couldn’t understand why I felt so emotionally numb, and I couldn’t understand why there wasn’t any intimacy or passion in the sex or relationship anymore. I started to question my entire existence and identity, and I fell into the darkest depression a person could fall into: I literally questioned everything — I didn’t know my name, my gender, where I was born, my sexual orientation. Nothing felt real — I couldn’t tell real memories from fake memories. I had no sense of self which was slowly destroying me.
Fast forward a year - I was living at home, unemployed and miserable. I ended up taking the GRE and applied to a graduate program at an Ivy League school. Got in, did that, but I still hated my self the whole time (depression, dysphoria, anxiety) it was just that I was able to hide it and distract myself in academics.
After getting my grad degree, I moved home, and I failed to keep in contact with everyone I met in school. Again, the cycle continued: depressed, dysphoric, unemployed, anxious, living at home, and lonely. I couldn’t figure out how to hold on to a job or even find one; I just wanted to go back to school again for the third time, take out more loans, and become further in debt. I stopped caring completely, about everything.
I started to watch porn, have sex with random girls to boost my self esteem (it never did) and drink heavily, and I also got into COCAINE, which completely destroyed me: I felt worthless and lost before, oh boy did cocaine just absolutely fuck me up. My delusions and dysphoria started to worsen: my life goal was to become a cocaine dealer in Mexico (started looking at plane tickets) or a lady boy in Thailand. My entire sex drive was in ruins: I had nothing solid to hold onto, again, a very fragile self image around who I was as human being with very intense dysphoria. For example, I would have repeated videos in my brain of being raped over and over again: I genuinely believed I was a victim of childhood rape, but there is no evidence of that. I went on a cocaine and alcohol binge one night, and the only thing I remember is the next morning being driven to the emergency room: I had gotten the shit beat out of me at the bar, been handcuffed by the cops, driven home by them, and started threatening to kill myself as well as my entire family. At the emergency room, I had an insanely high blood alcohol content as well as cocaine in my system (even the day after). I talked to the social workepsychologist there, and he determined that I was suicidal and delusional, so he put me in the schizophrenic unit of the psych ward for three days, but after the first day I was moved to the major depression and anxiety unit as they believed that was a better fit.
I got out after 4 or 5 days, and I went to see a mental health professional voluntarily for the first time since I was a child: I saw a psychologist when I was young, but that was it. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features, and I was prescribed Abilify and Lexapro. I had been taking both for about a year and a half; however, I went cold turkey on the Lexapro two or three weeks ago and tapered off the Abilify myself a month and a half ago: I just couldn’t stand the weight gain ( I probably gained 50 lbs) and it really didn’t make me feel at peace with myself, it was a bandaid, and I genuinely knew that from the bottom of my heart.
Moved back to the Ivy League town where I graduated from, and I was able to find a job doing consulting work (think about one of those jobs that only rich connected people get); but I quit after 8 months because I wanted to become a professional poker player. I moved to Las Vegas, got an apartment, and started playing at the casinos. Covid happened, I lost my money, and moved back home again. Again, cycle repeats itself.
I recently found a job in another state doing bullshit office work: think Dilbert or Office Space. But, I have come to terms with it, and I’m doing my best to find joy in the little things. I have completely quit alcohol: it’s not even an option. I’m done with it, forever. Drugs and alcohol absolutely crush me.
I still have intense bouts of crippling depression and anxiety attacks which I’ve come to realize are fueled by my inability to understand who I am or hold onto any sort of solid self image of myself at the deepest level: this prevents me from seeking out genuine relationships with other people, whether that be friends or a significant other. I am still questioning all aspects of my self: Am I straight or gay? Am I male or female? Where am I from? What is my name? Who are my family members? Memories don’t seem real, nothing seems real anymore. It’s wearing me down, and I can’t imagine that a person could go through so much pain and still exist. It’s a miracle.
I’m seeing a new psychiatrist, and I am hopeful he will help. I’ve been stable before, relatively content and at peace with myself; I am hoping to get back to that place again. I can’t give up.
Thanks for reading.
I left some stuff out, but that’s pretty much the gist of it. Would love to hear some feedback or stories you have. Let me know if you can relate to any parts of my experience.

Right after Winners at War, we are kicking off the endgame with our last newbie season, which takes place in Greece, just like the first season. 18 new castaways will face off, and there will be a returning twist, the Edge of Extinction, but this time, there will be no returnees. It will be just 18 castaways forced to battle the elements and each other, with minimal twists other than the EOE, and the fire making challenge. Without further ado, we will see who will be competing on this season!
Fotia (Greek for Fire) Tribe:
Ava Vasquez, 59, Kindergarten Teacher, u/TDSwaggyBoy
Mother of two, grandmother of seven, Ava is a very kind individual. She made it her goal to help her children in any way, shape or form she could, wanting to give those she loves the best life possible. Even to the point of prioritizing their well being over her own. She always wanted to make a difference, and eventually became a kindergarten teacher in order to help make the years of said toddlers the best she could. Ava still remembers her kindergarten teacher, a kind and warm individual, and she hopes to be seen the same way as her.
Darleen Rojas, 38, Retail Manager, u/Ripecornball60
Darleen was the popular girl in school when she was young. She was a pageant queen, and planned to be a model when she was older. She got through the rigorous casting process to become a model, but sadly fell short at the final call, where she found out she had breast cancer. Going through Chemotherapy was a life changing experience. She lost her hair, her passion, and her job opportunity. She worked at a Retail store for 3 years, until she had a flirt with the manager. He promised her the store in exchange for her "assets". She accepted the offer, and Darleen became the store manager. The previous manager and her dated for 3 more months, until the worst happened. She found him cheating on her. This caused her to break up with him, and kick him out of working for her. Trying to fill his hole in her heart, Darleen used an abandoned break room in her store, and transformed it into a nightclub club she calls the "Hidey Hole". There, she has 1 night stands with women and men alike. She is out here due to one of her "clients" saying someone as manipulative as her could win.
Ellie Ruchkin, 24, Bowling Alley Worker, u/Jckboy100
Ellie is a super nice girl, to almost everyone... however, if you do anything to cross her, she won't forget it. Growing up as an only child made her learn how to entertain herself, and learn how to take care of herself when her parents weren't around. She wants to play this game to see if she has what it takes to win the title and check that comes along with it.
Erik LeFort, 34, Writer, u/Gemini_B
Erik grew up in a typical family. At a fairly young age he realized he was gay, but was luck that his family supported him. That, alongside with supportive friends helping him overcome the few bullies he faced, he wants to be a beacon of hope for gay people everywhere and want's to show what a loving family can do. Despite his want to help others though, he's not afraid to play dirty if it get's him further in the game.
Ethan "EJ" James, 20, College Student, u/JTsidol
Ethan was always struggling In life, that never allowed him to do anything, his dad was extremely angry at him, after his mother died at birth, blaming the death on him, when he was 7 he began abusing him, until at 17 he ran away, now he‘s studying hard to finish college, and he hopes he can get the money to help him study and have a better life.
Kim Juri, 35, Poker Dealer, u/Gemini_B
Kim Juri grew up with a fairly poor family and at a young age secretly turned to gambling to support her family. She got very good and became a poker dealer at a casino. She wants to destroy this game because she knows how to lie, cheat and play dirty. She's here to win, and nothing will stop her.
Krista Ayers, 34, Unemployed, u/breadon17
Krista is a single mom of four, so life isn't very easy for her. She can't find a job and she has an abusive boyfriend who is trying to take everything she knows and loves. She applied for Survivor so that she could get the money she needs to survive and feed her kids.
Kyle Simmonds, 26, Poker Player, u/asiansurvivorfan
Kyle was raised in a very divided home with his parents constantly fighting, and his Dad being an alcoholic. This caused him to start taking part in things he shouldn’t be taking part in like gangs, drug, theft, etc. When he was 20, everything changed for him when his friend signed him up for a local poker tournament. He was reluctant at first, but decided to give it a shot. He surprised everyone including himself at that tournament, as he completely dominated and won. This really gave him the boost he needed in life as he proceeded to continue his success by winning more tournaments and at a higher level too. He plans on handling the game like a poker match and wants to bring all his cards to the table.
Vaso Dragovic, 45, Journalist/Former Yugoslav Soldier, u/Twig7665
Vaso was born in Serbia, which was in the once prosperous country of Yugoslavia in the mid 1970s. He lived a normal life up until his teen years, where he watched the country he once knew as a dream turn into a nightmare. The country became a war-torn hellscape, and he was forced to join the military at the young age of 16. He witnessed countless atrocities, and to escape the war, he had to smuggle himself onto a boat bound for the United States in 1996. With no food, no money, and no shelter, he joined a gang to get himself what he needed to survive. After over a year of selling drugs and being in a gang, he left it and went to go live in a rehab facility until he was was 29, in 2004. He then began work to try and fit back into society. He now works as a journalist for a news company. He signed up for the show to see if he has the skills to win it.
Pouli (Greek for Bird) Tribe:
Alfred "Void" Vallentino, 28, Magician, u/swoldow
Alfred grew up on the streets of Las Vegas in poverty, with both of his parents as struggling actors. To make a few extra dimes, he started to teach himself basic magic to perform on the streets and sometimes skipped school to make more money. He was extremely bullied at school for his passion and lack of money, which led him to be socially isolated from everyone else. He grew more attached to his magic, as he kept working harder and harder until a famous magician with a Vegas show caught wind of his act, and let Alfred open for him. Since then, Alfred has rose to the top of the food chain, and began to experiment with his suspenseful acts to make the audience feel all sorts of emotion.
Katrina MacQuoid, 58, Prosthodontist, u/Gemini_B
Katrina’s parents we’re performers in Kentucky. They lived and breathed theater and expected their daughter to be the same. Though Katrina loved being the center of attention, and still does, she never loved the stage the way her parents did. Her parents wanted her to continue to pursue something arts related, and she became an advertising adjective, but never felt satisfied. When she learned that Kentucky was looking for jobs in the dental field, she felt it would be a perfect field to enter. She always found teeth interesting, I mean, are they bones? But they fall out? So weird. She returned to school at age 35 and became a Prosthodontist at age 43. She’s worked as a Prosthodontist since then and (While not at the level of Peter) has a firm understanding of the most important hole in the human body, the mouth. While she’s liked by many people because of her fun personality, she has trouble forming 1 on 1 bonds and has never found the special one. As a child she often got in trouble for anger issues with her parents, so she began to hold in her anger and let it out in huge, uncontrollable fits when her parents weren't around. This holding in of anger until she can’t contain it is a habit she continues to have, blaming her rages on “Hurricane Katrina” as a sort of justification of her actions. She’s never left Kentucky and while she’s very book smart, she can often be very ignorant on other subjects.
Lila Herring, 21, Secretary, u/AngolanDesert
Lila is a very competitive spirit. She always wants to challenge herself and see how far can she can make it. When she saw that survivor auditions were going out, she knew she could win and provide for her poor family.
Lukas Reed, 24, College Student, u/Jck100
Lukas Reed is a shy, humble young man. Coming from a devastating childhood with the loss of his young sister, him and his dad suffered hard. This shaped him into the man he is today, coasting through college, now he wanted something to step out of his comfort zone and try out this highly social game, and see how he can do.
Luther Dane, 32, Fisherman, u/Twig7665
No one knows much about Luther, due to his tendency to keep everything he knows a secret, and it causes people to see him as a strange loner, a title he does not mind. He was in a car accident in his teen years that killed everyone in the car but him, and he began to think of himself as an untouchable person, someone who could survive almost anything. This caused him to grow reckless when he's not fishing, and made several poor choices in his twenties, including messing with police, which caused him to be sent to jail for several months for interfering with a cop's duty. Now out of prison, he continues to be reckless, but stayed away from police this time. Will his reckless personality help or hinder his journey on Survivor? Only time will tell.
Madyson "Maddie" Anderson, 25, Nurse, u/JTsidol
She’s lived a normal life, she wants some fun, she’s single, hoping that she can get a showmance to lower her target, then strike at the right time.
Marshall Keaton, 28, Marine Biologist, u/TDSwaggyBoy
Marshall was born to a loving family of five, being the oldest of three kids. His father, Dominic, always expected Marshall to follow in the family's footsteps and become a lawyer, just like his old pops. At a young age, Marshall never seemed to agree with his father's plan - being a lawyer is so boring, bro! He went through the entire process, getting accepted to law school, only to then drop out.
Marshall and his father got into a massive argument about it, and Marshall ended up leaving his home afterwards. They are still not on speaking terms.
Marshall then studied to become a marine biologist, as he always found sea creatures to be fascinating.
Now with a girlfriend of 2 years, Marshall hopes to win the money for the both of them. He's got this, yo!
Nolan "NK" Kristoffson, 19, Drummer, u/Twig7665
Nolan was born the younger of twins to a large, fairly poor farming family. He was the youngest, and he resented most of his family. He saw his twin Matt as the antithesis of himself, and while he was able to go to college because of a football scholarship, Nolan had to drop out and help out at the farm. He finally had enough at the age of 18, and told his parents about him wanting to become a drummer, and his parents kicked him out, so he lived at his friend's house for the past year. They were able to get him a drumkit, and they formed a garage band. Inspired by his hard life being constantly outshined by his brother, he wrote angry, edgy lyrics, and they started performing gigs. He shortened his name to just his initials, and now drums for a living. He is playing King's Survivor to finally outshine his perfect twin brother.
Ximena Verez, 22, Fencer, u/asiansurvivorfan
Ximena grew up poor and therefore had to start earning money at an early age by delivering stock. On one of her trips, she was kidnapped and abducted by a group of men that worked for a wanted druglord and rapist. She along with her 3 fellow captives were beaten, abused, and raped for 4 years missing and undetected. After years of mistreatment, Ximena and the other captives were finally found and released. Although it was reliving to be free again, she was deeply traumatized by everything her captor did to her and had an extremely tough time trying to adapt to the real world again. She decided to seek help and was sent to a rehab facility where she got help relieve her trauma. One of the things she picked up was the martial arts which eventually developed into an interest in fencing. Despite it being a male dominated sport, Ximena was adamant on showing young girls they can accomplish anything no matter the hardships they’ve gone through. After her time in rehab, she managed to recover and now spends her time competing in championships all around the world. She came to be a voice for domestic abuse victims.
Link to Season
Episode 1: The eighteen new contestants are shipped into Greece, where they learn of the return of the Edge of Extinction, from the season of the same name. They are then split into their two tribes: the green Fotia tribe, which means "Fire" in Greek, and the orange Pouli tribe, which means "Bird". Ava, Darleen, Ellie, Erik, EJ, Kim, Krista, Kyle, and Vaso draw green buffs, and Void, Katrina, Lila, Lukas, Luther, Maddie, Marshall, NK, and Ximena's buffs are orange. They are then instructed to get as much stuff off the boat as they can, and Krista finds the advantage menu, which can give the user either a reward steal, an extra vote, or an idol. At Fotia, EJ tries to be a mafioso, so he bonds with Ava, and forms an alliance with Darleen and Kim. At Pouli, NK and Void bond very well over being outcasts, and they pull in Lila, Luther, Maddie, Marshall, and Ximena to form "The Outcast Alliance". The Fotia tribe wins the first immunity challenge of the season, forcing the Pouli tribe to vote someone off. Wanting to cut off the weak links as quickly as possible, NK suggests to get rid of Katrina, but Ximena gets the idea to split the votes in case one of them had the idol, and Void individually talks to both Katrina and Lukas to get them to vote each other, and also try to get one of them to play their idol, but neither of them have the idol, so at tribal council, Katrina becomes the first person sent to the Edge in a 5-4 vote.
Episode 2: Lukas tries to figure out who voted for him, so he tries to ask around his tribe, but does not get an answer and likely only angers his tribe. Void finds the hidden immunity idol so Lukas wouldn't, and he shows it to Maddie to make sure she's loyal to him. At Fotia, Ava and Ellie get into a bit of an argument, and EJ tries to get Ellie onto his side by talking to her. Vaso tries doing the same thing with Ava. Ava and Darleen form an alliance, as Darleen wanted to get her own numbers so she could topple EJ sooner rather than later. Once again, the Fotia tribe wins immunity, and the whole Pouli tribe is ready to vote out Lukas, since he's the only outsider and he has already proven himself to want to play way too hard, so Lukas is voted out 7-1.
Episode 3: After Lukas' vote out, the Outcasts must turn on one another, and the lowest in the pecking order was Maddie. At Fotia, people start to see Krista as an easy target, so both Erik and Ellie form fake alliances with her. Kim also leaves her alliance with Darleen and EJ after having a fight with the latter. Vaso, not trusting anyone, looks for and finds the idol. Pouli wins their first challenge of the season, winning the reward, but their winning streak is cut short before it even began, as the Fotia tribe wins immunity for the third time in a row. Maddie tries to manipulate Marshall into flipping from his side, to hopefully bring a few others with him, but Marshall stays loyal to the majority. Maddie becomes the third person voted out in a 6-1 vote, getting sent to the Edge.
Episode 4: When the tribes meet up again, a tribe swap is announced, and the purple Telikos tribe, which means "final" in Greek, is introduced. The Fotia tribe consists of four former Fotias- Ava, Ellie, Erik, and Kyle, and one Pouli- Marshall. On Pouli is three Fotias- EJ, Krista, and Vaso, and two Poulis- Lila and Luther. Finally, on Telikos is two Fotias- Darleen and Kim, and three Poulis- Void, NK, and Ximena. At Fotia, both Ellie and Kyle bond, and the two of them decide to form an alliance and pull in Erik. At Pouli, Krista makes it clear to Lila that she's going to flip, given how EJ had been controlling the Fotia tribe since the start of the game. This causes Lila to see Krista as a bit of a loose cannon, so she keeps an eye on her. At Telikos, Darleen finds the idol, and she keeps down about it, knowing that she's in the minority. NK impresses his team with his leadership, and he also bonds with Ximena. Pouli loses the immunity challenge again, which lowers morale significantly for them. When they get back to camp, Vaso decides on a whim to flip from his old alliance, seeing as he's not gonna vote in the majority if he doesn't. The new target is the mafioso himself, EJ. He tries talking to each of the tribe members individually to try and get them to vote Lila out, who has kind of became the punching bag of the season, but it doesn't succeed, and EJ becomes the fourth person voted out in a 4-1 vote.
Episode 5: Knowing that they are unified, the Pouli tribe are at peace-for now. At the Edge, Lukas finds a way to practice for the Edge challenge, which he finds very useful. Maddie also finds an extra vote that she could give to someone, but they won't be able to use it because reasons. At Telikos, Void and Kim bond over being from Vegas, and a new alliance is formed, with Darleen and Ximena, leaving NK on the outs of the tribe. At Fotia, Erik and Kyle bond strongly, and Ellie tries to get Marshall on her side to take out Ava if they were to lose, since she was the weakest in the tribe. Pouli loses the reward challenge, but Fotia loses the immunity challenge for the first time in the season. Marshall becomes torn between going with the majority and putting himself on the bottom or voting against the majority and still being on the bottom. Ultimately, he decides to go with the majority, thinking Ava didn't have the idol, which is true, she didn't. She becomes the fifth person voted out in a 4-1 vote. Back at camp, Ellie and Erik solidify their alliance by forming a final two deal. They think that since the last season they saw before they left was Blood Vs Water 3, which had a final two. On the Edge, Katrina finds an advantage to penalize who she thinks has the best chance at returning to the game. At Pouli, Vaso and Krista decide they need to stick together because they two Poulis were gonna get them one after the other if they didn't stick together. Lila becomes seen as an even bigger threat than she used to be, and Krista and Vaso try to pull Luther aside to try to convince him to flip on his alliance. He refuses to in secret. Fotia continues their losing streak by losing the reward challenge, but since the host announced that two tribes will be going to tribal council in a joint tribal council, Fotia fights tooth and nail to win the challenge, and they are able to succeed. The whole Telikos tribe decides that Krista is too much of a loose cannon to make it to the merge. Vaso and Krista target Lila, and Luther and Lila target Krista for being weaker than Vaso, as they don't know when the merge will occur. At tribal council, Krista is blindsided 7-2 and is sent to the edge.
Episode 6: The merge is announced. The 12 remaining contestants watch the first six castaways to be voted out compete in a challenge to return to the game, which Maddie wins despite being penalized by Katrina. Krista then raises her flag to leave the game, leaving the game first. The people who formed the Thymamai tribe, which means "remember" in Greek, are Void, Darleen, Ellie, Erik, Kim, Kyle, Lila, Luther, Maddie, Marshall, NK, Vaso, and Ximena. Luther decides to go rogue from his six person alliance, leaving them in a severe minority. Maddie tries to get a good relationship with Marshall again, and it works, but it causes most of the tribe to turn on her again. Lila finds the merge tribe idol, and like many before her, she keeps quiet because she does not want to attract more attention. Erik wins the immunity challenge, and when talking to others about the vote, he finds most people are content with just sending Maddie right back to the Edge. Maddie tries to target Kim, but does not succeed as she is voted out 12-1 and is sent back to the Edge.
Episode 7: After Maddie's blindside, cracks begin to form in the final twelve. While Erik tries to remain humble after his immunity win, which he succeeds in doing, soon people start to throw out names like there's no tomorrow. NK throws out Kim's name, Ximena throws out Kyle's, Darleen does the same with NK, and Kyle throws Marshall under the bus. At the first post-merge reward challenge of the season, a group of Void, Erik, Kim, Luther, Marshall, and Ximena win, and they get Chinese takeout. Darleen wins immunity, saving her from going to the edge for one more vote. The two biggest threats at the moment for the people still in the game were Kim and Kyle, because most people believed there was some sort of poker alliance going on between the two. As it turns out, there was a sort of alliance going on there, so the ten people who weren't in it decided to split the votes between Kyle and Kim, with seven votes on Kyle, who was much more physically strong than Kim, and three votes on Kim. Kim figures out this plan, and tells Kyle to play his idol if he has one, which he does not. Kyle votes for Marshall, and Kim votes for NK, leading to Kyle getting voted out 7-3-1-1. He chooses to stick around at the Edge.
Episode 8:Erik and Ellie get into a fight for whatever reason, and their alliance becomes no more. Ximena and Vaso both decide to help out with the tribe, causing their standing within the tribe to get better. Darleen tries making her relationship closer with Luther, wanting to have a good social game so she doesn't end up as a goat. Erik wins immunity for a second time, cementing his status as a challenge threat (which is really odd, since his challenge stats are on the lower side). People finally begin to catch on to how physically strong Vaso is, so a group of four, led by Void, consisting of him, Darleen, Kim, and Ximena, while another group of four, Vaso, Erik, Ellie, and Luther, vote for Lila, seeing her as an easy target. The rest, deciding that Kim would be better off on the Edge, vote for her. Both Vaso and Lila play their idols, and Kim is the ninth person sent packing in a 3-0-0 vote.
Episode 9: After Kim's vote out, Void, Ximena, and Darleen strengthen their trio to try and have a better shot at making it to the end. Void and Darleen also form a new alliance with Ellie, Erik, and Luther to give themselves the majority of the tribe. Marshall and NK start to form a bromance, and Darleen wins immunity again. Erik and his alliance plot to get rid of Lila, due to her status as an all-around threat and the fact that she could easily win with her story in the game. Void also tries unsuccessfully to get Vaso on board, he instead gets into a fight with Ximena and really hurts his standing in the tribe, causing him to gain enemies in Ximena, Lila, Marshall, and NK. He is saved when the majority, thinking that Lila happened to be the bigger threat, vote her out instead in a 5-4-1 vote. Back at camp, Darleen bonds with Ximena, and it causes Ximena to make the reckless decision to flip from her alliance and try to join Void and Darleen's. Still, she had a dislike for Luther that she could not shake. When Vaso wins immunity, she becomes the main target. Still not giving up, she talks to her rival Vaso to try and get him to help her vote out Marshall, which he agrees to do. Still, it is not enough, and Ximena becomes the eleventh person voted out in a 7-2 vote.
Episode 10: After Ximena's vote out, only eight remain in the game. They compete in a reward challenge, which Void, Darleen, Erik, and NK win. Seeing as Vaso and Marshall were more physically threatening than NK was, despite NK winning a reward challenge. After Erik wins immunity for the third time, he tries to get everyone to vote Marshall out. When Luther later bonds with Marshall, he feels remorse for doing so, but knows it must be done. Void is not told about the plan to blindside Marshall, and he thinks that Vaso is the person being voted out, as does NK. Nk also finds the idol. At tribal council, Marshall is voted out in a 5-3 vote, and for the first time in the season, Void was on the wrong side of the vote.
Episode 11: Luther shows everyone he can win challenges and wins the reward challenge. Then, Luther brings along Void and Darleen as to show that he is playing a loyal game and he can be trusted. When they get back, Luther does some damage control with Erik for not picking him, and they get back on good terms, and also have a stronger bond than before. Vaso tries to get people on his side to blindside someone that he didn't like, so he talks to NK first, and when it didn't work, he starts targeting him, but also talks to Erik. This conversation goes down a lot better, and it helps him convince Erik to go after NK. Erik then talks to Luther and Darleen about the plan to similar success. Void, Ellie, and NK himself decide that Vaso needs to go, and NK reveals to Void his idol. Erik wins immunity for the fourth time. At tribal council, NK plays his idol, and Vaso is sent to the Edge in a 3-0 vote.
Episode 12: After Vaso arrives at the Edge of Extinction, they receive letters they wrote to themselves before the game. Back in the actual game, NK wins a reward challenge, and he chooses too bring along Void and Erik, to try and get some allies, since he was almost voted out at the last tribal council. Unfortunately, only Void is willing to help NK, as Erik was closer to Ellie and Darleen. The Ellie/NK alliance dissolves after NK gets into an argument with her, and he loses another ally. Things get dire when he loses the immunity challenge to Void, leaving his only option, to find an idol. He does not find one, and he knows that he's most likely going at that point. NK tries to vote for Darleen, and Void throws a vote onto Ellie due to being too close to Darleen. In the end, NK becomes the final person sent to the Edge of Extinction in a 4-1-1 vote.
Finale: Void, Darleen, Ellie, Erik, and Luther await the return of the player from the Edge. Lila wins, and she becomes a target the instant she arrives back into the game. Luckily for her, she wins immunity, and she shares the reward with Void and Erik, intending to do what NK did in the previous episode. This time, it succeeds, and she gets both Void and Erik on her side. Luther joins their side as well. Darleen and Ellie vote for Void and Luther, respectively. The other people still in the game voted for Ellie, but Darleen plays her idol for Ellie, and a tie between Void and Luther occurs. Erik decides Void is the bigger target of the two, while Lila votes for Luther. It results in another tie, causing Darleen and Erik to draw rocks, and ultimately, Darleen becomes the twelfth member of the jury. After Darleen's shocking rock draw, the four of Void, Ellie, Erik, and Luther decide to stick together to take out Lila if she loses immunity, which she does, to Void. At tribal council, not wanting anyone to flip on his closest ally in Erik, Void plays his idol for him, causing no votes to be negated, and for Lila to be voted out in a 4-1 vote over Ellie. In the final immunity challenge, Erik makes a desperate deal to Void to take him to the final two, trying to downplay his great all-around gameplay as similar to Bao's from Cook Islands- someone who has a great physical and strategic game, but their social game has a lot to be desired, and Void agrees to the plan. Void then is able to beat out Erik in the final immunity challenge, and he keeps his word, sending Luther and Ellie to fire. Luther's survival skills aided him immensely in this final challenge, and he wins the fire making challenge with a handy lead. Ellie becomes the 14th and final member of the jury. Our third all male final three consists of Void, Erik, and Luther. Void is called out for trying to be seen as trustworthy, while being caught in multiple lies during the game. Luther's game is seen as weak all-around, since he followed Void and Erik and didn't really do much in the game. He does get some votes due to how bitter the jury is towards Void and Erik, and he gets Ava, EJ, Maddie, and Marshall's votes. Kim, NK, and Vaso all respected Void's game, so they voted him to win. Ultimately, Erik is voted the winner of the final newbie season of King's Survivor due to having a great social and physical game, and never receiving a vote throughout the entire game. He may not have had the best strategic game, but he didn't need it to win the game. Void wins the Fan Favorite for being the biggest personality of the season and for his robbery.
Winner: Erik LeFort, u/Gemini_B Fan Favorite: Alfred "Void" Vallentino, u/swoldow
For King's Survivor's last season, we will be going out with a bang. 20 memorable contestants who never won before will compete for one last chance at the million, and one will win. Who will be on this season? We will find out soon enough.

Depressed and anxious
I am new to reddit — I’ve been browsing around for a while now, but I’ve lacked the courage to post anything. I can relate to a lot of what has been posted, and I now feel like it’s time that I share my story:
I grew up in a chaotic household (like I’m sure a lot of you have): my mother was mentally unstable given my father lacked a steady income and was constantly finding and experimenting with entrepreneurial projects that failed to provide our family with any steady source of income. My most vivid memories (when I can actually remember, which is difficult when you have MDD) are my parents fighting constantly about mortgage payments, infidelity on business trips, and lack of extended family support. My parents divorced when I was 12 — I I lived in multiple houses growing up with my mom, and my dad has been in and out of my life ever since, though he’s been more involved these past couple of years (I actually lived on his couch from 25 to 26).
However, fortunately, I was able to push through (or ignore)a lot of these family problems growing up, though I was still considered weird by a lot of people my age. I was an excellent high school student: I graduated with a 4.2 gpa and played two sports in which I was a captain for one them senior year. I went on to an elite private college on the east coast in which I played a varsity sport for 4 years. I had an amazing gf who I loved very much (we were together for 4 years in college, and one year after). I was confident and genuinely believed in myself: I didn’t have a fake belief in myself, but a deep love and care for myself. I graduated with a solid gpa as well as a couple of awards for both sports and academics.
After I graduated, my life spiraled out of control: I became deeply, deeply depressed and started to hate my self, a hatred so deep words cannot describe how I felt. I was stuck at a job that meant nothing to me, and spent my weekends indulging in alcohol and marijuana (my brain doesn’t react well to either of those substances). Each day I started to feel more and more “out of it”, emotionally numb, and dysphoric: I felt nothing, there was nothing to live for, and I stopped enjoying everything that used to bring me meaning and joy. I quit my job after 7 months, and I moved back home, leaving behind everything that I worked hard for: a job, friends that respected me, and a loving gf.
After moving back, I was EXTREMELY heart broken after leaving my ex: I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to be the rock and support system for her anymore, I couldn’t understand why I felt so emotionally numb, and I couldn’t understand why there wasn’t any intimacy or passion in the sex or relationship anymore. I started to question my entire existence and identity, and I fell into the darkest depression a person could fall into: I literally questioned everything — I didn’t know my name, my gender, where I was born, my sexual orientation. Nothing felt real — I couldn’t tell real memories from fake memories. I had no sense of self which was slowly destroying me.
Fast forward a year - I was living at home, unemployed and miserable. I ended up taking the GRE and applied to a graduate program at an Ivy League school. Got in, did that, but I still hated my self the whole time (depression, dysphoria, anxiety) it was just that I was able to hide it and distract myself in academics.
After getting my grad degree, I moved home, and I failed to keep in contact with everyone I met in school. Again, the cycle continued: depressed, dysphoric, unemployed, anxious, living at home, and lonely. I couldn’t figure out how to hold on to a job or even find one; I just wanted to go back to school again for the third time, take out more loans, and become further in debt. I stopped caring completely, about everything.
I started to watch porn, have sex with random girls to boost my self esteem (it never did) and drink heavily, and I also got into COCAINE, which completely destroyed me: I felt worthless and lost before, oh boy did cocaine just absolutely fuck me up. My delusions and dysphoria started to worsen: my life goal was to become a cocaine dealer in Mexico (started looking at plane tickets) or a lady boy in Thailand. My entire sex drive was in ruins: I had nothing solid to hold onto, again, a very fragile self image around who I was as human being with very intense dysphoria. For example, I would have repeated videos in my brain of being raped over and over again: I genuinely believed I was a victim of childhood rape, but there is no evidence of that. I went on a cocaine and alcohol binge one night, and the only thing I remember is the next morning being driven to the emergency room: I had gotten the shit beat out of me at the bar, been handcuffed by the cops, driven home by them, and started threatening to kill myself as well as my entire family. At the emergency room, I had an insanely high blood alcohol content as well as cocaine in my system (even the day after). I talked to the social workepsychologist there, and he determined that I was suicidal and delusional, so he put me in the schizophrenic unit of the psych ward for three days, but after the first day I was moved to the major depression and anxiety unit as they believed that was a better fit.
I got out after 4 or 5 days, and I went to see a mental health professional voluntarily for the first time since I was a child: I saw a psychologist when I was young, but that was it. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features, and I was prescribed Abilify and Lexapro. I had been taking both for about a year and a half; however, I went cold turkey on the Lexapro two or three weeks ago and tapered off the Abilify myself a month and a half ago: I just couldn’t stand the weight gain ( I probably gained 50 lbs) and it really didn’t make me feel at peace with myself, it was a bandaid, and I genuinely knew that from the bottom of my heart.
Moved back to the Ivy League town where I graduated from, and I was able to find a job doing consulting work (think about one of those jobs that only rich connected people get); but I quit after 8 months because I wanted to become a professional poker player. I moved to Las Vegas, got an apartment, and started playing at the casinos. Covid happened, I lost my money, and moved back home again. Again, cycle repeats itself.
I recently found a job in another state doing bullshit office work: think Dilbert or Office Space. But, I have come to terms with it, and I’m doing my best to find joy in the little things. I have completely quit alcohol: it’s not even an option. I’m done with it, forever. Drugs and alcohol absolutely crush me.
I still have intense bouts of crippling depression and anxiety attacks which I’ve come to realize are fueled by my inability to understand who I am or hold onto any sort of solid self image of myself at the deepest level: this prevents me from seeking out genuine relationships with other people, whether that be friends or a significant other. I am still questioning all aspects of my self: Am I straight or gay? Am I male or female? Where am I from? What is my name? Who are my family members? Memories don’t seem real, nothing seems real anymore. It’s wearing me down, and I can’t imagine that a person could go through so much pain and still exist. It’s a miracle.
I’m seeing a new psychiatrist, and I am hopeful he will help. I’ve been stable before, relatively content and at peace with myself; I am hoping to get back to that place again. I can’t give up.
Thanks for reading.
I left some stuff out, but that’s pretty much the gist of it. Would love to hear some feedback or stories you have. Let me know if you can relate to any parts of my experience.

Depressed and anxious
I am new to reddit — I’ve been browsing around for a while now, but I’ve lacked the courage to post anything. I can relate to a lot of what has been posted, and I now feel like it’s time that I share my story:
I grew up in a chaotic household (like I’m sure a lot of you have): my mother was mentally unstable given my father lacked a steady income and was constantly finding and experimenting with entrepreneurial projects that failed to provide our family with any steady source of income. My most vivid memories (when I can actually remember, which is difficult when you have MDD) are my parents fighting constantly about mortgage payments, infidelity on business trips, and lack of extended family support. My parents divorced when I was 12 — I I lived in multiple houses growing up with my mom, and my dad has been in and out of my life ever since, though he’s been more involved these past couple of years (I actually lived on his couch from 25 to 26).
However, fortunately, I was able to push through (or ignore)a lot of these family problems growing up, though I was still considered weird by a lot of people my age. I was an excellent high school student: I graduated with a 4.2 gpa and played two sports in which I was a captain for one them senior year. I went on to an elite private college on the east coast in which I played a varsity sport for 4 years. I had an amazing gf who I loved very much (we were together for 4 years in college, and one year after). I was confident and genuinely believed in myself: I didn’t have a fake belief in myself, but a deep love and care for myself. I graduated with a solid gpa as well as a couple of awards for both sports and academics.
After I graduated, my life spiraled out of control: I became deeply, deeply depressed and started to hate my self, a hatred so deep words cannot describe how I felt. I was stuck at a job that meant nothing to me, and spent my weekends indulging in alcohol and marijuana (my brain doesn’t react well to either of those substances). Each day I started to feel more and more “out of it”, emotionally numb, and dysphoric: I felt nothing, there was nothing to live for, and I stopped enjoying everything that used to bring me meaning and joy. I quit my job after 7 months, and I moved back home, leaving behind everything that I worked hard for: a job, friends that respected me, and a loving gf.
After moving back, I was EXTREMELY heart broken after leaving my ex: I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to be the rock and support system for her anymore, I couldn’t understand why I felt so emotionally numb, and I couldn’t understand why there wasn’t any intimacy or passion in the sex or relationship anymore. I started to question my entire existence and identity, and I fell into the darkest depression a person could fall into: I literally questioned everything — I didn’t know my name, my gender, where I was born, my sexual orientation. Nothing felt real — I couldn’t tell real memories from fake memories. I had no sense of self which was slowly destroying me.
Fast forward a year - I was living at home, unemployed and miserable. I ended up taking the GRE and applied to a graduate program at an Ivy League school. Got in, did that, but I still hated my self the whole time (depression, dysphoria, anxiety) it was just that I was able to hide it and distract myself in academics.
After getting my grad degree, I moved home, and I failed to keep in contact with everyone I met in school. Again, the cycle continued: depressed, dysphoric, unemployed, anxious, living at home, and lonely. I couldn’t figure out how to hold on to a job or even find one; I just wanted to go back to school again for the third time, take out more loans, and become further in debt. I stopped caring completely, about everything.
I started to watch porn, have sex with random girls to boost my self esteem (it never did) and drink heavily, and I also got into COCAINE, which completely destroyed me: I felt worthless and lost before, oh boy did cocaine just absolutely fuck me up. My delusions and dysphoria started to worsen: my life goal was to become a cocaine dealer in Mexico (started looking at plane tickets) or a lady boy in Thailand. My entire sex drive was in ruins: I had nothing solid to hold onto, again, a very fragile self image around who I was as human being with very intense dysphoria. For example, I would have repeated videos in my brain of being raped over and over again: I genuinely believed I was a victim of childhood rape, but there is no evidence of that. I went on a cocaine and alcohol binge one night, and the only thing I remember is the next morning being driven to the emergency room: I had gotten the shit beat out of me at the bar, been handcuffed by the cops, driven home by them, and started threatening to kill myself as well as my entire family. At the emergency room, I had an insanely high blood alcohol content as well as cocaine in my system (even the day after). I talked to the social workepsychologist there, and he determined that I was suicidal and delusional, so he put me in the schizophrenic unit of the psych ward for three days, but after the first day I was moved to the major depression and anxiety unit as they believed that was a better fit.
I got out after 4 or 5 days, and I went to see a mental health professional voluntarily for the first time since I was a child: I saw a psychologist when I was young, but that was it. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features, and I was prescribed Abilify and Lexapro. I had been taking both for about a year and a half; however, I went cold turkey on the Lexapro two or three weeks ago and tapered off the Abilify myself a month and a half ago: I just couldn’t stand the weight gain ( I probably gained 50 lbs) and it really didn’t make me feel at peace with myself, it was a bandaid, and I genuinely knew that from the bottom of my heart.
Moved back to the Ivy League town where I graduated from, and I was able to find a job doing consulting work (think about one of those jobs that only rich connected people get); but I quit after 8 months because I wanted to become a professional poker player. I moved to Las Vegas, got an apartment, and started playing at the casinos. Covid happened, I lost my money, and moved back home again. Again, cycle repeats itself.
I recently found a job in another state doing bullshit office work: think Dilbert or Office Space. But, I have come to terms with it, and I’m doing my best to find joy in the little things. I have completely quit alcohol: it’s not even an option. I’m done with it, forever. Drugs and alcohol absolutely crush me.
I still have intense bouts of crippling depression and anxiety attacks which I’ve come to realize are fueled by my inability to understand who I am or hold onto any sort of solid self image of myself at the deepest level: this prevents me from seeking out genuine relationships with other people, whether that be friends or a significant other. I am still questioning all aspects of my self: Am I straight or gay? Am I male or female? Where am I from? What is my name? Who are my family members? Memories don’t seem real, nothing seems real anymore. It’s wearing me down, and I can’t imagine that a person could go through so much pain and still exist. It’s a miracle.
I’m seeing a new psychiatrist, and I am hopeful he will help. I’ve been stable before, relatively content and at peace with myself; I am hoping to get back to that place again. I can’t give up.
Thanks for reading.
I left some stuff out, but that’s pretty much the gist of it. Would love to hear some feedback or stories you have. Let me know if you can relate to any parts of my experience.

Depressed and anxious
I am new to reddit — I’ve been browsing around for a while now, but I’ve lacked the courage to post anything. I can relate to a lot of what has been posted, and I now feel like it’s time that I share my story:
I grew up in a chaotic household (like I’m sure a lot of you have): my mother was mentally unstable given my father lacked a steady income and was constantly finding and experimenting with entrepreneurial projects that failed to provide our family with any steady source of income. My most vivid memories (when I can actually remember, which is difficult when you have MDD) are my parents fighting constantly about mortgage payments, infidelity on business trips, and lack of extended family support. My parents divorced when I was 12 — I I lived in multiple houses growing up with my mom, and my dad has been in and out of my life ever since, though he’s been more involved these past couple of years (I actually lived on his couch from 25 to 26).
However, fortunately, I was able to push through (or ignore)a lot of these family problems growing up, though I was still considered weird by a lot of people my age. I was an excellent high school student: I graduated with a 4.2 gpa and played two sports in which I was a captain for one them senior year. I went on to an elite private college on the east coast in which I played a varsity sport for 4 years. I had an amazing gf who I loved very much (we were together for 4 years in college, and one year after). I was confident and genuinely believed in myself: I didn’t have a fake belief in myself, but a deep love and care for myself. I graduated with a solid gpa as well as a couple of awards for both sports and academics.
After I graduated, my life spiraled out of control: I became deeply, deeply depressed and started to hate my self, a hatred so deep words cannot describe how I felt. I was stuck at a job that meant nothing to me, and spent my weekends indulging in alcohol and marijuana (my brain doesn’t react well to either of those substances). Each day I started to feel more and more “out of it”, emotionally numb, and dysphoric: I felt nothing, there was nothing to live for, and I stopped enjoying everything that used to bring me meaning and joy. I quit my job after 7 months, and I moved back home, leaving behind everything that I worked hard for: a job, friends that respected me, and a loving gf.
After moving back, I was EXTREMELY heart broken after leaving my ex: I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to be the rock and support system for her anymore, I couldn’t understand why I felt so emotionally numb, and I couldn’t understand why there wasn’t any intimacy or passion in the sex or relationship anymore. I started to question my entire existence and identity, and I fell into the darkest depression a person could fall into: I literally questioned everything — I didn’t know my name, my gender, where I was born, my sexual orientation. Nothing felt real — I couldn’t tell real memories from fake memories. I had no sense of self which was slowly destroying me.
Fast forward a year - I was living at home, unemployed and miserable. I ended up taking the GRE and applied to a graduate program at an Ivy League school. Got in, did that, but I still hated my self the whole time (depression, dysphoria, anxiety) it was just that I was able to hide it and distract myself in academics.
After getting my grad degree, I moved home, and I failed to keep in contact with everyone I met in school. Again, the cycle continued: depressed, dysphoric, unemployed, anxious, living at home, and lonely. I couldn’t figure out how to hold on to a job or even find one; I just wanted to go back to school again for the third time, take out more loans, and become further in debt. I stopped caring completely, about everything.
I started to watch porn, have sex with random girls to boost my self esteem (it never did) and drink heavily, and I also got into COCAINE, which completely destroyed me: I felt worthless and lost before, oh boy did cocaine just absolutely fuck me up. My delusions and dysphoria started to worsen: my life goal was to become a cocaine dealer in Mexico (started looking at plane tickets) or a lady boy in Thailand. My entire sex drive was in ruins: I had nothing solid to hold onto, again, a very fragile self image around who I was as human being with very intense dysphoria. For example, I would have repeated videos in my brain of being raped over and over again: I genuinely believed I was a victim of childhood rape, but there is no evidence of that. I went on a cocaine and alcohol binge one night, and the only thing I remember is the next morning being driven to the emergency room: I had gotten the shit beat out of me at the bar, been handcuffed by the cops, driven home by them, and started threatening to kill myself as well as my entire family. At the emergency room, I had an insanely high blood alcohol content as well as cocaine in my system (even the day after). I talked to the social workepsychologist there, and he determined that I was suicidal and delusional, so he put me in the schizophrenic unit of the psych ward for three days, but after the first day I was moved to the major depression and anxiety unit as they believed that was a better fit.
I got out after 4 or 5 days, and I went to see a mental health professional voluntarily for the first time since I was a child: I saw a psychologist when I was young, but that was it. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features, and I was prescribed Abilify and Lexapro. I had been taking both for about a year and a half; however, I went cold turkey on the Lexapro two or three weeks ago and tapered off the Abilify myself a month and a half ago: I just couldn’t stand the weight gain ( I probably gained 50 lbs) and it really didn’t make me feel at peace with myself, it was a bandaid, and I genuinely knew that from the bottom of my heart.
Moved back to the Ivy League town where I graduated from, and I was able to find a job doing consulting work (think about one of those jobs that only rich connected people get); but I quit after 8 months because I wanted to become a professional poker player. I moved to Las Vegas, got an apartment, and started playing at the casinos. Covid happened, I lost my money, and moved back home again. Again, cycle repeats itself.
I recently found a job in another state doing bullshit office work: think Dilbert or Office Space. But, I have come to terms with it, and I’m doing my best to find joy in the little things. I have completely quit alcohol: it’s not even an option. I’m done with it, forever. Drugs and alcohol absolutely crush me.
I still have intense bouts of crippling depression and anxiety attacks which I’ve come to realize are fueled by my inability to understand who I am or hold onto any sort of solid self image of myself at the deepest level: this prevents me from seeking out genuine relationships with other people, whether that be friends or a significant other. I am still questioning all aspects of my self: Am I straight or gay? Am I male or female? Where am I from? What is my name? Who are my family members? Memories don’t seem real, nothing seems real anymore. It’s wearing me down, and I can’t imagine that a person could go through so much pain and still exist. It’s a miracle.
I’m seeing a new psychiatrist, and I am hopeful he will help. I’ve been stable before, relatively content and at peace with myself; I am hoping to get back to that place again. I can’t give up.
Thanks for reading.
I left some stuff out, but that’s pretty much the gist of it. Would love to hear some feedback or stories you have. Let me know if you can relate to any parts of my experience.

Hello guys, I am writing my whishlists about GTA 6, I lost my hope for GTA 6 while Rockstar don't answer us about it, if anybody wants GTA 6 or don't, stop writing GTA 6 in Rockstar games Social Media Posts, just be silent to GTA 6 be exist soon, because we tried everything so why we don't do that at least, this words for Rockstar Games Community and haters, and this post is only a idea for GTA 6 not a leak.
​
1- Features:
- 3 Playable Protagonist
- For the First Time in the Series there is a Female Protagonist
- Return Characters From GTA 4 and GTA 5 (HD GTA) and Some Protagonist Appear and Mentioned
- Multiple Cities and States
- Huge Map
- More Enjoyable Minigames (Shopping, Trading, Smuggling, Kidnapping, Racing, etc...)
- The Graphics is Better than RDR 2 Graphics
- The Physics are the same as Max Payne 3 and RDR 2
- More Wilderness
-More Animals to add
- Alot of Small Towns in The Map
- 2 Limited Places: Las Vegas (Las Ventures) , Mexico City (Capitalo)
​
2- States:
- Florida (Florida)
- New York (Liberty)
- New Jersey (Alderney)
- Pennsylvania / Michigan / Illinois (???)
- Georgia / Alabama / Mississippi / Louisiana (Lemoyne)
3- Cities:
- Miami (Vice City)
- Tampa (Cottonmouth)
- Orlando (???)
- Jacksonville (???)
- Atlanta (???)
- New Orleans (Saint Denis)
- Washington D.C (Capital City)
- Chicago / Detroit / Philadelphia (Carcer City)
- Atlantic City (???)
- Jersey City / Newark (Alderney City)
- New York City (Liberty City)
- Albany (???)
- Buffalo (???)
​
4- Protagonist:
- Marcus Jackson: he is 26 years old, Street Gang Member, Lives in Carcer City, he is African American man
- Walton Parker: he is 45 years old, Retired Drug Dealer, Lives in Vice City, he is a Widower with one 9 years old kid, he is American
- Kate Williamson: she is 23 years old, Hacker and Smart Thief, Lives in Liberty City, She is American
​
5- Story:
(The game is About Mafias Family's and Drug Lords) ( The Game isn't Dark Like GTA 4 and Bright Like GTA 5 its in the Middle)
- In the Prologue the game will start in (1999) Las Ventures, a Young man Called (Walton Parker) and he is 22 years old, he doing some sort of drug dealing with a big Russian Mafia Boss somewhere in Caligula Hall Casino, then the deal not going fine, then it will start a big shooting ,then you need to run away from the casino, when you get out there is someone who was waiting for Walton, and he is the brother of the Mafia Boss, a sniper shot got in his face, that was Walton's Friend (Stanley) Protecting him, then Stanley Takes Walton To the Airport, Fly To Vice City.
After 24 years Later (2023) you will start playing with Kate, Doing hers Routine, After that She entered a Jewelry Store, stealing alot amount of jewelry with a Smart way, without someone Caught her, she out the store and stole a super car smartly, runs to hers house and hack the camera's the store then she finished doing that and see the view of the city.
Taking us to Carcer City with Marcus, rolling with his gang members suddenly heard some guns shot, they go to find out, only some other gangs start gun war, starting a gun fight till finish, Marcus house is the only stolen house from the other, he takes his friend Chris to the market to buy, suddenly in the middle of trip the car is low fuel, then you need to go to the gas station to gas it up, after that they reached to the market and buy some resources and back to home, then here starts the open world.
After Completing Some Missions there is a Mission that Marcus needs to have a deal to get some drugs from the Big Mafias in the City, he go there and make the deal, telling him there is a drug dealer you need to go and he lives in Vice City, Marcus go with 2 Mafia Members and fly to Vice City.
In a Park of Vice City there is Middle Aged Guy sitting with his son ,preparing to going to School ,he takes his kid to School, After that there is a Call From Stanley telling him to go with the Ex - Mafia Leader of Vice City he Go there, and takes the drugs because there is deal needs to happen like the final mission for him to get out the Mafia, he takes the Drugs and go with 4 Mafia members, they Making the deal in a Industrial place in Vice City, Suddenly there is a Ambush from a Mexican Gang some of the members dies, Marcus and 2 of the Members runs away, and Walton in his alone Fight with the enemies, he finished then he want to grab the money and the Drugs but he Saw a Bomb there is Activated then he Can't Do anything only to Run, he get out the place with Big Explode there, he runs away without the Money and The Drugs.
Now the Both of them in Big Trouble and the game going to combine the Problems with them to help each other, with kate to be Featured and Help them.
​
- I Hope Everyone Enjoys the Ideas That I am Sharing, and Remember Guys this is a ideas for GTA 6 and not Official, Maybe Some of the things that I mentioned maybe Appeared In GTA 6 So Don't get Your Hopes high Because Maybe Some them Happend.

Please read this
Depressed and anxious
I am new to reddit — I’ve been browsing around for a while now, but I’ve lacked the courage to post anything. I can relate to a lot of what has been posted, and I now feel like it’s time that I share my story:
I grew up in a chaotic household (like I’m sure a lot of you have): my mother was mentally unstable given my father lacked a steady income and was constantly finding and experimenting with entrepreneurial projects that failed to provide our family with any steady source of income. My most vivid memories (when I can actually remember, which is difficult when you have MDD) are my parents fighting constantly about mortgage payments, infidelity on business trips, and lack of extended family support. My parents divorced when I was 12 — I I lived in multiple houses growing up with my mom, and my dad has been in and out of my life ever since, though he’s been more involved these past couple of years (I actually lived on his couch from 25 to 26).
However, fortunately, I was able to push through (or ignore)a lot of these family problems growing up, though I was still considered weird by a lot of people my age. I was an excellent high school student: I graduated with a 4.2 gpa and played two sports in which I was a captain for one them senior year. I went on to an elite private college on the east coast in which I played a varsity sport for 4 years. I had an amazing gf who I loved very much (we were together for 4 years in college, and one year after). I was confident and genuinely believed in myself: I didn’t have a fake belief in myself, but a deep love and care for myself. I graduated with a solid gpa as well as a couple of awards for both sports and academics.
After I graduated, my life spiraled out of control: I became deeply, deeply depressed and started to hate my self, a hatred so deep words cannot describe how I felt. I was stuck at a job that meant nothing to me, and spent my weekends indulging in alcohol and marijuana (my brain doesn’t react well to either of those substances). Each day I started to feel more and more “out of it”, emotionally numb, and dysphoric: I felt nothing, there was nothing to live for, and I stopped enjoying everything that used to bring me meaning and joy. I quit my job after 7 months, and I moved back home, leaving behind everything that I worked hard for: a job, friends that respected me, and a loving gf.
After moving back, I was EXTREMELY heart broken after leaving my ex: I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to be the rock and support system for her anymore, I couldn’t understand why I felt so emotionally numb, and I couldn’t understand why there wasn’t any intimacy or passion in the sex or relationship anymore. I started to question my entire existence and identity, and I fell into the darkest depression a person could fall into: I literally questioned everything — I didn’t know my name, my gender, where I was born, my sexual orientation. Nothing felt real — I couldn’t tell real memories from fake memories. I had no sense of self which was slowly destroying me.
Fast forward a year - I was living at home, unemployed and miserable. I ended up taking the GRE and applied to a graduate program at an Ivy League school. Got in, did that, but I still hated my self the whole time (depression, dysphoria, anxiety) it was just that I was able to hide it and distract myself in academics.
After getting my grad degree, I moved home, and I failed to keep in contact with everyone I met in school. Again, the cycle continued: depressed, dysphoric, unemployed, anxious, living at home, and lonely. I couldn’t figure out how to hold on to a job or even find one; I just wanted to go back to school again for the third time, take out more loans, and become further in debt. I stopped caring completely, about everything.
I started to watch porn, have sex with random girls to boost my self esteem (it never did) and drink heavily, and I also got into COCAINE, which completely destroyed me: I felt worthless and lost before, oh boy did cocaine just absolutely fuck me up. My delusions and dysphoria started to worsen: my life goal was to become a cocaine dealer in Mexico (started looking at plane tickets) or a lady boy in Thailand. My entire sex drive was in ruins: I had nothing solid to hold onto, again, a very fragile self image around who I was as human being with very intense dysphoria. For example, I would have repeated videos in my brain of being raped over and over again: I genuinely believed I was a victim of childhood rape, but there is no evidence of that. I went on a cocaine and alcohol binge one night, and the only thing I remember is the next morning being driven to the emergency room: I had gotten the shit beat out of me at the bar, been handcuffed by the cops, driven home by them, and started threatening to kill myself as well as my entire family. At the emergency room, I had an insanely high blood alcohol content as well as cocaine in my system (even the day after). I talked to the social workepsychologist there, and he determined that I was suicidal and delusional, so he put me in the schizophrenic unit of the psych ward for three days, but after the first day I was moved to the major depression and anxiety unit as they believed that was a better fit.
I got out after 4 or 5 days, and I went to see a mental health professional voluntarily for the first time since I was a child: I saw a psychologist when I was young, but that was it. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features, and I was prescribed Abilify and Lexapro. I had been taking both for about a year and a half; however, I went cold turkey on the Lexapro two or three weeks ago and tapered off the Abilify myself a month and a half ago: I just couldn’t stand the weight gain ( I probably gained 50 lbs) and it really didn’t make me feel at peace with myself, it was a bandaid, and I genuinely knew that from the bottom of my heart.
Moved back to the Ivy League town where I graduated from, and I was able to find a job doing consulting work (think about one of those jobs that only rich connected people get); but I quit after 8 months because I wanted to become a professional poker player. I moved to Las Vegas, got an apartment, and started playing at the casinos. Covid happened, I lost my money, and moved back home again. Again, cycle repeats itself.
I recently found a job in another state doing bullshit office work: think Dilbert or Office Space. But, I have come to terms with it, and I’m doing my best to find joy in the little things. I have completely quit alcohol: it’s not even an option. I’m done with it, forever. Drugs and alcohol absolutely crush me.
I still have intense bouts of crippling depression and anxiety attacks which I’ve come to realize are fueled by my inability to understand who I am or hold onto any sort of solid self image of myself at the deepest level: this prevents me from seeking out genuine relationships with other people, whether that be friends or a significant other. I am still questioning all aspects of my self: Am I straight or gay? Am I male or female? Where am I from? What is my name? Who are my family members? Memories don’t seem real, nothing seems real anymore. It’s wearing me down, and I can’t imagine that a person could go through so much pain and still exist. It’s a miracle.
I’m seeing a new psychiatrist, and I am hopeful he will help. I’ve been stable before, relatively content and at peace with myself; I am hoping to get back to that place again. I can’t give up.
Thanks for reading.
I left some stuff out, but that’s pretty much the gist of it. Would love to hear some feedback or stories you have. Let me know if you can relate to any parts of my experience.

The execution-style murder of former MOVE member, 34 year old John Gilbride Jr., in Maple Shade, New Jersey on September 27, 2002 remains unsolved. MOVE is a black liberation group founded in 1972 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania by John Africa (born Vincent Leaphart) and Donald Glassey, a social worker student from the University of Pennsylvania. In a 2018 Guardian article about the group, MOVE's political views were described as "a strange fusion of black power and flower power which melded the revolutionary ideology of the Black Panthers with the nature- and animal-loving communalism of 1960s hippies.” John’s father, Jack, believes the organization has “blood on its hands” and had his son followed after he fled the movement. Alberta Africa (now Wonderlin), John’s ex-wife and the ex-wife of MOVE founder John Africa, claims that John is alive and “forgoing any contact with the son he was fighting for in court for a life of seclusion, courtesy of the U.S. government” surmising “maybe he went off the deep end or something and is hiding somewhere….he seemed like he was deeply involved in the government.” Jack stated that it is hurtful Alberta still makes those kinds of statements since he identified his son's body, attended his funeral, and buried his cremated remains saying he “could only wish…she knows more than anyone else that it isn't true." According to the Burlington County Prosecutor’s office, the case is still an open investigation.
John, a baggage supervisor for U.S. Airways, was found dead inside his Ford Crown Victoria at 12:08 a.m. outside the Ryan's Run apartment complex in Maple Shade, New Jersey. The killer fired multiple bullets into John’s head and chest at close range from an automatic weapon after which the individual then disappeared into the highways adjacent to the apartment complex leaving behind John’s personal belongings. Police believe the killer knew his schedule because “they were there at the perfect time” noting they shot him just as he was coming home from work late at night and “the purpose was to take his life, nothing else.” John was scheduled to have his first unsupervised visit with his 6- year old son Zackary later the next day-a visit that Jack claims Alberta and other MOVE members had threatened to stop. After a Philadelphia judge decided that John should have unsupervised time with Zackary, MOVE vowed to fight the order and boarded up windows at its Philadelphia headquarters. They also held a rally at the Cherry Hill municipal building protesting the custody order saying the judge’s order was “an attempt to persecute the group and that Cherry Hill police were helping.” John had mentioned to his father that he felt his life was at risk and he knew “he was taking a big gamble.” Before Alberta married John, she was the widow of John Africa, founder and leader of the controversial radical group MOVE. John Africa and 5 other adults and 5 children died in May 1985 when Philadelphia police dropped a bomb on MOVE’s Osage Avenue rowhouse headquarters after a day-long standoff. Given the group's turbulent history, Alberta said police would have arrested MOVE members by now for John’s death if they had evidence saying “we are not murderers.”
John first learned about MOVE as a student at Temple University in the late 1980s and later joined the organization. During one of John's visits from college, Jack suspected John was under a "new influence" as during a drive around the neighborhood, John mused "this is nothing...these big houses, this money, it doesn't mean anything; this surprised Jack as John's "goal in life had always been to become a millionaire and drive a Cadillac." In 1991, John announced he was going to live in MOVE's headquarters and seeing that they could nothing to dissuade him, Jack decided to "keep communication open and maintain whatever relationship John would allow them" using an 800 number to keep in contact. In the fall of 1992, John married Alberta, who was twice his age, against his family's wishes; the family, nonetheless, felt the wedding should be celebrated so they all went to dinner at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse in Philadelphia. Jack noted that "at no time did we sympathize with MOVE but in order to have a relationship with John, we did what we had to do."
The name of the group (MOVE) is not an acronym and was chosen by John Africa “to say what they intended to do” as in "everything that's alive moves…if it didn't, it would be stagnant, dead"; as an example, when members greet each other they say "on the MOVE.". The group combined revolutionary ideology with animal rights and “advocated a return to a hunter-gatherer society” based on vegetarianism while remaining “opposed to science, medicine, and technology.” John’s followers changed their surnames to Africa to “show reverence to what they regarded as their mother continent.” John Africa and MOVE members lived in a communal house in the Powelton Village section of West Philadelphia. As activists, they staged bullhorn-amplified, profanity-laced demonstrations outside their homes against institutions that they opposed, such as zoos, circuses, “Three Mile Island”, “puppy mills” and police brutality. MOVE made compost piles of garbage and human waste in their yards which attracted rats and cockroaches that they refused to kill as they "considered it morally wrong to kill the vermin with pest control.” MOVE activities were scrutinized by law enforcement particularly under the administration of Philadelphia Mayor Frank Rizzo, a former police commissioner known for hard stance against activist groups. Mayor Rizzo threatened in 1978 to dispatch his Police Department to MOVE's Powelton Village headquarters "to drag 'em out by the back of their necks."
In 1978, complaints from neighbors about "profanity-laced tirades, arms stockpiling, garbage piled in the yard, and naked children" led to a standoff with members of the group who had not vacated their rowhouse headquarters; a resulting shootout took the life of a police officer and put nine MOVE members in prison for life. In 1981, MOVE relocated to a row house at 6221 Osage Avenue in the Cobbs Creek area of West Philadelphia. Neighbors again complained to the city about trash around their building, confrontations, and the obscene political messages by bullhorn. In 1985, the police obtained arrest warrants in 1985 charging four MOVE occupants with crimes including parole violations, contempt of court, illegal possession of firearms, and making terrorist threats; by now, Mayor Wilson Goode and police commissioner Gregore J. Sambor had classified the group as a terrorist organization. Residents of the area were evacuated from the neighborhood and told to return after 24 hours.
On Monday, May 13, 1985, nearly five hundred police officers attempted to clear the building and execute the arrest warrants. Water and electricity were shut off in order to force MOVE members out of the house and Commissioner Sambor exhorted them to come out stating "Attention MOVE: This is America. You have to abide by the laws of the United States." When the MOVE members did not respond, the police decided to forcibly remove the members from the house. There was an armed standoff with police who lobbed tear gas canisters at the building. The MOVE members fired at them, and a gunfight with semi-automatic and automatic firearms ensued. Police went through over ten thousand rounds of ammunition when Commissioner Sambor decided the rowhouse could be bombed. From a Pennsylvania State Police helicopter, Philadelphia Police Department Lt. Frank Powell dropped two one-pound bombs made of FBI-supplied Tovex, a dynamite substitute, which targeted a fortified, bunker-like cubicle on the roof of the house. The resulting explosions ignited a fire from fuel for a gasoline-powered generator stored in the rooftop bunker. The fire spread and eventually destroyed 61 nearby houses. Officials said they feared that MOVE would shoot at the firefighters so they were held back. John Africa and 5 other adults and 5 children died. There were only two survivors; a child, Birdie Africa and an adult woman, Ramona Africa.
John Gilbride eventually left the movement and filed for divorce from Alberta in 1999 which led to years of heated court battles over custody of Zackary; John also filed for bankruptcy. John had gone deep into debt paying for in-vitro fertility treatments as they were desperately trying to have a child. John had also grown frustrated with "MOVE's meddling in his marriage" which "staged hours-long interventions" whenever the couple argued. According to Jack, the timing of the murder and the custody dispute is “more than a coincidence.” Philadelphia Police Captain William Fisher, the head of the department’s civil rights division who knows the MOVE leaders well, stated that John’s murder “seemed like a textbook mob hit” and John had a gambling problem and other enemies as well; Jack dismisses Captain Fisher’s claims saying he did a "disservice to the investigation" and “was simply trying to ease the department’s relationship with MOVE”. Captain Fisher continues to doubt that MOVE was involved saying Jack wants to think that “MOVE did it because it solves his problem…I’m a parent too, and it’s an emotional thing.” He believes a professional gunman could have known of John’s problems with MOVE and could have timed the murder accordingly saying if MOVE was involved, they would not have “outsourced the job to someone outside their organization.” He acknowledges “there was a lot of rhetoric and everything else, but keep it in perspective, it's a child custody thing” saying MOVE's members "defend themselves when needed but do not go out and kill people." Captain Fisher suggested a trip to Las Vegas a few days before his death needed to be looked into further; Jack avers John went to Las Vegas for an Earth, Wind, and Fire concert. John also had a "secret..and brief" second marriage to Rosario Bienvenida Arias-a 24-year-old casino dealer from the Dominican Republic. They married in Maryland on April 25, 2002, but, according to the annulment initiated by John May 19,2002, "she used him and then fled the country." The marriage had not been "nullified by the time John died, so as his widow, Rosario-not Zack-collected death benefits."
Others disagree such as former MOVE supporter Tony Allen who runs an anti-MOVE blog; he believes MOVE would never have put someone in their closest family circles at risk by killing John and would have given that task to a supporter saying “my hope is that there's people in and about MOVE whose consciences will eat away at them." Burlington County Prosecutor Robert Bernardi mentioned that MOVE members had been questioned in the investigation but did not comment further. In 2012 the Philadelphia Inquirer reported that John had told friends and family that he had recorded incriminating evidence in a notebook as "security against a hit" by MOVE. John said he had placed the notebook inside a locker for safekeeping. Jack confirmed one of John’s coworkers had contacted him and he tried to get police to search the locker but to no avail. At the time, Prosecutor Bernardi had no comment when pressed on the topic. It is unclear if the locker was ever searched.
In a 2009 news article, Jack mentioned that he continues to speak with investigators every three weeks but acknowledged "they get tired of telling me there's nothing new." Zackary, at the time 13 years old, was “a happy home-schooled teen, active in swimming and fencing.” In the interview, Alberta admitted that her son continues to miss his father recalling how they “found a picture of his dad, and he just fell into me..he's a big boy, but he was in tears. She also says "the tears she cried for John were real in 2002" and she continues to feels his absence noting that she remarried after John’s death, “not out of love, but to give her son a stable home.”
Jack said “his life has been anything but stable” since his son's death. His wife, Fran, died of cancer two years after his son was killed, and he speaks to Zack only once every three to six months. He knows that “wishing his son were still alive is pointless” so he focuses on resolving the case so Zack can come back into his life saying “he's been raised by MOVE his whole life. I hope when he gets older, he'll ask questions. I want him to know that his father fought for him."
Anyone with information about John’s murder can contact the Burlington County Prosecutor's Office at 609-265- 7113.
Questions:
Do we know more about John's gambling debts and other enemies he supposedly had? There is much discussion on the MOVE angle but I really couldn't find much information on any other theories besides the statement made by Captain Fisher.
Was John's locker ever searched?
Links:
https://www.inquirer.com/philly/news/20090926_Slaying_of_ex-MOVEr_still_roils_feelings_7_years_later.html
https://www.theintelligencer.com/news/article/Man-in-Custody-Battle-Shot-to-Death-10572580.php
https://www.inquirer.com/philly/blogs/inq-blinq/A-clue-hidden-in-a-lost-locker.html
https://www.inquirer.com/philly/hp/news_update/20140928_A_slain_man__a_lost_son_and_a_grandfather_s_quest.html
https://culteducation.com/group/1060-move/14601-breaking-silence-over-a-sons-slaying.html
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MOVE#2002_murder_of_John_Gilbride
http://antimove.blogspot.com/2012/09/?m=1
https://www.religionnewsblog.com/4623/unsolved-death-angers-move-grieves-parents
https://www.vox.com/the-highlight/2019/8/8/20747198/philadelphia-bombing-1985-move
https://www.inquirer.com/philly/entertainment/20131020_A_haunting_look_at_when_Phila__burned.html
https://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/02/movies/let-the-fire-burn-relives-1985-siege-of-the-move-group.html
https://www.phillymag.com/news/2014/02/27/birdie-africa-lost-boy/
http://kalamu.com/neogriot/2015/05/13/history-lest-we-forget-today-is-the-30th-anniversary-of-the-bombing-of-move/
MOVE has been “an anomaly in Philadelphia ever since it was founded, in the mid-1970s, by a white graduate student who became enthralled with the musings of a local black handyman who took the name John Africa and held beliefs ranging from vegetarianism to odd bathing rituals to preparation for worldwide racial conflict.” Several city officials were reprimanded in an investigation which called “dropping a bomb on an occupied row house…unconscionable” but none were criminally charged for the bombing. The 61 destroyed homes were rebuilt with government funds ($35 milion) but the houses were eventually condemned since a potential carbon monoxide leak was found in the heating systems. In 2000, the city paid again to buy out the residents and move them.
Ramona Africa, the only adult who came out of the house fire alive (along with 13-year old Birdie Africa), served seven years in prison for her role in the confrontation. As she stood outside MOVE's current house in 2013, she dismissed the notion that the home had code violations stating “they say it is a fire hazard but the only fire MOVE has ever been involved with is the one the city of Philadelphia set on May 13, 1985."

Depressed and anxious
I am new to reddit — I’ve been browsing around for a while now, but I’ve lacked the courage to post anything. I can relate to a lot of what has been posted, and I now feel like it’s time that I share my story:
I grew up in a chaotic household (like I’m sure a lot of you have): my mother was mentally unstable given my father lacked a steady income and was constantly finding and experimenting with entrepreneurial projects that failed to provide our family with any steady source of income. My most vivid memories (when I can actually remember, which is difficult when you have MDD) are my parents fighting constantly about mortgage payments, infidelity on business trips, and lack of extended family support. My parents divorced when I was 12 — I I lived in multiple houses growing up with my mom, and my dad has been in and out of my life ever since, though he’s been more involved these past couple of years (I actually lived on his couch from 25 to 26).
However, fortunately, I was able to push through (or ignore)a lot of these family problems growing up, though I was still considered weird by a lot of people my age. I was an excellent high school student: I graduated with a 4.2 gpa and played two sports in which I was a captain for one them senior year. I went on to an elite private college on the east coast in which I played a varsity sport for 4 years. I had an amazing gf who I loved very much (we were together for 4 years in college, and one year after). I was confident and genuinely believed in myself: I didn’t have a fake belief in myself, but a deep love and care for myself. I graduated with a solid gpa as well as a couple of awards for both sports and academics.
After I graduated, my life spiraled out of control: I became deeply, deeply depressed and started to hate my self, a hatred so deep words cannot describe how I felt. I was stuck at a job that meant nothing to me, and spent my weekends indulging in alcohol and marijuana (my brain doesn’t react well to either of those substances). Each day I started to feel more and more “out of it”, emotionally numb, and dysphoric: I felt nothing, there was nothing to live for, and I stopped enjoying everything that used to bring me meaning and joy. I quit my job after 7 months, and I moved back home, leaving behind everything that I worked hard for: a job, friends that respected me, and a loving gf.
After moving back, I was EXTREMELY heart broken after leaving my ex: I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to be the rock and support system for her anymore, I couldn’t understand why I felt so emotionally numb, and I couldn’t understand why there wasn’t any intimacy or passion in the sex or relationship anymore. I started to question my entire existence and identity, and I fell into the darkest depression a person could fall into: I literally questioned everything — I didn’t know my name, my gender, where I was born, my sexual orientation. Nothing felt real — I couldn’t tell real memories from fake memories. I had no sense of self which was slowly destroying me.
Fast forward a year - I was living at home, unemployed and miserable. I ended up taking the GRE and applied to a graduate program at an Ivy League school. Got in, did that, but I still hated my self the whole time (depression, dysphoria, anxiety) it was just that I was able to hide it and distract myself in academics.
After getting my grad degree, I moved home, and I failed to keep in contact with everyone I met in school. Again, the cycle continued: depressed, dysphoric, unemployed, anxious, living at home, and lonely. I couldn’t figure out how to hold on to a job or even find one; I just wanted to go back to school again for the third time, take out more loans, and become further in debt. I stopped caring completely, about everything.
I started to watch porn, have sex with random girls to boost my self esteem (it never did) and drink heavily, and I also got into COCAINE, which completely destroyed me: I felt worthless and lost before, oh boy did cocaine just absolutely fuck me up. My delusions and dysphoria started to worsen: my life goal was to become a cocaine dealer in Mexico (started looking at plane tickets) or a lady boy in Thailand. My entire sex drive was in ruins: I had nothing solid to hold onto, again, a very fragile self image around who I was as human being with very intense dysphoria. For example, I would have repeated videos in my brain of being raped over and over again: I genuinely believed I was a victim of childhood rape, but there is no evidence of that. I went on a cocaine and alcohol binge one night, and the only thing I remember is the next morning being driven to the emergency room: I had gotten the shit beat out of me at the bar, been handcuffed by the cops, driven home by them, and started threatening to kill myself as well as my entire family. At the emergency room, I had an insanely high blood alcohol content as well as cocaine in my system (even the day after). I talked to the social workepsychologist there, and he determined that I was suicidal and delusional, so he put me in the schizophrenic unit of the psych ward for three days, but after the first day I was moved to the major depression and anxiety unit as they believed that was a better fit.
I got out after 4 or 5 days, and I went to see a mental health professional voluntarily for the first time since I was a child: I saw a psychologist when I was young, but that was it. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features, and I was prescribed Abilify and Lexapro. I had been taking both for about a year and a half; however, I went cold turkey on the Lexapro two or three weeks ago and tapered off the Abilify myself a month and a half ago: I just couldn’t stand the weight gain ( I probably gained 50 lbs) and it really didn’t make me feel at peace with myself, it was a bandaid, and I genuinely knew that from the bottom of my heart.
Moved back to the Ivy League town where I graduated from, and I was able to find a job doing consulting work (think about one of those jobs that only rich connected people get); but I quit after 8 months because I wanted to become a professional poker player. I moved to Las Vegas, got an apartment, and started playing at the casinos. Covid happened, I lost my money, and moved back home again. Again, cycle repeats itself.
I recently found a job in another state doing bullshit office work: think Dilbert or Office Space. But, I have come to terms with it, and I’m doing my best to find joy in the little things. I have completely quit alcohol: it’s not even an option. I’m done with it, forever. Drugs and alcohol absolutely crush me.
I still have intense bouts of crippling depression and anxiety attacks which I’ve come to realize are fueled by my inability to understand who I am or hold onto any sort of solid self image of myself at the deepest level: this prevents me from seeking out genuine relationships with other people, whether that be friends or a significant other. I am still questioning all aspects of my self: Am I straight or gay? Am I male or female? Where am I from? What is my name? Who are my family members? Memories don’t seem real, nothing seems real anymore. It’s wearing me down, and I can’t imagine that a person could go through so much pain and still exist. It’s a miracle.
I’m seeing a new psychiatrist, and I am hopeful he will help. I’ve been stable before, relatively content and at peace with myself; I am hoping to get back to that place again. I can’t give up.
Thanks for reading.
I left some stuff out, but that’s pretty much the gist of it. Would love to hear some feedback or stories you have. Let me know if you can relate to any parts of my experience.

I am new to reddit — I’ve been browsing around for a while now, but I’ve lacked the courage to post anything. I can relate to a lot of what has been posted, and I now feel like it’s time that I share my story:
I grew up in a chaotic household (like I’m sure a lot of you have): my mother was relatively mentally unstable given my father lacked a steady income and was constantly finding and experimenting with entrepreneurial projects that failed to provide our family with any steady source of income. My most vivid memories (when I can actually remember, which is difficult when you have MDD) are my parents fighting constantly about mortgage payments, infidelity on business trips, and lack of extended family support. My parents divorced when I was 12 — I lived in multiple houses growing up with my mom, and my dad has been in and out of my life ever since, though he’s been more involved these past couple of years (I actually lived on his couch from ages 25 to 26).
However, fortunately, I was able to push through (or ignore)a lot of these family problems growing up, though I was still considered weird by a lot of people my age. I was an excellent high school student: I graduated with a 4.2 gpa and played two sports in which I was a captain for one them senior year. I went on to an elite private college on the east coast in which I played a varsity sport for 4 years. I had an amazing gf who I loved very much (we were together for 4 years in college, and one year after). I was confident and genuinely believed in myself: not a fake belief, but a deep love and care for myself. I graduated with a solid gpa as well as a couple of awards for both sports and academics.
After I graduated, my life spiraled out of control: I became deeply, deeply depressed and started to hate my self, a hatred so deep words cannot describe. I was stuck at a job that meant nothing to me, and spent my weekends indulging in alcohol and marijuana (my brain doesn’t react well to either of those substances). Each day I started to feel more and more “out of it”, emotionally numb, and dysphoric: I felt nothing, there was nothing to live for, and I stopped enjoying everything that used to bring me meaning and joy. I quit my job after 7 months, and I moved back home, leaving behind everything that I worked hard for: a job, friends that respected me, and a loving gf.
After moving back, I was EXTREMELY heart broken after leaving my ex: I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to be the rock and support system for her anymore, I couldn’t understand why I felt so emotionally numb, and I couldn’t understand why there wasn’t any intimacy or passion in the sex or relationship anymore. I started to question my entire existence and identity, and I fell into the darkest depression a person could fall into: I literally questioned everything — I didn’t know my name, my gender, where I was born, my sexual orientation. Nothing felt real — I couldn’t tell real memories from fake memories. There was no sense of self which was slowly destroying me.
Fast forward a year - I was living at home, unemployed and miserable. I ended up taking the GRE and applied to a graduate program at an Ivy League school. Got in, did that, but I still hated my self the whole time (depression, dysphoria, anxiety) it was just that I was able to hide it and distract myself in academics.
After getting my grad degree, I moved home, and I failed to keep in contact with everyone I met in school. Again, the cycle continued: depressed, dysphoric, unemployed, anxious, living at home, and lonely. I couldn’t figure out how to hold on to a job or even find one; I just wanted to go back to school again for the third time, take out more loans, and become further in debt. I stopped caring completely, about everything.
I started to watch porn, have sex with random girls to boost my self esteem (it never did) and drink heavily, and I also got into COCAINE, which completely destroyed me: I felt worthless and lost before, oh boy did cocaine just absolutely fuck me up. My delusions and dysphoria started to worsen: my life goal was to become a cocaine dealer in Mexico (started looking at plane tickets) or a lady boy in Thailand. My entire sex drive was in ruins: I had nothing solid to hold onto, again, a very fragile self image around who I was as human being with very intense dysphoria. For example, I would have repeated videos in my brain of being raped over and over again: I genuinely believe I was a victim of childhood rape, but there is no evidence of that. I went on a cocaine and alcohol binge one night, and the only thing I remember is the next morning being driven to the emergency room: apparently I had gotten the shit beat out of me at the bar, been handcuffed by the cops, driven home by them, and started threatening to kill myself as well as my entire family. At the emergency room, I had an insanely high blood alcohol content as well as cocaine in my system (even the day after). I talked to the social workepsychologist there, and he determined that I was suicidal and delusional, so he put me in the schizophrenic unit of the psych ward for three days, but after the first day I was moved to the major depression and anxiety unit as they believed that was a better fit.
I got out after 4 or 5 days, and I went to see a mental health professional voluntarily for the first time since I was a child: I saw a psychologist when I was young, but that was it. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features, and I was prescribed Abilify and Lexapro. I had been taking both for about a year and a half; however, I went cold turkey on the Lexapro two or three weeks ago and tapered off the Abilify myself a month and a half ago: I just couldn’t stand the weight gain ( I probably gained 50 lbs) and it really didn’t make me feel at peace with myself, it was a bandaid, and I genuinely knew that from the bottom of my heart.
Moved back to the Ivy League town where I graduated from, and I was able to find a job doing consulting work (think about one of those jobs that only rich connected people get); but I quit after 8 months because I wanted to become a professional poker player. I moved to Las Vegas, got an apartment, and started playing at the casinos. Covid happened, I lost my money, and moved back home again. Again, cycle repeats itself.
I Recently found a job in another state doing bullshit office work: think Dilbert or Office Space. But, I have come to terms with it, and I’m doing my best to find joy in the little things. I have completely quit alcohol: like it’s not even an option. I’m done with it, forever. Drugs and alcohol absolutely crush me.
I still have intense bouts of crippling depression and anxiety attacks which I’ve come to realize are fueled by my inability to understand who I am or hold onto any sort of solid self image of myself at the deepest level: this prevents me from seeking out genuine relationships with other people, whether that be friends or significant other. I am still questioning all aspects of my self: Am I straight or gay? Am I male or female? Where am I from? What is my name? Who are my family members? Memories don’t seem real, nothing seems real anymore. It’s wearing me down, and I can’t imagine that a person could go through so much pain and still exist. It’s a miracle.
I’m seeing a new psychiatrist, and I am hopeful he will help. I’ve been stable before, relatively content and at peace with myself; I am hoping to get back to that place again. I can’t give up.
Thanks for reading.
I left some stuff out, but that’s pretty much the gist of it. Would love to hear some feedback or stories you have. Let me know if you can relate to any parts of my experience.

Depressed and anxious
I am new to reddit — I’ve been browsing around for a while now, but I’ve lacked the courage to post anything. I can relate to a lot of what has been posted, and I now feel like it’s time that I share my story:
I grew up in a chaotic household (like I’m sure a lot of you have): my mother was mentally unstable given my father lacked a steady income and was constantly finding and experimenting with entrepreneurial projects that failed to provide our family with any steady source of income. My most vivid memories (when I can actually remember, which is difficult when you have MDD) are my parents fighting constantly about mortgage payments, infidelity on business trips, and lack of extended family support. My parents divorced when I was 12 — I I lived in multiple houses growing up with my mom, and my dad has been in and out of my life ever since, though he’s been more involved these past couple of years (I actually lived on his couch from 25 to 26).
However, fortunately, I was able to push through (or ignore)a lot of these family problems growing up, though I was still considered weird by a lot of people my age. I was an excellent high school student: I graduated with a 4.2 gpa and played two sports in which I was a captain for one them senior year. I went on to an elite private college on the east coast in which I played a varsity sport for 4 years. I had an amazing gf who I loved very much (we were together for 4 years in college, and one year after). I was confident and genuinely believed in myself: I didn’t have a fake belief in myself, but a deep love and care for myself. I graduated with a solid gpa as well as a couple of awards for both sports and academics.
After I graduated, my life spiraled out of control: I became deeply, deeply depressed and started to hate my self, a hatred so deep words cannot describe how I felt. I was stuck at a job that meant nothing to me, and spent my weekends indulging in alcohol and marijuana (my brain doesn’t react well to either of those substances). Each day I started to feel more and more “out of it”, emotionally numb, and dysphoric: I felt nothing, there was nothing to live for, and I stopped enjoying everything that used to bring me meaning and joy. I quit my job after 7 months, and I moved back home, leaving behind everything that I worked hard for: a job, friends that respected me, and a loving gf.
After moving back, I was EXTREMELY heart broken after leaving my ex: I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to be the rock and support system for her anymore, I couldn’t understand why I felt so emotionally numb, and I couldn’t understand why there wasn’t any intimacy or passion in the sex or relationship anymore. I started to question my entire existence and identity, and I fell into the darkest depression a person could fall into: I literally questioned everything — I didn’t know my name, my gender, where I was born, my sexual orientation. Nothing felt real — I couldn’t tell real memories from fake memories. I had no sense of self which was slowly destroying me.
Fast forward a year - I was living at home, unemployed and miserable. I ended up taking the GRE and applied to a graduate program at an Ivy League school. Got in, did that, but I still hated my self the whole time (depression, dysphoria, anxiety) it was just that I was able to hide it and distract myself in academics.
After getting my grad degree, I moved home, and I failed to keep in contact with everyone I met in school. Again, the cycle continued: depressed, dysphoric, unemployed, anxious, living at home, and lonely. I couldn’t figure out how to hold on to a job or even find one; I just wanted to go back to school again for the third time, take out more loans, and become further in debt. I stopped caring completely, about everything.
I started to watch porn, have sex with random girls to boost my self esteem (it never did) and drink heavily, and I also got into COCAINE, which completely destroyed me: I felt worthless and lost before, oh boy did cocaine just absolutely fuck me up. My delusions and dysphoria started to worsen: my life goal was to become a cocaine dealer in Mexico (started looking at plane tickets) or a lady boy in Thailand. My entire sex drive was in ruins: I had nothing solid to hold onto, again, a very fragile self image around who I was as human being with very intense dysphoria. For example, I would have repeated videos in my brain of being raped over and over again: I genuinely believed I was a victim of childhood rape, but there is no evidence of that. I went on a cocaine and alcohol binge one night, and the only thing I remember is the next morning being driven to the emergency room: I had gotten the shit beat out of me at the bar, been handcuffed by the cops, driven home by them, and started threatening to kill myself as well as my entire family. At the emergency room, I had an insanely high blood alcohol content as well as cocaine in my system (even the day after). I talked to the social workepsychologist there, and he determined that I was suicidal and delusional, so he put me in the schizophrenic unit of the psych ward for three days, but after the first day I was moved to the major depression and anxiety unit as they believed that was a better fit.
I got out after 4 or 5 days, and I went to see a mental health professional voluntarily for the first time since I was a child: I saw a psychologist when I was young, but that was it. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features, and I was prescribed Abilify and Lexapro. I had been taking both for about a year and a half; however, I went cold turkey on the Lexapro two or three weeks ago and tapered off the Abilify myself a month and a half ago: I just couldn’t stand the weight gain ( I probably gained 50 lbs) and it really didn’t make me feel at peace with myself, it was a bandaid, and I genuinely knew that from the bottom of my heart.
Moved back to the Ivy League town where I graduated from, and I was able to find a job doing consulting work (think about one of those jobs that only rich connected people get); but I quit after 8 months because I wanted to become a professional poker player. I moved to Las Vegas, got an apartment, and started playing at the casinos. Covid happened, I lost my money, and moved back home again. Again, cycle repeats itself.
I recently found a job in another state doing bullshit office work: think Dilbert or Office Space. But, I have come to terms with it, and I’m doing my best to find joy in the little things. I have completely quit alcohol: it’s not even an option. I’m done with it, forever. Drugs and alcohol absolutely crush me.
I still have intense bouts of crippling depression and anxiety attacks which I’ve come to realize are fueled by my inability to understand who I am or hold onto any sort of solid self image of myself at the deepest level: this prevents me from seeking out genuine relationships with other people, whether that be friends or a significant other. I am still questioning all aspects of my self: Am I straight or gay? Am I male or female? Where am I from? What is my name? Who are my family members? Memories don’t seem real, nothing seems real anymore. It’s wearing me down, and I can’t imagine that a person could go through so much pain and still exist. It’s a miracle.
I’m seeing a new psychiatrist, and I am hopeful he will help. I’ve been stable before, relatively content and at peace with myself; I am hoping to get back to that place again. I can’t give up.
Thanks for reading.
I left some stuff out, but that’s pretty much the gist of it. Would love to hear some feedback or stories you have. Let me know if you can relate to any parts of my experience.

I am new to reddit — I’ve been browsing around for a while now, but I’ve lacked the courage to post anything. I can relate to a lot of what has been posted, and I now feel like it’s time that I share my story:
I grew up in a chaotic household (like I’m sure a lot of you have): my mother was mentally unstable given my father lacked a steady income and was constantly finding and experimenting with entrepreneurial projects that failed to provide our family with any steady source of income. My most vivid memories (when I can actually remember, which is difficult when you have MDD) are my parents fighting constantly about mortgage payments, infidelity on business trips, and lack of extended family support. My parents divorced when I was 12 — I I lived in multiple houses growing up with my mom, and my dad has been in and out of my life ever since, though he’s been more involved these past couple of years (I actually lived on his couch from 25 to 26).
However, fortunately, I was able to push through (or ignore)a lot of these family problems growing up, though I was still considered weird by a lot of people my age. I was an excellent high school student: I graduated with a 4.2 gpa and played two sports in which I was a captain for one them senior year. I went on to an elite private college on the east coast in which I played a varsity sport for 4 years. I had an amazing gf who I loved very much (we were together for 4 years in college, and one year after). I was confident and genuinely believed in myself: I didn’t have a fake belief in myself, but a deep love and care for myself. I graduated with a solid gpa as well as a couple of awards for both sports and academics.
After I graduated, my life spiraled out of control: I became deeply, deeply depressed and started to hate my self, a hatred so deep words cannot describe how I felt. I was stuck at a job that meant nothing to me, and spent my weekends indulging in alcohol and marijuana (my brain doesn’t react well to either of those substances). Each day I started to feel more and more “out of it”, emotionally numb, and dysphoric: I felt nothing, there was nothing to live for, and I stopped enjoying everything that used to bring me meaning and joy. I quit my job after 7 months, and I moved back home, leaving behind everything that I worked hard for: a job, friends that respected me, and a loving gf.
After moving back, I was EXTREMELY heart broken after leaving my ex: I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to be the rock and support system for her anymore, I couldn’t understand why I felt so emotionally numb, and I couldn’t understand why there wasn’t any intimacy or passion in the sex or relationship anymore. I started to question my entire existence and identity, and I fell into the darkest depression a person could fall into: I literally questioned everything — I didn’t know my name, my gender, where I was born, my sexual orientation. Nothing felt real — I couldn’t tell real memories from fake memories. I had no sense of self which was slowly destroying me.
Fast forward a year - I was living at home, unemployed and miserable. I ended up taking the GRE and applied to a graduate program at an Ivy League school. Got in, did that, but I still hated my self the whole time (depression, dysphoria, anxiety) it was just that I was able to hide it and distract myself in academics.
After getting my grad degree, I moved home, and I failed to keep in contact with everyone I met in school. Again, the cycle continued: depressed, dysphoric, unemployed, anxious, living at home, and lonely. I couldn’t figure out how to hold on to a job or even find one; I just wanted to go back to school again for the third time, take out more loans, and become further in debt. I stopped caring completely, about everything.
I started to watch porn, have sex with random girls to boost my self esteem (it never did) and drink heavily, and I also got into COCAINE, which completely destroyed me: I felt worthless and lost before, oh boy did cocaine just absolutely fuck me up. My delusions and dysphoria started to worsen: my life goal was to become a cocaine dealer in Mexico (started looking at plane tickets) or a lady boy in Thailand. My entire sex drive was in ruins: I had nothing solid to hold onto, again, a very fragile self image around who I was as human being with very intense dysphoria. For example, I would have repeated videos in my brain of being raped over and over again: I genuinely believed I was a victim of childhood rape, but there is no evidence of that. I went on a cocaine and alcohol binge one night, and the only thing I remember is the next morning being driven to the emergency room: I had gotten the shit beat out of me at the bar, been handcuffed by the cops, driven home by them, and started threatening to kill myself as well as my entire family. At the emergency room, I had an insanely high blood alcohol content as well as cocaine in my system (even the day after). I talked to the social workepsychologist there, and he determined that I was suicidal and delusional, so he put me in the schizophrenic unit of the psych ward for three days, but after the first day I was moved to the major depression and anxiety unit as they believed that was a better fit.
I got out after 4 or 5 days, and I went to see a mental health professional voluntarily for the first time since I was a child: I saw a psychologist when I was young, but that was it. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features, and I was prescribed Abilify and Lexapro. I had been taking both for about a year and a half; however, I went cold turkey on the Lexapro two or three weeks ago and tapered off the Abilify myself a month and a half ago: I just couldn’t stand the weight gain ( I probably gained 50 lbs) and it really didn’t make me feel at peace with myself, it was a bandaid, and I genuinely knew that from the bottom of my heart.
Moved back to the Ivy League town where I graduated from, and I was able to find a job doing consulting work (think about one of those jobs that only rich connected people get); but I quit after 8 months because I wanted to become a professional poker player. I moved to Las Vegas, got an apartment, and started playing at the casinos. Covid happened, I lost my money, and moved back home again. Again, cycle repeats itself.
I recently found a job in another state doing bullshit office work: think Dilbert or Office Space. But, I have come to terms with it, and I’m doing my best to find joy in the little things. I have completely quit alcohol: it’s not even an option. I’m done with it, forever. Drugs and alcohol absolutely crush me.
I still have intense bouts of crippling depression and anxiety attacks which I’ve come to realize are fueled by my inability to understand who I am or hold onto any sort of solid self image of myself at the deepest level: this prevents me from seeking out genuine relationships with other people, whether that be friends or a significant other. I am still questioning all aspects of my self: Am I straight or gay? Am I male or female? Where am I from? What is my name? Who are my family members? Memories don’t seem real, nothing seems real anymore. It’s wearing me down, and I can’t imagine that a person could go through so much pain and still exist. It’s a miracle.
I’m seeing a new psychiatrist, and I am hopeful he will help. I’ve been stable before, relatively content and at peace with myself; I am hoping to get back to that place again. I can’t give up.
Thanks for reading.
I left some stuff out, but that’s pretty much the gist of it. Would love to hear some feedback or stories you have. Let me know if you can relate to any parts of my experience.

So, since pat BASICALLY asked (Well, he made an offhanded remark about learning a bit about fate to dunk on it more which he probably wont follow through on) I thought it'd be great to make a thread on dunking on fate, since there's no one who can call out the dumb BS in fate other than fate/type-moon fans themselves.
So, since pretty much everything in fate usually has a pretty amazing concept at the beginning or the end of it, decided to go ahead and make it a thread for hype stuff as well. THE MORE OUT OF CONTEXT IT IS, THE BETTER.
So, final warning, BIG FATE SPOILERS HERE.
for example:
Stupid bullshit:

• Atilla the hun was a girl
  
• Atilla the hun was an alien
  
• Atilla the hun was a giant alien woman sent to destroy all civilization on the planet
  
• The older female king arthur decided one year to wear a bunny suit and open a casino is las vegas
  
• paul bunyan is a girl and is made of magic udon dough
  
• The servant universe. An alternate dimension where you've got star wars age tech, schools for young servants to gain stars, and galactic space cops
  
  • In the servant universe, there is a servant named Mysterious heroine X Alter. She has the infinity chocolate (totally, definitely not the infinity gauntlet), ordered her laser swords from a shady online dealer, and dresses like and uses the ability of the sith.
• A vampire got trapped in his own box
  

Hype/stupid shit depending on who you ask:

• Atilla the hun dressed up as santa for a day and handed out presents
  - The titans were also aliens
  

Hype shit:
- The titans built the greek gods, who were mechs/supercomputers/oribtal space platforms
- The titans and giant space kaiju waifu atilla had a kaiju vs. mech fight 14000 years ago

• There's a vampire in lore that can make kaiju on whim and since he had his limbs cut off, he made replacements and has kaiju for limbs
  
• Type moon, now featuring Dante from the devil may cry series. Enhance is a dante expy
  
• An old man fought the moon and WON, but not before the moon bit him and said, fuck you, you're a vampire now bitch, YOU BELONG TO ME.
  

NOW GO! CALL IT OUT SUPER HARD!

I have to hands down say The Golden Gate on Fremont Street is my favorite. It has history and is technically the oldest casino in Las Vegas. No, it isn't huge, it isn't modern like Caesars Palace, but it has soul. Also, I tend to have best luck at the blackjack tables there (& the D, which are both co-owned by the same company.)
​
What are your favorite Casinos?
​
On the strip, I like Planet Hollywood the best. The ambiance of the Palazzo gaming room is lovely, but I've always did nothing but lose lose lose there. I also did pretty well at the Mirage.
​
Typically I avoid the strip for gambling, and my last apartment was at Jones and Lake Mead, so I went to both Fiesta and Texas Station often, THAT or Arizona Charlie's. I've won more the not at Arizona Charlie's. As you can see, I don't have the most boujee tastes. But I do have a love for the Casino lifestyle, which is why I attended dealer school.
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Tell me where your most positive casino experiences were, which ones you prefer, and the ones that you tend to avoid, please!

Since the U.S. Department of Treasury has been auto depositing Federal stimulus checks to all taxpayers who have already filed their 2019 income tax on-line, I had mixed feelings when I checked my on-line bank account and saw that $1200 had been deposited. On the one hand it's $1,200 of free money. On the other hand I'm also a teacher in rural Nevada. Even though all K-12 schools in my state have been closed since March 16 by order of Governor Sisolak, I'm still drawing a paycheck. There are over 200,000 casino resort workers who are not. It's not just the black jack dealers, croupiers, and pit bosses who are out of work but also desk clerks, cashiers, bell hops, housekeeping, maintenance, servers, kitchen staffs, valets etc. Add in other retail businesses and services and our state unemployment office has been slammed with over 300,000 applications that have been submitted within the past 30 days! Although there is a desperate need for money now, the state is still processing applications that were submitted during the last week of March.
Our one and only grocery store was forced to close after a wholesale food supplier in Las Vegas decided that it wasn't cost effective to run a supply truck to my community just to restock one grocer. This supplier had previously also supplied several of our casino resorts, all of which have been closed. The closure of this grocer has left Dollar General as being the only "food store" in town. Our local food bank has been overwhelmed partially because a lot of people don't have personal transportation to go grocery shopping out of town; but also because a lot of them are now unemployed.
To make matters worse, although Governor Sisolak issued a stay on all eviction proceedings and foreclosures, a lot of unscrupulous landlords have been evicting tenants who have been unable to pay their rent. People who had jobs but lost them because of the shelter in place orders are now being displaced across the state. It's absolutely heartrending to realize that our most vulnerable; the poor and the homeless are being the worst hurt by this on-going crisis.
Given everything I have described, I could not in good conscience keep the $1200 that the Federal government gave me. I consider myself extremely fortunate. I'm still drawing a paycheck. I have a roof over my head and food on the table. This is more than many others have.
Having said this, with so much need out there, $1200 is just a drop in the metaphorical bucket. Jeff Bezos, the Amazon founder and CEO has earned a record $24 BILLION just from higher sales volume during this pandemic.
As a high school teacher, I don't have anything like the financial resources of CEO Bezos. I have already given out one box of food supplies to a student and $200 in personal funds to another non-profit group. I decided to split the $1200 stimulus check between the local food bank and my favorite no-kill pet shelter.
Since I'm on the spectrum and have not always had the best judgment when it comes to giving money to others, I contacted five colleagues to ask what they thought about this idea. Since they all thought it was a good idea, I subsequently used paypal to make these donations. I copied the receipts to a word file because charitable contributions (up to a certain amount) are tax deductible and I will keep these records for next year's tax return.
I wish my colleagues would join me in making similar contributions but I don't know what their financial situations are and thought it might be arrogant if I were to have asked. Even so ... fifty something teachers multiplied by $1200 would total $60,000. This money could have done a lot of good.
While I appreciate having received a Federal stimulus check, I don't think that anyone who is still drawing a paycheck should have received this money. I am going to say as much to my Congressman and Senator via email.